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Holly-Isis posted 1/25/2014 06:32 AM

A couple of weeks back I posted a link to a seminar on FB. I asked if anyone wanted to go. I got no replies.

So last night, a group of friends posted that they were at the seminar. Different day than what I posted, but same seminar.

I'm pretty hurt that they didn't say they were going, but different day. One day earlier in fact.

Should I say something?

I ended up not going because I've been emotionally fragile lately and just couldn't see myself alone in a group of women I don't know.

This feels like more of the rejection I've been facing through my life. My mom, stepmom, MrH, sister, women in my "support" group....

I'm so ready to give up trying to connect with people.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:32 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 1/25/2014 06:56 AM

I would definitely say something like. "It looked like a great seminar!" It sends the signal that you noticed that they went, and that you would have been open to going.

You know, sometimes I have to force myself to do group activities. If I want to do something, I do it... And I usually enjoy myself. I have eaten many meals at a table by myself ( with my kindle, of course).

We only get one chance in this life, I'll be damned if lack of a fun partner is going to stop me from experiencing everything that I want to do.

((Holly))

Holly-Isis posted 1/25/2014 07:01 AM

It's not lack of a fun partner. It's serious depression. I know that I would've been crying, alone, during part of the seminar if I didn't have people I knew to distract me. I really didn't want to go there, KWIM?

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/25/2014 07:06 AM

((Holly-Isis))
I totally feel your feeling of rejection coming through in your post. After you go through a D rejection in other relationships hurts so much more as we are trying to heal. I had friends totally walk away from me and I am still grab ling with that also & like you stated it makes you not want to connect with anyone to not feel that pain. If you are still close to these people wait a few days for your emotions to calm down and tell them how their actions made you feel. It might have been a misunderstanding and you can iron it out.

Want you to know that I will keep you special in my thoughts today because I know how those feelings of rejection can hurt us so. So there is one little 100 lb lady in NJ who is not rejecting you & thinking of you all day..hope it helps!

suckstobeme posted 1/25/2014 07:12 AM

I see where you are coming from, but I also don't think it was a personal rejection. It was probably a situation where someone in the group saw the link, took a look and told another friend that the day earlier was better schedule wise. A couple more people may have chimed in and if your original post mentioned the other date, they just didn't think the day earlier would have suited your schedule so they didn't invite you.

Are these close friends? If so, I might reach out to one - not via FB - just to say that you know they likely didn't mean it, but you were hurt. Let this friend know you are feeling depressed and that you need her right now.

Sometimes, no matter how much it seems we are screaming out for love and attention, people don't hear it. Sometimes, you have to make it really clear that you need a friend right now and that you need someone to lean on. Almost like smacking them over the head with it. Most people are busy with their own lives, but they will make time to reach out, check in, and let you know they care.

If you are feeling really low right now, I would also talk to your doc. Maybe a low dose anti- depressant is something to discuss. This time of year is hard no matter what. Piling the pain of the rest of what we experienced on top of that can be brutal. Don't wait to listen to the options. They might really help.

Amazonia posted 1/25/2014 08:37 AM

I would say, 'I wish I had known you were going; I was looking for someone to go with and would have loved to go with you. Please let me know next time you do something like this!'

phmh posted 1/25/2014 11:18 AM

(((Holly)))

Definitely don't give up on trying to connect with people, but maybe try to change how you go about connecting?

Putting a note on FB is really passive. My feed is so cluttered that I don't even see 80% of the posts that others make. It's possible your friends never noticed your message.

It sounds like you might benefit from a book called "The Four Agreements" -- one of the agreements is to not take things so personally.

I could see if you'd actively contacted your friends, they ignored you and went a different night -- I'd take that personally -- but not the experience you've described.

I like Ama's advice -- contact one of them and say that it looked like fun and you'd be interested in similar events in the future. Don't be passive-aggressive, and don't be a martyr about it. Then find other, fun, things to do, and ask your friends directly if they'd like to go.

I know in my main friend group, there's a core of us, and then there are other people who join us occasionally. All of us have different relationships with the loose 30 or so in the larger group. I feel really close with about 6 of them, but each of them would have different people that they're close with. FB makes things tricky because now those other people in the larger group know if 4 of us go to a concert (or if 4 of them go to a concert -- I'm not always included.)

Anyway, I'm so sorry you're hurt, but I doubt that's what your friends intended. And if they did, then they're not friends! Try to do something fun for yourself today! And, more hugs (((Holly)))

Holly-Isis posted 1/25/2014 11:35 AM

actually, i did also actively contact people about this.

AgainandAgain posted 1/25/2014 11:40 AM

Holly-Isis, I know the feeling. I will post something and not have one reply. I have another friend post the same thing and 50 replies. I post about going somewhere and if anyone wants to go, no replies. Another friend will post and 20 replies to go with them. I actually deleted family members because I was so tired of the Happy Birthday wishes, family events, congratulations on new babies, etc. I never got any of those and either did my children.

It hurts and it makes you feel rejected. I understand that. Prior to moving to this area about 8 years ago I had so many friends. I have tried to connect with new people here and each time I get rejected, passed over, or used. It's hard to meet and make new friends because you don't know if they are genuine or have an agenda.

I wish I had advice for you but I'm in your same boat. Rejected by everyone in my family and I basically have no friends. Try and do things that make you happy. I know that's hard when you feel sad. I wish I could offer you something comforting. Just know you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. I feel that way all the time.

((((((((Holly))))))))

UnexpectedSong posted 1/25/2014 11:57 AM

Should I say something?

Yes! I tell people all the time.

- tell me next time - I want to go
- I want to come with you
- if you're not going, I'm not going
- come on, I don't want to go alone
- if you don't go, I'm going anyway
- did you forget to say hi to me?

It's okay to be open about what you want.

phmh posted 1/25/2014 13:02 PM

If you also said something directly, then I would definitely call or talk to the closest of my friends in person (not facebook, text, or e-mail where so much is lost and feelings can get unnecessarily hurt) Holding it inside is just poison.

When you gauge their reaction, and figure out if there is a pattern, this is intentional, etc., you can figure out if these are friendships you want to maintain, or if you want to put your effort into new people.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. More hugs. (((Holly)))

fireproof posted 1/25/2014 22:28 PM

I have not been on FB but I hear the posts are constant. I can't say for sure but they might have not realized it was the same event or got invited and there was a limited group etc.

If you are interested in things I would simply ask one of the friends who went let me know next time you all go I would e interested in subject x. Be positive which leads me to my next thought.

The thing is post divorce friendships take work what I mean is there some super people but really don't know how to be a true friend plus it takes time to build it is not like college there is far less time. I think it is natural unless you all got together in a frequent basis to assume they would go with their old group.
Doesn't mean you can't join them but you may have to develop a friendship with them for them to consider including you.

All that being said if I wanted to go to something I would either go alone or call anyone and go. I wouldn't count on other people. If you feel they slighted you on purpose then I would choose to invite other people to events. I really don't get that is what happened - I would ask one or two on specific outings and if they go they go if they don't you move on.

I am a bit touchy about this now because I think people who aren't use to having friends or people that are close (not you) have a centered view that is about them being ready or free etc . It has nothing to do with pure enjoyment of time with people. You have decide what the friendship will mean to you and how much time you want to invest and some will be reciprocal and some friendships will be one sided.

I mostly have reciprocal but these people have been stuck with me for 20 years! But I have a super close friend who the friendship is one sided but it is ok - I have known her over 20 years and she is struggling.

Focus on you and what you want. Then invest them time because of you not the other person. Then how they act or not act won't matter.

Lolati11 posted 1/25/2014 22:41 PM

Holly-Isis I know exactly what you mean been there done that ...just ignore !! its really not worth ed ....I learned to do it myself by myself and you know what its not so bad at all !!

Holly-Isis posted 1/26/2014 20:12 PM

Thank you everyone for your time and caring.

I just decided to temporarily deactivate FB and focus on other things as I don't think I can deal with it right now. I spent time with these women when we homeschooled, have taken care of their kids, my kids are good friends with some of theirs. I'm a weightless buddy with one of them. Out of the 7 women, I would've considered 6 of them friends but I've always known they have their little group. I never thought I'd be excluded like that though.

To top it off, I had to host our recovery group last night and yet again got excluded by the wives. Once two of them were actually whispering together...after talking over me. Later the three were huddled in a circle, blocking me out. So I just did my thing and interacted with the guys. Totally awkward considering they are all FWHs and I double guess every joke and will it be taken as flirting.

nowiknow23 posted 1/26/2014 20:32 PM

((((Holly))))

sadone29 posted 1/26/2014 21:32 PM

(((holly-isis)))

I totally understand. I find it very difficult to connect with people.

I've had this feeling of rejection just recently too. I don't know if you saw, but I have a thread about a car accident we just went through. People have been really supportive, except for crickets from a friend I've had for 20 years. She has done some terrible things to me in the past, but I keep thinking we have moved past it. But she will at times want to get together, and then she seems to push me away.

With my new sense of boundaries, I'm wondering if we always had an unhealthy friendship. But to not even say 'glad you're okay' when my kids were in the car? Not cool. And I know she knows because I called our mutual friend who she was with at the time. I'm seriously considering just trying to let go of the hope that constantly comes with this friendship. I now see that maybe I deserve better.

I don't think I'll confront though. I'm not sure there's any point? I don't know. I'm feeling too raw to decide now. I hope you find a decision that feels right for you.

cayc posted 1/26/2014 21:40 PM

You've mentioned this group before and how the women in it are cliquish, & that you talked to the leader and so on.

Given that, I'm not sure that continuing to associate with this group (and it's affiliated with your church right? so maybe not even this particular church) is a good idea for you. Nice people don't do what you are describing here. Support groups don't do what you are describing here. I've participated in a 12 step group and there were occasions where groups of friends formed, but no one would ever dare be a shit to others *during* group even if they didn't chose to associate with them outside of group.

The way you speak about this group is you don't feel heard, you don't feel accepted, and that they are on a different healing path than you. It's okay to reject them. You know that, right?

And gently gently, sometimes when one believes they will be rejected (or whatever feeling it is) they act in ways that cause it to happen. And this occurs unconsciously. I know because I do it too. My insecurities bedevil me and some of my self-taught narratives that hamper me continue because I let my negativity cause it to happen. I can't seem to stop it, prevent it. But I can recognize when a situation is priming it, serving as a catalyst for it, and I've gotten better at walking away from those things that incite me to beat up on myself.

You are free to walk away from these people.

(((holly isis)))

Holly-Isis posted 1/27/2014 06:30 AM

((((Sadone))))

Thank you.

Cayc- I analyze what I've said and done all the time. My stepmom was likely bipolar and who knows what else. She would complain about the people around her. They were the problem, not her. So I freak out, wondering if I'm like her. Am I the crazy one but just too crazy to see it? My IC says no, but she's sick and I haven't seen her since fall. So just my crazy mind there playing over things I said and did, trying to figure out why it's my fault.

MrH says I'm too smart (something my parents said when no boys liked me ), too authentic, too good a friend because they feel it's ok to take and never give.

I want to leave the church, have wanted to for a few years. We had another church picked out but decided to stick it out. Meanwhile some of the problem people left and went there.

We'll be staying at least until spring as DD is part of our kid's Easter production.

Oddly enough, I had no qualms...well, very few anyhow...about cutting my mom out of my life on FB again when she went back to her ways of fawning attention on the other kids while pretending I didn't exist. Or going NC with my sister when she went crazy and blew up my phone while I was in group therapy and refused to respect boundaries. It was only after that that I learned she hooked up with our cousin. So I escaped that crazy train.

So I know I can let go of these people. I have tried to cultivate friendships with people who, like me, didn't grow up around here. I know I am hesitant because I've faced so much rejection in my life. It's also hard to build a friendship when our lives are mainly divergent. SAHM vs working mom, homeschooler vs private/public school and so on.

cayc posted 1/27/2014 07:17 AM

Cayc- I analyze what I've said and done all the time.

I know, me too! It can be so exhausting sometimes. I know there are easier ways to live for sure. But here's the thing, I'm porous. I don't mean I have poor boundaries, but that I'm an empath. So I'm feeling what's going on around me and am super aware of it. Aka "I'm sensitive".

Now, if you like me. You like me because I'm sensitive. All of my best qualities as a friend, family member and lover come straight from that aspect of my character/personality.

Of course, my achilles heel exists simultaneously because of this aspect. That's why I've given up for now the idea of rehabilitating myself out of it and looking for coping strategies. I'm feeling overwhelmed? Engaging in self harm? Ok, who or what is in my life that needs to go?

My impression of you is that you are similar. So much heart. So much love to give. And often feeling behind the 8 ball because you didn't experience unconditional love as a child. So to have your next great hope (Mr. H) fail you there too .... it's a mind fuck.

I just don't want you to apologize for your sensitivity. It's part of what makes you a great mom. It's part of why Mr. H is getting his 20th chance (& there's hope for the guy). It's part of why you are a good friend and recognize the cliquey thing is high school juvenile and wrong. I hope you can see that yes, this situation you're talking about needs to be fixed but it's not because anything is wrong with you.