I feel like I've been holding onto a lot of pain, just because I'm afraid to let go of it. I went off my anti-depressants just before Christmas, and I survived the discovery of the birth of the OC.
The truth is, the pain is incredible. I can't get away from it. But it isn't there all the time. The truth is, sometimes I am actually happy. The truth is, sometimes I can see that my marriage is very, very much healthier and happier than it ever was before my husband's crash and burn.
I don't credit the affair for that, but I do credit my marriage. We have a good marriage. It survived a massive explosion on the ground floor.
For the first time in 20 years, I know that I know who my husband is. I know who he is, and I am ready to allow him to not be perfect. He does not have to be my hero. And he lets me love him now - he lets me give to him, and he does not feel like he has to one-up me. He doesn't make me feel like crap about myself. He doesn't flirt with other women. He talks openly with our children about his life and what he has learned, and I see the healing that is happening in them as well.
Sometimes all that makes me angry, and I don't want my marriage to be 'better' after what he did to us. But the truth is, you couldn't pay me to go back to the way it used to be.
We don't own a thing, we have an unsettled OC situation to deal with, and I have never been more at peace with life. Of course, yesterday I was sobbing like a banshee, but besides that.