The truth is, the pain is incredible. I can't get away from it. But it isn't there all the time. The truth is, sometimes I am actually happy. The truth is, sometimes I can see that my marriage is very, very much healthier and happier than it ever was before my husband's crash and burn.
I don't credit the affair for that, but I do credit my marriage. We have a good marriage. It survived a massive explosion on the ground floor.
For the first time in 20 years, I know that I know who my husband is. I know who he is, and I am ready to allow him to not be perfect. He does not have to be my hero. And he lets me love him now - he lets me give to him, and he does not feel like he has to one-up me. He doesn't make me feel like crap about myself. He doesn't flirt with other women. He talks openly with our children about his life and what he has learned, and I see the healing that is happening in them as well.
Sometimes all that makes me angry, and I don't want my marriage to be 'better' after what he did to us. But the truth is, you couldn't pay me to go back to the way it used to be.
We don't own a thing, we have an unsettled OC situation to deal with, and I have never been more at peace with life. Of course, yesterday I was sobbing like a banshee, but besides that.
When we were sharing with our MC this week how our intimacy is actually far better now than it was pre-A (and our marriage was still a 7-8 on a scale of 1-10 then) he said, "that is a real testament to both of you individually, but also to you as a couple."
So, I still have my dark days, and it still hurts regularly, but we are getting there. Glad for people like you posting your stories, sharing support, and just having you to survive this s--t storm with!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:21 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
We have a good marriage. It survived a massive explosion on the ground floor.
I have never been more at peace with life.
I know that I need to get better at letting go and leaning in, so you aren't the only one!
Also, I'm glad you posted today. I have been thinking of you!
he lets me love him now
I get this, and it's a huge part of allowing yourself to let it be better