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Should I join dating sites

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Smashedat58 posted 1/24/2014 19:34 PM

I have been advised by girlfriends to get on a few dating sites. They seem to think that dating will help my self esteem, in other words to be viewed as desirable, again. I am separated and going for collaborative divorce, now. My d-day was 12/17/13. Is this too soon? I have been stuck at home by myself for a long time. I'm definitely not looking for another mate, but maybe some fun.

Later posted 1/24/2014 19:43 PM

I guess to some extent everyone is different, but personally I think it is way too soon.

Friends who are not going through this always think the answer is move on, get over it and get out there. They mean well, but I don't think it is necessarily the right answer.

Your life is probably pretty complicated right now. It's pretty hard trying to work on the D, yourself and new romantic interests.

And from what I hear, dating sites can be pretty rough. Maybe some of our womenz can share their experiences with them.

Smashedat58 posted 1/24/2014 19:50 PM

I'm not working on the divorce by myself, WH is collaborating. I need him to get all of the financial information to the attorneys, then he can go to hell. Girlfriends say I just need to be winked at, bought a drink, and asked to dance. Sounds harmless enough.

cmego posted 1/24/2014 19:59 PM

I just need to be winked at, bought a drink, and asked to dance. Sounds harmless enough.

Generally, if you need to ask if it is too soon…it IS to soon. The recommendations in New Beginnings is to take some time and figure out who you are outside of your marriage. What are you going to talk about to these men? "Yup, I just found out my husband was cheating on me, so I thought it was best to get some male attention so I don't feel too bad about myself."

If you want some "fun", then join some MeetUp groups and make some new friends and pick up some hobbies while you get your feet back under you.

Later posted 1/24/2014 20:07 PM

Fair enough, I don't claim to know everything. I met a couple of people, it was nice, but I just decided I was not ready. But that had more to do with unraveling a long marriage, kids etc. It was just too complicated. The women wanted to know where I was in the process, etc. I did not feel like answering those types of questions.

And yet, I understood that they were trying to protect themselves. Too many men out there claim to be getting a divorce but are really not, or end up reconciling etc.

Hope that makes sense, and none of it may apply to you.

notmeanymore posted 1/24/2014 20:08 PM

I think it's probably too soon also.

Not too soon to find some hobbies or new friends to do stuff with though. Maybe something through your church if you go, or a meetup.

I think the healing you need to do should come from within, not from someone else's wanting you. That's a false kind of feeling better and can distract from real healing.

I'd also warn that online dating can actually be quite tough on the ego at times.

absolut posted 1/24/2014 20:09 PM

I don't think people who are still legally married should be dating or on dating sites. I know there's a good reason for why you're not yet legally divorced but there always is. At least wait until your divorce is final.

Later posted 1/24/2014 20:18 PM

I will add -- it is pretty awkward when you are not yet divorced. The "I am going through a divorce" seems to become a focal point.

I have to think that it will be easier to be able to simply say, "I am divorced."

Maybe I am overly self conscious after the whole infidelity ordeal, but I feel sort of creepy being legally married and talking to other women. I know I am getting divorced, but I feel like I have to prove that. I just don't want to get into depth about my family matters.

little turtle posted 1/24/2014 20:28 PM

Why not go out with your friends without dating? It's not healthy to jump into a new relationship before you've ended your current one. I know you're going through a divorce, but the process has really just started and it's going to be a bumpy ride. It wouldn't be right for you to meet someone just for an ego boost. When you're comfortable being with yourself, you're ready to start dating. If you're feeling lonely and down, you're not ready.

You never know who you're going to meet. Why take the chance of meeting an awesome guy only to tell him you're not ready for a relationship??

Amazonia posted 1/24/2014 20:28 PM

How long were you married? What's the status of your divorce? How long have you been in therapy and how is it going?

Self esteem doesn't come from getting winked at, bought drinks or asked to dance. Self esteem comes from yourself. Trying to find your worth in other people or their reactions to you is very ineffective in the long term, because you constantly need someone else to be filling that need for you, and that's not really anyone else's job or responsibility, so you're constantly searching for someone else to take over when the last person lets off.

Also, do you really understand what dating entails? Do your friends? Are any of them actually personally dating right now?

Dating isn't just an endless stream of winks, drinks and dances. Dating is sending messages and not hearing back, making plans and being stood up, going on a few great dates and then never hearing from him again because he hit it off better with someone else he met simultaneously. Dating is awkward guys and uncomfortable advances and ugly junk shots in your inbox. Dating is breakups that hurt like hell, no matter what the reason.

Sure, dating can be a lot of fun, but there's also a lot of hard parts to it. Is it really something you want to try to navigate when you're already an emotional mess trying to navigate the end of a marriage?

And what if you do by some highly unlikely chance meet a great guy, fall of him, and then haven't dealt with everything you are going through, and end up hurting him in the process by either making him pay for your husbands issues, or not being ready for a relationship and having to end things, etc. Do you really want to use someone like that?

And don't even get me started on ambulance chasers who will see you as a woman going through a divorce and take advantage of that situation... Yikes.

I'd reconsider if I were in your shoes (well, I did reconsider,a few years ago, and I'm so glad I did, and waited)

Later posted 1/24/2014 20:33 PM

Dating is ...ugly junk shots in your inbox

It's been a long time since I dated, and I am not sure what the new rules are. I have not been sending any junk shots, do you think I need to?
Should I have such junk shots professionally done, or just enlist the help of neighbors and family?

Amazonia posted 1/24/2014 20:34 PM

Oh, and I'm curious what you meant by being stuck home alone. I would not recommend trying to date, but I also wouldn't recommend sitting at home. You should be spending time with your friends and family. Join a book club, join a gym, join a meet up group. Get out, go out, be with people, just don't waste your energy looking for romance right now. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter or children's hospital. Don't just sit home.

littlefoggy posted 1/24/2014 20:35 PM

Too. Sooooon.

My DDay was November.

I can't even think of dating. Or talking to a guy romantically. Or thinking of a guy romantically.

phmh posted 1/24/2014 22:06 PM

You probably will, and if you're lucky, realize you're not ready relatively early in the game and get out before anyone gets hurt.

But if you're not lucky, you'll wind up with someone as bad as or worse than your STBXWH (tons of people have a WH#2, partly because they didn't take the time to really heal so they could notice and react to red flags.) Or you'll hurt someone badly because you're not ready.

You only live once. You owe it to yourself to heal so that you can live a fabulous life.

As Ama said, don't sit home. Go out with friends; do things alone. Figure out what you like to do. Take a class at the rec department, go to a movie alone, join a meet up group. There are tons of things to do that don't involve dating.

Healing times are different for everyone, but I don't think I've ever met someone who was ready to date until at least a year from D-Day. Frequently longer. There may be exceptions, and pretty much no one wants to wait that long. So they wind up in bad relationships and just generally unhappy. The people I dated early on? I spilled way too much too soon about my divorce, scaring off some potential good people, but attracting creepers (good thing I didn't fall for any of them!)

We say it all the time -- broken attracts broken. You are still broken. You can heal and ultimately find a good mate, but if you jump in too soon, it's almost guaranteed disaster.

That being said, I'm starting to think that humans have something in us that makes us eschew good advice and do whatever we want anyway. So please be careful -- you really don't want to hurt someone else or do something that puts you in a worse position than you are now.

jemimapd posted 1/25/2014 11:26 AM

Great advice from Amazonia and phmh.

My D Day was December 2012 and my divorce was a year later November 2013 - and there is no way I am dating. Thanks to this site I've realized how bruising it can be and I am not ready for that.

As importantly, I need to build my social network and not become reliant on one person. I also don't want to bring anyone into my children's lives. We all need to heal.

It is tough out there! I met a very nice man yesterday at a social event. No red flags. When I got home, I background checked him: he has a string of lawsuits for debt, was declared bankrupt and wait for it... He is currently facing Federal charges for 12 counts of fraud. Some people are incredible plausible, that's why they succeed in deceiving so many people for so long.

hurtbs posted 1/25/2014 16:36 PM

Smashdat - that is very soon. Is your divorce final? Have you gone to IC?

I think that you need to finish one relationship before starting a new one. When you're still healing from one relationship, it's difficult to be in a healthy one.

norabird posted 1/27/2014 09:24 AM

If you've been stuck at home, I'd start with spending quality time with friends, learning how to be social and engage again. Have people over, say yes to invites, reach out to old friends or close ones--those are the best first steps. Once you're solidly happy again in your day to day from the help of your support network, online date away!

sparkysable posted 1/27/2014 13:24 PM

I just joined eharmony, but I'm not really feeling it.

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