Thanks for sharing more details Kyrie.
I have taken several tests this past 17 months....wanted to list them and mention one point about them...because I have a tendency to "over achieve " like your husband. I use to think it was all honorable and healthy, but am aware of a dark side of this too.
.Love Languages quiz. Primary love language is Words of a Affirmation . words of affirmation, which is why my no PM female SI members is important to me.
Myers-brigs personality test. I am ENTJ.....drawn to leading by my enthusiastic, willing, orderly, structured , goal oriented, outgoing nature. Would be GREAT except I have trouble saying NO when others need help at work or a new project is conceived and CEO is looking for a volunteer.
DISC personality test. I am an "influencer"....very optimistic, enjoys group projects and motivating people to " join the team ". "Will find themselves in leadership positions and will wonder how they got there".
Spiritual Gifts Test ....."administrator".....God given talent to organize and motivate.
I also took tests that show I have "over achiever and perfectionist tendencies" as well as a large gap between how other people view me and how I view myself.
Okay ..,. Now to my point and the possible tie into your husband.
The list above might appear great on the surface level. But when the person that has those traits has less-than-pure -motives underneath them....they can actually be a path to disconnection.
There are different motivations underneath workaholism.....the affects might be the same (suffering marriage), but treatment for it will need to be varied.
Examples;
If he is working so much to provide for the family....maybe he could find a better paying job or you could ? (Same money, less hours )
If he is working so much because his business is swamped....maybe it's time to hire more employees? (Same production, less hours)
If he is working so much because he needs external validation....maybe counseling is needed to ferret out the root cause if that? ( seek fulfillment in healthy ways)
If he is working so much because he desires true intimacy in his marriage but doesn't know how to get that so he avoids being uncomfortable....maybe he needs to open up to you? (Reduce the fear that holds him back )
Hope I am making sense. I believe I am a mix of all of those and more ! I am choosing differently now in an effort to grow. I still have a strong work ethic and like to work. It's just another "Motivation check" I do now before I act. I am getting out of the rut of how I always did things.
I have seen the results , not as good as I had hoped for.....time to change some inputs .
Co-workers have noticed.....asked me if everything is all right because "you don't volunteer like you use too".
I respond "I'm good, just keeping track of my priorities better ".
It does feel better.....strange at first because of how long I had operated without clear commitment to priorities ....really thought I could do it all and had time to do it all. I don't.
God, wife , our girls, everything else. That is my priority list.
Doesn't mean I don't move them around occasionally.....I still have a rigorous demanding job that will require 18 hour shifts occasionally, still have young daughters with activities that need tended too, but I keep my commitment to check up my motivation and to get back to my priorities regularly.....NOT "when I have time ", which is how I operated before.
What does your husbands priority lust look like? Yours? How big of an influence are you on his list, him in your list?
He may have healthy motivations underneath, I do too....but he may have issues that are needing attention as well. I can more clearly identify most of my motivations now.....and those tests really helped fill in the picture . The results show the good parts.....but also point out my "pitfalls"--that area I need to be cautious of being.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:40 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]