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I Totally Effed Up

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Cornbread posted 1/25/2014 02:43 AM

We have been married for 25 years. I started my first affair in 2000. We experienced a devastating family loss--the death of our child--and my wife and I were both emotional basket cases. Not long after, a female co-worker introduced me to one of her married friends. The three of us, along with another mutual friend, began meeting after work for happy hours. After a while, the other two dropped out and it was just me and the married woman going out for drinks. We both had difficulties in our marriages and our relationship evolved into a EA/PA.

The affair continued undetected for several years until one evening my wife walked up behind me while I was typing an e-mail to the OW. I downplayed the affair and told her its not what you think, we are just friends, etc. I did not confess to the details. The OW divorced her husband and nearly convinced me to do the same. I finally came to my senses and told my AP that I was not going to leave my wife. By this time, my AP was newly single, looking for a husband, and no longer satisfied being the OW, so the affair ended. I TT'ed for a long time, but eventually confessed my affair. My BW was devastated, but stayed with me as I promised that it would never happen again.

Throughout our marriage, we experienced sexual compatibility issues. I always wanted more sex than my wife did and that was a major source of friction. I tried to pick up the slack with porn and masturbation. More importantly, there were some sexual activities that I really enjoyed that my wife was not comfortable in doing. In contrast, the sex with my AP was different and exciting, and she enjoyed pleasing me in ways my wife would not.

I was faithful to my wife for several years following my A, but I still craved the pleasures my wife was not willing to provide. One day I was looking at the personal ads in Craigslist and saw ads from men seeking NSA sex with women.

I convinced myself that I deserved the sexual pleasure that I was missing. And, I was not getting any younger. I loved my wife and wanted to keep my marriage intact, so I rationalized that an NSA relationship would not really be an affair, since there would not be any emotional baggage to deal with. In my twisted logic, I felt that by seeking only married women, I could keep it NSA, and I would minimize any chance of contracting an STD. I figured that the men that posted for NSA sex on CL would not continue to post those ads if they did not have some degree of success, so I gave it a try.

Most of the ad responses I had to weed through were from bots or professionals, but I did correspond with a number of what appeared to be legitimate respondents that expressed an interest. I was able to hook up with two women (AP#2 and AP#3) that were physically and geographically compatible, and could meet my limited schedule of availability.

My carefully concocted plan blew up when my wife found numerous visits to a dating website, hotmail, and yahoo on my smartphone. I finally came clean about my activities and gave her my passwords, and told her who the women were. I destroyed her, broke her heart, and lost every ounce of trust she had in me. But, it gets worse.

She looked up my last AP on Facebook and learned that the AP had a child less than a year after our A ended. My BW had a paternity test done on the child that confirmed the child's DNA matches mine. I have not had any contact with this AP since the A ended several years ago.

My BW now monitors my smartphone and computer use, and has GPS tracking on my phone. I tell her where I am at all times, and text her when I leave work so she knows I am coming straight home.

I love my wife and children and desperately want to stay married.

BrokenButTrying posted 1/25/2014 05:35 AM

Hi Cornbread,

Welcome to SI.

You haven't mentioned counselling, are you or your wife currently receiving any? IC or MC? If not, I strongly recommend both.

There is some great advice in The Healing Library on this site, have a read through. It will answer any questions you might have about how to start on the road to R and how best to support your wife. There are some great tips for BS' s too, so you might want to show your wife.

It's good that you are now being completely open and honest with your wife and offering full disclosure, they are all steps in the right direction.

It is a long road and you will face some tough times but be there, 100% for your wife. Support her, own your shit, take responsibility, don't blameshift and you will get there, one baby step at a time.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 5:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

PrideFallen posted 1/25/2014 10:09 AM

Cornbread - welcome! how far out from the most recent D-Day are you? Agreed with BrokenButTrying that you definitely should look into IC if you haven't already. It's a good start that you've given BW access to your phone, computer, and whereabouts; that openness is an important first step.

Cornbread posted 1/25/2014 15:56 PM


IC is on the radar. I have not wanted to attend counseling because I do not see the benefit. I know what I did and I know why I did it. It is up to me to change my behavior. I don't see what counseling can uncover that I don't already know. Maybe someone that has been through counseling can share how it helped them.

Even though I do not think IC will be beneficial to me, my BW wants me to, so I will probably do that.

My BW asks me why I did what I did. I tell her, but she is not convinced that my explanation accurately portrays what really motivated me.

Funny thing happened to me at work Friday. A female customer comes into the office and, after a brief conversation, I learn she is a MC. If felt almost like she was sent to me; like it was my destiny.

Cornbread posted 1/25/2014 16:01 PM


My last D-Day was about 18 months ago.

PrideFallen posted 1/25/2014 16:59 PM

I would have said previously that I had no need of IC. When the dust settled after d-day and I woke up to what I had done, I was rattled out of that mindset. Obviously I don't know where your head is, but if you've truly plumbed the depths of why you did what you did, you are ahead of me.

Even if you do have a sense of why you went outside your marriage, there may well be additional layers to the onion. You also didn't freeze in time at the moment you cheated. You're going through a highly charged period of your life and IC may help you relate to your BW during this time, speeding up your healing as much as MC would.

Cornbread posted 1/25/2014 20:38 PM

Thanks. Hopefully other Waywards will post to share their reasons for having the A, and how IC was helpful to both their understanding of what they did and why, and to that of their BS.

Admittedly, I have not done a lot of the things my BS has asked of me. While I answered her questions to the best of my ability, and visited my doctor for STD testing, it took more than a year before I put a timeline in writing.

To my way of thinking, words are cheap. I have lied to my BS for a long time and broken her trust. If I were her, I would not trust much of anything I said either. I thought that my actions going forward would count more than mere words ever could.

I am coming around to the fact that I may have been wrong. I was looking at thing from my perspective and acting the way I think I would want her to act if the situations were revered. I see what my lack of action has done to her and how hurtful it has been. She is not me and her priorities are different than mine. I see that she is thinking that I am not remorseful. She is drifting away from R because she is feeling that her feelings are not my number one priority. It is for that reason that I am posting on SI, will start reading a book she bought for me today, and will try to schedule IC. Clearly MC is needed, but from what I have read on the boards, IC should commence before MC.

[This message edited by Cornbread at 8:52 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

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