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Why does this keep happening to me?

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Hannah25 posted 1/24/2014 13:49 PM

I am 35 years old, and have been in two relationships of 10+ years each. In the first relationship, I found out about the affair only a few weeks before we were supposed to get married. He said that he wanted to reconcile, but I could tell that his heart wasn't in it. We split up, and he is now married to the OW. That breakup nearly killed me. I was young and naive. I didn't know this kind of betrayal was possible. I still think about it often, and it still hurts every time.

About 6 months later, I met my current boyfriend. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship so soon, but we are just so compatible that it kept going and going. He is my best friend. We have been together 11 years. I knew that he was a little self-centered, but I truly believed that he was a good person, and I didn't believe that he was the cheating type. Maybe there is no such thing.

He spent much of 2013 traveling for work to Brazil. I never suspected anything was wrong, although I was bothered by the amount of travel and told him so. We were talking about trying to start our family when he returned. His last trip was 2 months long, and when he got back, I could feel that he was distant. I thought that maybe it would just take us a little time to get used to being together again.

A couple of weeks ago, he was napping, and his phone was vibrating. I looked at it, and there was a text from a woman that just said "baby". I woke him and asked him what the hell that was. He looked at it and said that it was a co-worker from Brazil texting him to tell him that another woman there had just had a baby, and I was just seeing the end of the message. I sat silently for a few minutes, then asked to see the message for myself. He said that he had deleted it already. Right then I KNEW.

A few days passed before I had the chance to look at his phone. What I found there broke my heart. There were messages telling her that he loved her, and that he wanted a future with her, either in the US or Brazil. There were discussions of kissing, but he says there was no sex. I kind of believe it, because I could tell from the messages that she had some kind of (weak) moral line that she didn't want to cross. Honestly, whether the affair was an EA or a PA doesn't change the amount of hurt that it has caused.

He says that he's remorseful, and I believe him. He says that he only told her that he wanted a future with her because he thought that would be the way to get her to have sex with him. I'm not going to kick him out until I have time to think. It has only been a little over a week.

The fact that she's in Brazil throws a wrench in it for me. It is unrealistic for them to have a relationship right now, so how do I know he's not just picking the easier option? I want to believe that he was discussing the future to try to have sex, but who knows? I know that he can't see her, but I have no way of monitoring all of his online communication. He has a work cell and computer that I don't have access to.

I just can't belive that I'm in the same situation again. Why does this seem to happen after 10+ years? If we split up, I'm worried that my hopes of having children will be gone. One of the reasons that I was so excited to start our family is that I know that he would be a great father. Now I don't know what to do. I told myself after the last time that I would never give anyone a second chance, but I don't want to let this relationship go.

[This message edited by Hannah25 at 1:50 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

norabird posted 1/24/2014 14:49 PM

I am so sorry about this. All I can say is give it some time before making any decision. And don't let fear of not having children drive you.


(hugs)

painfulpast posted 1/24/2014 14:58 PM

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It's painful from beginning to end.

First, before you spend time wondering about R, are you confident his trips to Brazil are over?

Also, I would be wary about the 'I said that so she'd have sex with me' line. How amazing is this woman for him to have a full blown relationship with her, including I love you's and talk of a future.

I can't say he doesn't want you. Lots of people have gotten in deep when they had no intention of doing so, and get caught up in it. That doesn't mean he didn't want you. That said, I do think his story about 'just wanting sex' is bullshit.

lieshurt posted 1/24/2014 15:05 PM

He says that he only told her that he wanted a future with her because he thought that would be the way to get her to have sex with him.

If this is true, then this contradicts....

I know that he would be a great father.

A man willing to lie to a woman to dupe her into having sex is not that kind of man who is a great father. Is this really the type of role model you'd want for your child?

Hannah25 posted 1/24/2014 15:13 PM

I agree that the "I said that so she'd have sex" does sound like BS. I think that he loved her. I think that the talk about the future may have been the part that was suppsed to get him sex. The messages that I read indicated that she seemed reluctant to get physically involved without a long-term committment.

As far as his trips to Brazil, they're supposed to be over. I told him that the reconcilliation is over if he has to go back there. I don't know what I'd do if he has to go somewhere else. It shouldn't be happening for a while at least. Eventually I'd need to trust him enough to be ok with his travel, or I may as well cut it off now. It's part of his job.

Hannah25 posted 1/24/2014 15:19 PM

You're right, lieshurt. But if I don't believe that he can redeem himself, then why am I even attempting to reconcile? Don't a lot of these guys lie to the OW?

As much as I don't want the fear of not having children factor into this, I think it has to. It won't be long before I'm too old to have kids, especially if it involves meeting and developing a relationship with a new person. What if I spend a year or two trying to reconcile, only to have a D-day #2? Then it will definitely be too late. Being a mother is not a dream that I want to give up on.

lieshurt posted 1/24/2014 15:29 PM

Don't a lot of these guys lie to the OW?

Yes, they do. They lie as much to them as they do to us.

Newme123 posted 1/24/2014 17:04 PM

Hannah25, I a. So sorry you find yourself here. Having been through this before, in no way makes dealing with this again any easier. I know you don't want the fact that you want children. To not enter into the equation, but I beg you ease do not bring a child into this mess. It will be a couple of years before you will be healthy and emotionally well to take care of a child. A child doesn't deserve to be born into a disfunctional relationship.

Hannah25 posted 1/24/2014 17:48 PM

I should make it clear that I am NOT considering having a child any time soon. Either this relationship has to progress a looong way, which will take time, or I need to move on so that I have time to develop a new one. I'm just stressing about making the wrong decision. If children weren't a consideration, I would take the time needed to see if this can work. If reconcilliation fails, I will have sealed my fate.

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