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Back story and then some

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hurtingfool posted 1/24/2014 13:42 PM

So, I found out a few days ago and had been going through quite a few internet searches before an article pointed me here. I am not overly fond of acronyms, so I will not be using them much, if at all. This is gonna be long, and am sorry if it isn't the norm. Just had to get it all out there.

Let me start off by saying that my views on sex are pretty liberal. Main thing being, if you aren't hurting anyone, have fun. There's more to it than that, but, that is where my being a fool comes in I guess. That said, I have never cheated on her emotionally or physically.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We were married kinda young and had our first kid quicker than either of us planned. So our fun, childless couple times were shortened pretty early on.

The first 6 years, I was the primary bread winner. I was in the Marines, and then after I got out I had a long hours decent pay job. We had what I considered a normal relationship, fights, fun, raising the kids, lack of sex. Pretty much the same stuff we heard from other couples and friends.

Towards the end of the sixth year (I see it now of course), I was having problems. The long hours and being on call ate up any time I had at home. I was frustrated with not being able to do the things I wanted (addicted to online gaming), and Spending time with my family (we were up to two kids at this point) was almost nil. The best thing I can remember is coming home, sitting on the couch and falling asleep with my newborn in my lap. Got a cute picture of it somewhere.

We had money to last us a few months, and I took a month of being selfish at home before I put out any applications. Not a one had called me back. I knew I had to do something, so I went back to the recruiter. At the time there were no spaces available for me to get back in, and the earliest chance was way past when the money would dry up. I have to say, I was less than enthusiastic about going back in. I went and talked with the other services. They were a little better. I was still not too enthusiastic about it. Then I found that it would be quicker for her to join up than for me to get in. Which, after a lot of talking we decided to do.

I felt then, and still do, like a shitty husband. I was too scared to do what I needed to do, and had her take control of supporting us. I'd like to say at this point I was a model stay at home dad. I wasn't. Things got bad around the house while she was gone. My youngest was with his grandparents. Me and my oldest (he was always more into mommy than me like most kids) tore that place up and had fun. We were doing good, until I had cops come check if we were still alive. When they saw the mess, I had CPS called on me, and that was a minor wake up call. Minor as it didn't completely knock me out of the emotional funk I was in. I felt like crap, but it was hard to dig myself out of it. I moved in with my grandfather, while she finished her training.

I had told her if she was to do anything, to tell me about it and make a video. My reasoning at the time was at least I would still feel like I was a part of it a bit. A few months later, she was out of tech school and we were on our way to Germany. Scary times, being in a new country, but we were working through them. I don't remember exactly how it happened. A couple months in, we had finally a night to ourselves. I don't remember if I found the letter before or after she told me (I think it was before), but she had feeling for a guy while she was in tech school. She was going to have sex with him, but backed out at the last minute. I was very hurt. She had waited until I had no where to run to to tell me all this. She also told me that the feelings had disappeared once she was no longer around him. He was also friends with her on FB, and I asked her to defriend him. At the time, it wasn't what she was going to do that bothered me, it was the emotional side of it. So, to add to what problems I was already having in my mind, trust and knowing I had emotionally failed my wife made things worse. The next three years could of been better.

I resented her. I drank more. Let the house fall into disarray. We fought over little things. We tried to work things out. I had a couple panic/anxiety attacks. I talked of go to see a counselor for myself, but never did. I got the feeling that she thought I was weak for thinking it.

The next few years became a roller coaster. We had a threesome. Played around with other couples (didn't go past oral for the most part). And had our third kid. My mental issues never really got better.

In year 9, we finally came back stateside. It was around this time I noticed the guy from before was still her friend on FB. They had a conversation of where they were stationed currently, and that she was sorry about the crush, but it was nothing more than that. I asked her again to defriend him.

My trust just couldn't find a foothold. Then we found out she was deploying. We were doing better, or so I thought, throughout the time leading up to it. I was trying to get better in how I dealt with the kids. We had a couple of nights where we could find a babysitter and go out. I had a breakdown one night after reading a story and we talked of how I would feel if anything were to happen to her and the kids. It was some of the best communication we had in a while and everything seemed to be turning around.

She still wasn't interested in sex as much as me, but would get into it. We talked a bit better. and I was working on keeping things around the house cleaner than what they had been and I was getting along with the kids better. Then the deployment came. I gave her the same video deal as before. She said was gonna do her best to make it so nothing happened.

The first month was hard. Aside from the trust, I was still dealing with my own issues. I was tired of going bald. I had finally gotten her to defriend the guy while she was over there. Just a lot of crap. Then one day I finally had enough and shaved my head. It was like a light bulb clicked on. I was finally feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. The kids and I were getting along, I was keeping the house clean. She even commented I looked happier on Skype. I had finally come to the other side of tunnel and it felt great. We talked pretty often. I let her know how things were going, and things I wanted to do when she got back, such as getting away for a week, getting on a bowling league again. Just tons of stuff and she seemed excited. I sent her packages of stuff she needed and added extra things I thought she would like. She complained of her bed, so in one I sent her a foam top to put on it. For Christmas, I had sent her cookies and some candy that I got just because it had her name in it. Along with stuff the kids drew for her. And told her she had more presents waiting at home. Around this time we found out she was coming home early, it was looking to be a good start to a new year.

She is still over there, but the date is getting closer. Last week we were on Skype and I noticed she was typing with someone else as well. I asked her who and she told me it was just someone she worked with. That sent my heart pounding. She always told me names even if I didn't know who they were. I am ashamed to say I logged onto FB then. She was talking to a guy about how our relationship was. I was skimming through it. All the things I was horrible at and she knew I was working on and getting better about was in there. Then I saw a line on if she regretted "it" and she said no. Then the kicker came after when she said she didn't feel anything for me.

I asked her if she was cheating on me. She denied it. I asked her if she was having problems with me. She denied it. I got tired of the lying and showed her what I found. She blew up on me about invading her privacy. I told her if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't of kept who she was talking to hidden and it wouldn't of been that big a deal of me being on her FB. (I should mention I have had to use hers before to get addresses and numbers). She erased the messages. I never got to read all of it. I asked her about what she didn't regret. Why she couldn't talk to me, why did it have to be some guy that doesn't even know me compared to one of best friends. She denied the affair. Said he had gone through something similar and was looking for advice.

I knew she was lying to me. I told her I would be angry with the lie, but would give her immunity if she had done anything. She stalled long enough thinking about it for me to get my answer.I was devastated. It wasn't that she had sex. Hell, I had given her permission. She had lied to me. Hadn't talked to me about how she felt with me. Had told me she was going to try to not get involved with someone like she did before.

Evidently, her and a few of the guys were talking of monogamy in relationships, and one of them brought up how you only live once and things could be looked at like a buffet. I understand that. Had given permission with a restriction. I just never wanted her to lie to me about it.

She said she felt no remorse for lying. Forgotten about the video bit. That when the flirting finally started, she wasn't able to stop herself when it got that far.

We've been discussing things the past few days. She said she is willing to work on it, though when she got home when the feeling would disappear. Despite that, she has been working on it, just not as well as I would like. We haven't talked this well in a long time. She knows that I had been changing, but without her here to actually see it, she was still basing her thoughts on what the past few years have been like. I told her she could of talked to the kids at anytime about how things were, and she did.

A day or two passed and we still talking. She was telling me that she wasn't planning on doing anything but they had kissed and hugged in a goodbye kind of way. Then I got the feeling that she was holding something back. Again on FB, the other guy was talking to her about doing a threesome with his roommate. She was declining the idea because she didn't trust the other guy. Asked her again if she was hiding something from me and she lied again. I gave her plenty of chances to tell me the truth and she still denied there was anything else. So I let her know again that I knew.She said she had no idea why she lied again, but as soon as she did she just kept with it instead of telling me it was a lie right away.

I was crushed at this point. I've been dehydrated from all the crying. At that's the point when she seemed to let out real tears as well. I had been giving her chances to have her fun, just not to lie to me about it. I pleaded with her to stop doing anything altogether if she was really wanting to work with me on this. For no goodbye kiss, just in case it leads to her having sex again and lying to me about it. She couldn't obviously not see him there at work, but she could prevent anything from happening if she really wanted to. She said she knows she is being selfish and wants to wait until she gets back to really work on it. I told her doing this after I have pleaded with her not to is not gonna help and was just making her angry with me.

She's out right now spending time with her friends before she leaves and I know he is there. She said she was planning on kissing him goodbye and I asked for her not to. She got angry because she wants closure. I'll find out in a bit what happened. Maybe. If I don't want to kid myself into believing her.

Edit: I should add marriage and individual counseling is going to happen.

Edit 2: She came back and said he was playing basketball. I'm inclined to believe her as she wasn't showing what I've found to be her tells, and she didn't get upset with me for asking a couple times to make sure like she had before.

I know I had given permission, but she had lost interest in sex after the first 2 kids. Even had she felt the normal urge, it is the lying that really hurts. I'm sure this doesn't make sense to most people. It's just part of my world view.

[This message edited by hurtingfool at 2:59 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

Skan posted 1/24/2014 15:05 PM

Hey there. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Listen. From your story, no, you havn't been an ideal husband. By your own account, you've done your best to do the least amount of "keeping the family going" while you were an house dad. You had CPS called on you for gawds sake! You've been juvenile, resentful, and selfish. I sure as hell wouldn't have put up with it!

But all of the above is no reason for your WW (wayward wife) to commit infidelity. To go outside of the bounds that you both jointly agreed to, in a marriage. To lie to you and to cheat. That's all on her. There were other options MC (marriage counseling), IC, talking to you, re-negotiating with you, leaving you, filing for divorce.

All legitimate choices. Instead, she chose to go outside of your marriage boundaries. That is 100% on her. You both obviously have a lot of work to do in your marriage IF, and only IF you can get through her infidelity, but the infidelity has to be addressed first.

Me, personally, I would contact her military buddies through FB and tell them that you have screenshots of all of their conversations (and make this happen), and that you will be sending those screenshots to their Commanding Officers as well as their significant others unless this little group is disbanded at once. I'd also go see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are should you legally separate or divorce. Frankly, given the lack of remorse your WW is showing, I would have her served with legal separation papers the minute that she put foot on American soil again.

While you're thinking about all of this, please look at the upper left corner of your screen in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read any post in the first three pages of this forum that have red bulls-eyes next to them. It's all good info for you. In the I Can Relate forum, there is a Betrayed Men's posting that you might want to join, and I think that there is also a group for betrayed military (members and spouses) that also might be helpful to your specific situation.

But in any case, keep coming back for support. We all got your back, including this old Navy Corpsman. Semper Fi, Marine.

hurtingfool posted 1/24/2014 15:47 PM

Thank you. I have been doing a lot of reading between here and other sites. Trying to absorb the information as best I can right now.

I've only recently come to terms with my inability to seek IC before and with the piece of crap I had been. The fog was finally lifting and it felt like things were finally going the way they were supposed to. Now, I have to take my responsibility for not being what I had promised her in the beginning and seeing if we can work these issues out between us.

As far as the screenshots, I didn't get them. Didn't even think of it. Supposedly, she has another Skype account where she hasn't deleted anything yet, but I am not sure I want to read it.

Very shortly she will be away from them. I just hope I do not get anymore lies.

I thought of counseling before I did a lawyer, but it would be better to be prepared. Thanks again for your advice.

I'm not able to respond with a Semper Fi of my own. I know in my own way I wasn't faithful to my marriage and it eats me up.

annb posted 1/25/2014 07:33 AM

Hi, hurtingfool, welcome to SI.

Skan has given you some very good advice, counseling is a must. Meeting with an attorney is also a good idea just to give you knowledge about your rights as a father.

What I can tell you is that your wife needs to stop lying. You can rebuild your marriage if that's what both of you want, but the lying has to stop. The foundation cannot be re-built on a bed of lies. Total transparency, she lost her right to privacy when she chose to cheat.

There are some great articles in this forum for newbies, scrolld down a page or two, they have the target icon on the left.

Keep posting and continue to read as knowledge is power.

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