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not telling WH about a kid activity... afraid he will invite mi

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Gottagetthrough posted 1/24/2014 15:43 PM

My dd has a recital in a few weeks and I have invited my mom. I did not tell wh about this recital because I am afraid he will tell his mother, and invite MIL.

MIL and wh's sisters all knew about the A before I did, let me look like a fool for several weeks, MIL even told me that I didn't take care of WH and needed to wear sexy lingerie and makeup to keep him happy... This while I had a newborn!

When we were divorcing, MIL and SILs talked smack about me, encouraged WH the whole way, were BFF with OW, invited her for holidays and vacations...


Turns out OW was providing WH with prescription pills (she's a nurse) and even after we R, MIL told me ,"its so sad about OW being a pill addict, she is so smart and great at her job..."

My WH, he came to me and apologized. He was a drug addict and undiagnosed Bipolar. He's been sober 3 years, on his bipolar meds 3 years, he's done the work. His family, no apology, nothing. Acts like it was a mutual thing, we were both bad... yeah, I slipped up on my makeup routine when I had a new baby, and that totally justified her son's affair.

I can handle 2 visits to MIL a year, 1 in summer and 1 at the holidays. I don't ever want this woman in my house. (even though she came last year when DD had a special event)

I feel very guilty for 1- being deceptive to WH, and 2- not being the 'bigger woman' and letting DD have both grandmothers at her recital.

I just don't think I can be nice. Maybe years later. But not now.

** I am also nervous because of last year. WH told MIL about DD's special event & she ended up coming. Thankfully my mom could not attend, so I did not have to worry about my mom being forced to be nice to MIL (which I would feel really bad about putting my mom in that position, since she was so supportive during the D)

Also, last yr I told WH to tell MIL she had to get a hotel room. MIL isn't the brightest and even though WH said something about a hotel, MIL didn't get it, and ended up staying with us. I couldn't handle that AGAIN.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:49 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

steadfast1973 posted 1/24/2014 15:54 PM

(((Gottagetthrough))) i have a horrible MIL, too.

Morhurt posted 1/24/2014 17:39 PM

Is it possible to get H on your team with this? My feeling is that he needs to show 100% support for you and if that means being tough with his mom, so be it.

I find that when H and I can work together to solve a problem or issue we feel more bonded. As you say, this "deception" feels bad to you. Can you be honest with him?

I'm sorry you have this stress, this woman does not deserve to be in the life of you and your children. :(

mandala posted 1/24/2014 17:54 PM

Like Morhurt said - he is supposed to support you and be on YOUR side.

I'd let him know about the recital, but specifically ask him not to tell MIL right now. If he won't support you in this, you have a larger problem than your MIL - he needs to be supporting you.

If you agree to let her know, he MUST let her know that she WILL NOT stay at your house - he doesn't "say something" about her staying at a hotel - he needs to ask what hotel she will be at. Suggest nearby ones if he wants.

He needs to be behind you on this, and you should not have to keep this a "secret".

painfulpast posted 1/24/2014 17:59 PM

I agree he needs to be behind you. He shouldn't leave this up to you.

That said, my MIL recently said some not so nice things about me, and I let WH know I was done being around her, and that she wasn't welcome in MY home. Yes, it's his home too, but it's my home, and people that talk about me OR him in a negative way are not allowed here.

His family is sick. His mother recently told his sister he was talking about her (sister). Not true. She also 'bragged' that she got a 'merry xmas' text on Christmas, asking if sister got one. SICK.

My mother wouldn't be nice to his family if I paid her. She is nice to him, because she sees that he makes me happy. She wouldn't be nice to them no matter what, and my mother has a really snide way of making someone feel like shit about themselves in one or two sentences.

I love my mom

Dare2Trust posted 1/24/2014 23:09 PM


I'm a bit confused: Are you still married, Or have you divorced?

If you can't "trust" your WH not to tell his mother about your daughter's recital....Then I'd simply not let your WH know about the recital, either.

Gottagetthrough posted 1/25/2014 08:31 AM

We are still married, in R. We were in the D process for over a year, though, and while we were divorcing, his family was ow bff.

The divorce was called off (legally) in about 2012, and we live together now, totally committed to R. Just separated for several years.

I know it stinks that I can't trust him not to tell mil, but we have begun MC again, so hopefully we will get through that... As of now, though, no, I can't know that he'd be on my side. He just wants everything Back to pre

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