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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Hate to Admit
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Sad  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a lot going on... and I hate to admit this but I feel like I am falling out of love with my WW.

I have a far distant commute and the other guy I worked with went on a 3 week vacation. I have been staying at my job longer now to cover his shift... really my choice so I don't have to be in my house all by myself feeling lonely.

I have avoided this co-worker, not doing too good of a job but have got better recently so I don't go RA on my WW.

I feel numb/just don't care now. She did this to us and needs to take responsibility and grow up and deal with this.

As I am seeing somethings and not others, and feeling like my needs are not getting met, I feel like...what do I need her for now?

I do everything and I live alone because of the choice she made. I sometimes miss her but when we talk, she talks about how she loves her job and the people she works with. She recently got a raise.

Must be great to screw around all over the place and then get the benefit of getting your hair done paid by some friends, and now your getting a raise. What am I getting...jack squat except hearing how you are jealous of the woman I work with, who I honestly can tell has no interest in me what so ever...

Sorry, maybe I am just venting, but as always, I am open to WS and BS alike.

I don't check things, and don't ask for anything. I really am taking no interest in her at this point. I also hate to admit and I know the 2x4's are coming but I am having problems of I can't stop thinking about my co-worker. She is single, nice and it's all wrong.

I wanted my WW to do what's right, but we are approaching 3 months since DDay1 and I really feel like at times just pulling the plug. Working on myself and being a good father and forget about Marriage and maybe try to hang with the co-worker.

Sorry if this is just a ramble...one of those days...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your WW isn't really remorseful, LostSamurai. You are starting to detach from your WW, that is a good thing. Yes, you are right you don't "need" WW.

Maybe you are transferring your feelings that you had for WW onto co-worker, or maybe it is because any kindness shown us BS's after being treated so cruelly we may make it more than it is, you can't really trust your feelings about this co-worker. I am sure she is nice. But, you need a lot of healing before you start "hanging" with someone else. It isn't fair to either of you. What may develop into something way down the line may be ruined because you haven't healed yet. KWIM?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lost)))

While this is probably the most difficult time of your life to date, and may be for your entire life you will survive it.

Please listen to those of us who have been there, and done that. Your right your wife doesn't get it, and more important chooses not to.

You and your kids deserve much more, and much better.

2x4's are coming but I am having problems of I can't stop thinking about my co-worker. She is single, nice and it's all wrong.

I wanted my WW to do what's right, but we are approaching 3 months since DDay1 and I really feel like at times just pulling the plug. Working on myself and being a good father and forget about Marriage and maybe try to hang with the co-worker

I think all of this is a good path to start down. However A word of warning. PLEASE DO NOT get involved with another woman right away, work lady, or someone else. Your heart isn't ready, and you need to prove to yourself that you can be happy on your own. Alone. When you jump from one relationship to another, and don't spend that time alone, you never prove to yourself that you are ok all alone, and that you can provide your own happiness. This is really an essential part to healing and becoming a healthy person again. When you know you can provide your own happiness you don't have to fear being alone, and you certainly won't put up with anything that is less than wonderful, because you Know in your heart that you don't need it.

Go do things with friends. Start a new hobby, join a gym, a church, a dart team, anything but get out there, and learn that life can be full and complete without having to tolerate abuse from your spouse.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8893 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister beat me to it....what she said


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
JerseyCowgirl
♀ 41441
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't pursue coworker (there is your 2x4)
I feel the same way...BS's get rewards and the WS's seem to get loads of punishment.
I have no words of advice..except still coning up on 2 year Ann of DDay and one year divorced I still feel the pangs of rejection because of so many losses along with the loss if the M--job, home & just everything.
((Hugs)) from JC


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 348 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done things and said things to both co-worker and my WW. The response. Your sweet from both... I think. Both just see me as a friend. Wrong for me to do or say anything to either I know.

I do feel like just being alone. I feel like I could just do fine on my own. I have my own house, a job, property.

Do I really need someone to be happy... No I don't.

I don't need to be in relationship to make myself feel good, I need to be in a relationship where I feel that I can make that person happy and they want to make me happy.

But I need to focus on myself. Started working out and eating right.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:45 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And thanks for the quick talk and suggestions and hugs. Thank you everyone. And I understand I need to truly heal.

Either Reconciliation if she ever wakes up or going into another relationship wouldn't be right. Your probably right, it's just transference. I mean I look at her and she is saying all the right things in my mind but I think I am making it out to be something when it is actually nothing.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:48 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ascian
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't check things, and don't ask for anything. I really am taking no interest in her at this point.

Good, it sounds like you're starting to detach from your WW. I know that hurts, a lot in the short-term, but it's something you need to do in order to help yourself heal. She's not, and hasn't been, showing remorse for her affair. That inaction is keeping the wound open, so just remember that you're not detaching to punish her, but simply to give yourself space to heal.

I also hate to admit and I know the 2x4's are coming but I am having problems of I can't stop thinking about my co-worker. She is single, nice and it's all wrong.

I had a similar problem, even with a remorseful wife. A cute, friendly, single co-worker and I had to work together a lot just shortly after D-Day, and it was sometimes hard not to get too caught up in the "what if . . . " thoughts. It's nice to feel appreciated and desired, isn't it? But you've still got to let yourself heal, or you'll just prolong the injury.

I wanted my WW to do what's right, but we are approaching 3 months since DDay1 and I really feel like at times just pulling the plug. Working on myself and being a good father and forget about Marriage and maybe try to hang with the co-worker.

Other than that last bit, I think this is an excellent plan. You can't control your WW, you can't make her take responsibility for her actions, you can only control yourself. To use a martial arts analogy: when you're practicing throws with a partner, as uke you need to assume that your nage understands the technique and can throw you safely. If they fail, you can try to help them correct their technique, but if they refuse, then all you can do to protect yourself is to walk away and find a different partner. And if you pulled a muscle in a bad throw, you're going to have to wait a bit before you even try to work with a partner at all.

So, let that muscle heal. Get yourself to a place of balance and strength. It might be a rough road, but we'll walk it with you.


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ascian. I think I will follow through with the plan... I am not sure if I am ready to make that jump yet, but I feel like I have to.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone else, don't pursue your coworker. You still need time to heal. BUT, I think this is a good sign. You are detaching. You are realizing there is more out there and you want something better.

Good plan to focus on you right now. You are on the right path.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 10

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