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EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 12:02 PM

I don't even know why I try anymore!! My husband asked me this morning if I had his lunch ready. I didn't make it last night because I was feeling sick and was up all night with our 10 month old while he played video games and watched tv. So then he gets pissed. I wake up around 6:30 with our son then the kids in my daycare come around 8 or 9. He doesn't have to leave until 10am. He slept until 9:45 rushed to get ready then asked me when I'm he is about to leave. So he left the house with no lunch and mad at me for not making a grown man lunch!! And if I don't make him lunch, it won't get done. he won't do it.

Idk if this man just doesn't respect me or if he is just that selfish and thinks I should do everything for him. He doesn't clean At All! Doesn't cook, maybe make meat and tortillas maybe 1 time in 3 weeks. He doesn't even touch the laundry. I literally do everything for him. Like schedule appts, pay his bills, grocery shopping, everything to do with the baby. And if I ever ask him to help with anything I mentioned be gets pissy.

I don't even feel valued, respected, or loved at this point. I don't know what to do.

SeanFLA posted 1/24/2014 12:13 PM

You know there's an old saying..."You can do bad all by yourself"

Man-child, selfish, ignorant, cry-baby....there's a bunch of words that describe him. What kind of grown man plays video games that much? Personally i would rip it out of the TV while he's gone, throw it out and have a Come to Jesus talk with him. What it comes down to is this something you want, along with his infidelity, the rest of your life? Sounds like you already have a business to fall back on and support yourself. Why do you need to take care of another child in your house? Just sayin.

MercifulH posted 1/24/2014 12:17 PM

Have you talked to him about your feelings? It's unfortunate but we husbands can be pretty dense sometimes and not aware that our actions are hurting our wives. There were times in my relationship with my WW where I mistreated her in ways similar to how your husband is behaving. I didn't notice it until a lot of damage was done already. It is likely he won't notice unless you tell him. In order for your marriage to work, you both need to improve your communication with each other.

After my DDay, I got my WW to open up by opening up myself. I know it sounds crazy, and yes it was very hard to confide more in someone that I now didn't trust, but it seemed to work. I confided in her everything I had ever kept from her. My deepest darkest secrets that I planned on never telling anyone in my entire life, things I planned to take to the grave. Things that were very embarassing and never wanted anyone to know. She in turn started to confide in me about similar things and then started to reveal more details about things she had been hiding about the affair. I don't know if you are hiding anything from him, but if you ever did, and you seriously want to reconcile this marriage, you should put everything on the table and ask him to do the same.

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 12:22 PM

SeanFLA you are right and I have been considering nth one things. This situation had made me evaluate our relationship. And the house is his son of i leave my business is gone too. I don't have anywhere to go St the moment so I am trying to find a traditional job so I can have a normal income if I ever get the guts to leave.

MercifulH yes I just text him how I felt. I wasn't blaming anyone I just stated how it made me feel. He probably won't text me back and if he does it will be something short like "drop it, I don't care anymore"(his famous words)

momentintime posted 1/24/2014 12:23 PM

Don't apologize for not making him lunch ever. When this happens tell him you are too busy to make the lunch. That in the future, you will wake him in time for him to make his lunch. If not he can buy his lunch. You aren't the maid/cook, so don't act like a paid employee. He is capable, and tell him so.

You earn money with the daycare, so you contribute financially to the family. He works outside the home, yes, but he should have responsibilities in the home. Don't let him skate on this.

Stand up for yourself. You have value so let him know it. You can do it.

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 12:23 PM

Sorry for typos. I am posting from my phone.

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 12:25 PM

Thanks momentintime. Those are the words I have been trying to get out to him but I haven't been able to. You said it very well.

SeanFLA posted 1/24/2014 12:33 PM

I seriously disagree in her position. Two and a half months into her marriage and he's already unfaithful. If there's ever the grand daddy of red flags to end things to avoid future pain, for me that would be it. From her posts he's immature and selfish. Opening up to him isn't going to solve that. He's got much more broken issues. Yes there are some things we as men do or don't do that hurt our spouses, but it doesn't take a smart man to see his wife working to the bone while he cries because his bag lunch isn't made. Unfortunately I believe some men just shouldn't be married young because of their immaturity and/or looking for a new mommy to take care of them.

StillLivin posted 1/24/2014 12:33 PM

Idk if this man just doesn't respect me or if he is just that selfish and thinks I should do everything for him


k9lover1 posted 1/24/2014 12:59 PM

I tend to wonder if he is even marriage material. I know you have been together 4 years, but you have to sit down and think about what kind of a future you are going to have with this man/child/spoiled baby.

doggiediva posted 1/24/2014 13:22 PM

He does sound immature and like he feels entitled..I know you will struggle, if you leave now, but unless he can reevaluate the kind of person he is and his treatment of you, he will bleed your soul dry..

You both are young..I wish I had had a good vision into the future back when I was married and your age..I should have left my WH after the first D day..

Whatever you do and decide, DO WHAT IT TAKES to avoid being married to a leech who takes advantage of you...Either your WH is gonna have to mature and reform himself or you leave him..It is hard enough to be married to this type of person when you are young, but when you are older and have health issues, this is hell on earth..

E.T.A. My WH doesn't expect me to do for him like yours does, in fact my WH cooks and shops for me..My WH loves to crank the TV up LOUD when he watches it, so he is required to wear headphones if he watches TV in the living room..

I think my WH makes these concessions for me because he wants to take advantage of the benefits of me being in the same house, i.e. utilities getting paid and my contribution of 1/2 the money for property taxes, etc..if he was hard to live with I would have initiated D a lot sooner whether or not I was ready..With that said I can't wait until things come together for me to file and be on my way to a life of my own..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:32 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

Smokehouse posted 1/24/2014 13:28 PM

It is a lot of things, immature, selfish, a lack of respect and a sense of entitlement. The come to Jesus talk definitely needs to happen or it will never change.

Your WH should have recognized you taking care of everything else and fixed his own lunch. He has not realized a thing since you discovered his affair. This should have been, and for most WS's it is, the ultimate wake up call.

Even though I am the BS, and my WW's affair had nothing to do with me and none of it my fault, I knew I was responsible for fifty percent of the problems in my marriage. And there were problems! I woke up and fixed myself. My WW in turn is fixing herself.

You are in for a long trip with your WH. He has much work to do and he needs to realize it. Whether the information comes from you or in IC or MC.

I personally would tell him the lunch making now falls on him, period, end of story. Then add to the list as you see fit. 180 sounds appropriate, he is not supporting your healing and recovery. He is making R a goal that can't be achieved with the course he is on.

atsenaotie posted 1/24/2014 13:43 PM

I just text him how I felt.

Texting is the least effective way to have a meaningful and effective discussion. It is OK for "running late" or "please get milk", but lacks for broader discussions. I encourage you to talk with him in person about how you feel.

I don't even feel valued, respected, or loved at this point. I don't know what to do.

This might be a good leading off point.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/24/2014 13:57 PM

Oh boy - I see you just got married at the end of 2013 and your D-Day was only 3 weeks ago. Lordy, I'm sorry.

You say you don't feel loved or valued and you feel that way because it's true - you're clearly not being valued at all.

EB, this man just married you and was cheating on you. It's like he's got this horrible anger and resentment toward you. It's as though you only exist to make his life easier because you do everything for him but chew his food for him.

I've been there. It's a thankless job, let me tell you.

It just doesn't seem that you're getting anything positive at all from this short-lived trip to hell - unless a life of servitude is what you were seeking?

You're too young to live in this hell.

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 14:06 PM

NeverAgain2013 I am just talking to a friend about how I feel like I am only in his life to make it easier for him and that I am just convenient to him. I basically have my mind made up i don't want this to be the rest of my life. But the scary part is that when I leave I will have no car, house, or job. The car is in his name, we are renting from his boss and I run and in home daycare so if I leave in won't be able to do that. I am trying to find a traditional job now. I looked into welfare(I don't want to have to go on welfare but I might have to until I get myself on my feet). I went into this relationship with my own car and had a job. We ended up trading mine in for a car together. And he was the one who wanted me to stay home with our son to avoid childcare costs. And I will leave with nothing. This decision Nissan very hard because my son.

Tearsoflove posted 1/24/2014 14:52 PM

Not only does my husband fix his own lunch but my kids have been fixing their own lunches since second grade. I'd tell him that from now on he is to fix his own lunch. He's a grown man, not a child and you are not his servant. Although it's the least of your issues, it's a problem that you need to nip in the bud before it sets a precedent for the rest of your marriage of you doing everything while he plays games and bitches.

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 15:10 PM

Opps i meant "I was just" not "I am just"

EB1541 posted 1/24/2014 15:27 PM

I feel more upset about the way he approached me about it rather than the actual lunch making. Itís hard for me to express my thoughts sometimes so that just makes it worse.

Tickingtock posted 1/24/2014 15:55 PM

Marriage should be at it's best in the beginning. It's lala land compared to the next 50 years. If he's already cheating, and treats you like shit, you need to divorce him.

Call a lawyer (you can always stop divorce proceedings) today or Monday.

ETA: I didn't want to say this because I don't want to make you feel worse, but you need to hear it. The other day my husband forgot to take the lunch I made him to work. I was annoyed, but he felt really bad. I had gone through the effort of making him a nice lunch and he didn't even bring it with him. That's a real man. And they exist.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 3:58 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

naivegirl posted 1/24/2014 16:06 PM

Spend the next few months getting your ducks in a row. I would just look for a job and start setting aside money. Maybe go for a free consultation with a lawyer to see how much child support you will get. I wouldn't even let on to him about what I was doing. Read the 180 and take care of yourself. Do you have family that can help?

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