Forum Archives

Return to Forum List


You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Sadjacey posted 1/24/2014 23:59 PM

14 months from dday, still working on staying in the marriage. Some days it seems I can do is, sometimes I'm not so sure. He says he's completely committed to it, that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Why can't I accept this and move on? I still can't keep thoughts of what he did out of my head - they're not there as often all the time, but some days they're so present, so difficult.

PRNDL posted 1/25/2014 00:43 AM

Im sorry you are going through this. I tried to R. I held in there for 7 months. I just couldnt do it. The images, the obsessions, and the triggers were torture. I threw in the towel and moved out.

Although, i lost everything. I am at peace.

Good thing too because I then found out her affairs had still continued.

In the end after 7 months of HORRIBLE LIMBO i learned:
1. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
2. Never ever limbo. At least 180D their ass.
3. Trust your gut.

To me R only exists due to fear. Deep down, all of us BS' know what we need to do. Leave their cheating asses.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by PRNDL at 12:44 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Jrazz posted 1/25/2014 01:59 AM

PRNDL is obviously posting from a place of deep pain. Whereas his post seems to apply to his WW, I categorically disagree with his statements in regards to the general public.

We have many remorseful and reformed Former Wayward Spouses in this community who have worked their asses off to learn from what they have done and try to be the best spouse/parent/person they can moving forward. Does this happen in EVERY case? Sadly, no. Some BS's do get kicked in the teeth over and over and need to run for the hills. But certainly not all - and that's certainly not the tone we try to foster in the Reconciliation forum.

Back to your post about your feelings, Sadjacey. 14 months is a long time in a lot of respects, but in terms of the healing timeline that we all seem to share in bits and pieces, it's still right smack in the middle of all the confusion. It's not comfortable to be unsure about your relationship, but it's normal for now. The thoughts and mind movies dwindle in time, and with a remorseful spouse they retreat into the sunset even faster.

Don't pressure yourself to have acceptance or closure anytime soon. Feel what you need to feel, and hopefully you can talk it out with your WH. The best advice people have given me is to remember that I don't have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow. You're not weak for staying, and you're not weak for feeling like leaving. Just be sure that you are trying to follow the healthiest path for your heart and mind, and you will be ok.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:00 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Deeply Scared posted 1/25/2014 08:39 AM


Please refrain from making such huge generalizations.

Also, while your marriage may not have worked out you need to respect this forum for those that are reconciling.

sisoon posted 1/25/2014 10:13 AM

What Jrazz said.

Sad, Are you talking to anyone about your feelings and thoughts, or journaling, etc.? It often helps to get the thoughts down or out one by one so you can examine them and figure out how to stop them. Otherwise they may just stay in your head going round and round, and one you deal wit one thought, other nasty thoughts keep popping up and distracting you.

catatonic posted 1/25/2014 11:11 AM

This is the topic I have been scanning SI for answers the last few days . I am 6 mos. out. And naively thought I would be past this ambivalence. Though my WS, I true key believe is remorseful and working hard. I am discontent with my feelings.
Some days I'm all in , understand it happened an focus on us now and future. Then bang, for no reason, I'm thinking if his actions in the past and I want nothing to do with R. The anger hurts.
I really appreciate JRAZZ and Deeplyscared post.
It is encouraging knowing your feelings are real.

As a side note,every time I go on this site to look for answers, because I'm feeling unsure about my relationship. And I start to post. My WH calls. Saying he has been thinking about me, wondering how I'm doing. Something mental going on.

whattheh posted 1/25/2014 12:18 PM

Have you considered the possibility that you may be suffering from PTSD as a result of the infidelity? Its not uncommon after the trauma of infidelity especially for those of us in longterm marriages where we were blindsided.

Anyway PTSD will give you the feeling that you are stuck and keep having recurring episodes and invasive thoughts. If this might be your problem there may be additional strategies you can leverage to help you combat this and move forward.

Theres lots of info if you google it. My fWH has found a site named healmyptsd which has useful info. And some therapists specialize in infidelity related PTSD.

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:20 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

PRNDL posted 1/25/2014 17:23 PM

Sorry for having my own opinion. It was just that after my D-day everyone gave me advice to R and fix things because it was just a mistake. Even the 3 different therapists I was seeing.

It caused me nothing but pain. I made no progress regarding my pain, triggers, and obsession. That is, until I left.

Once on my own, im healing.

I just want to give people strength, not stay in a place where they continue to question or hurt.

Go to the R section of this forum. Its full of people who still hurt and worry "if they are still cheating".

I with i had at least one person after D-day to give me strength and tell me to leave and move on.

My 3rd D-day was worse that the first.

Deeply Scared posted 1/25/2014 17:27 PM


You ARE in the Reconciliation forum.

You're not reconciling so please don't post in there unless you can be supportive towards reconciling.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:27 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.