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User Topic: Where am *I* in the Fog? (WS welcome)
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is consumed by the Fog right now. But where am I? Am I in it too? Swirling around in it looking for my husband, my life, my marriage? Or am I just standing outside it watching it swirl and churn?

Where am I as far as WH is concerned? For that matter, where are the kids in his mind?

It's been a tough week. We are in MC right now to improve communication so that we can attempt to mediate the separation WH is insisting on and so that we can co-parent effectively. We've had two appointments so far. Last night I got to hear again about how he is just DONE and is waiting for our daughter to be stable so he can leave....but in the sentence before that blamed me for his inability to leave.

I wish he wanted to go to counseling to try and SAVE our marriage. He won't do it.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that he says he "wants to do what is right in God's eyes"....and he is confident he is doing it. SERIOUSLY??? I mean, it frustrates me to no end.

I love my husband. Unconditionally. My faith and my commitment to my marriage vows are important to me. I can't walk away from this marriage knowing we never really did make a TRUE effort to fix things. I just can't. I don't want to break our marriage covenant. I don't want to destroy my kids lives as they know them.

I just don't want this.

(I think I veered wildly off topic!)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you walk away knowing YOU did everything you could to fix it? There is no way you can make him. The marriage convenant was already broken. I say that my marriage no longer existed when he lied to another women about being married and slept with her. You aren't doing anything to the marriage. He did. You are simply taking care of yourself. 180 him. Maintain radio silence. More often than not way wards realize they don't like divorce and BS discover they love it.
I don't mean to make light of it but try focusing on you and not on the "marriage". The marriage vows are already in shambles, you have nothing to do with breaking them.


Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
Who's that? The stronger me.
3 young kids

Posts: 337 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I refuse to be the one to walk away, and that's about all I can do right now. I'm not going to help him destroy our family when I don't agree that it's the right thing to do. He thought he would have an A and I would leave and do all the work. He didn't (and never has) realize that I love him unconditionally.

The kids have no idea that there is a problem. They are going to be completely blindsided just like I was. The reason they have no clue is that 80% of our relationship was great! There were literally two major issues that we hadn't been able to resolve because we can't communicate!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH destroyed the family and broke the vows. One of the things I learned was that I shouldn't love my spouse unconditionally. Love is an action. But if he doesn't treat me in a loving manner or treat me with respect, then he doesn't deserve my love.

If you don't want to be the one to file, then give him a time frame to either s$%t or get off the pot. Right now he is miserable. The A didn't make him happy. He can't leave to live the life he wants because of xyz (and there always be xyz reasons why he can't be happy, always something or someone holding him back).

Right now you can't love him back. You need to detach from him for your own well being.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4520 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are definitely in a fog of our own. At least that's how I thought about myself after I had detached a bit.

What I can say is that, right now, you are swimming up stream. There is no possible way to save a marriage unless both parties are 110% in for the long haul. If he's not in this, there is nothing for you to save.

You then have a choice - you either walk away knowing that none of this was your fault and that you would have given it your all if he would have wanted the marriage. Or, you stay, put up with whatever cruel things he wants to do and say, hang onto whatever crumb he throws you, hope to God that his fog lifts once he finally sees your devotion, and wait it out.

To me, the second choice does nothing but chip away at your soul. It is a daily dose of pain and rejection that you allow into your life, all in the name of unconditional love.

Very gently, we were all in these shoes and know exactly where you are right now. I didn't want this at all. I was devastated and still feel that way sometimes more than three years later. He unilaterally chose to change my life and the lives of our kids forever, all for his own selfish reasons. I got blindsided and knocked off the path that I thought was pretty great. The shock is gone, the raw trauma has lessened, but the scar is always going to be there.

I wished and prayed that he would crawl back to me and to us. At some point though, I couldn't do it anymore. He was gone and, just like his decision to leave was not motivated by me, I knew that I couldn't influence a decision for him to come back. My love didn't matter. His choices showed that he didn't really love himself so he couldn't recognize me or my love. He was and still is very emotionally stunted and unhealthy, just like your WH.

It's the same thing here for you. You can't nice him or love him back. As unfair and awful as it is, his decision is to end the marriage. With that, there is no more marriage. You either do what needs to be done to legally end it and heal, or prolong the pain.

You kept your vows. You cherished them and you did everything in your power to save it. This is all on him. While you didn't start this, you have the power to finish it.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2882 | Registered: Jan 2011
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gotta tell you, that I'm definitely in the "wait it out" camp. Like, I'm truly committed to waiting it out. It worked for my MIL. She never regretted it and their marriage was even better after the A.

I guess that gives me hope. That and the fact that he says he wants to do what is right in God's eyes, and I know that eventually God is going to get through to him.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The choice is yours to wait it out. I chose to wait 6 months to see if he pulled his head out of his ass (he did), I waited another 6 months to see if HE started the work (he did).

But I detached from him. I found a space where I existed regardless if my marriage survived or not. Detaching also had the benefit of waking him up. While I was begging him to work on our M and offering unconditional love, he was in no hurry to return to the M. I made myself the back up plan. When I stepped back from him and the M. He lost his soft place to land. ow and his true happy life suddenly didn't look so rosy.

Now my WH stopped doing the work and started looking outside himself and the M to make himself feel better. And started another inappropriate online relationship .(borderline EA ). When I found out I told the new one she could have him through his FB. Didn't say anything to him. When he saw it he snapped back to reality real quick and went NC. We will see if he is back doing the work or not. My opinion shock and awe works better.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4520 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry but the mother of your cheating husband is telling you that she waited it out and her marriage is even better. Mine MIL told me to get over the girl and it would be ok. I don't think you want an answer other than stick it out it will get better.
For your original question then. Yes you are in a fog. You are loving someone for no other reason than that you want to and you are proud that you do. Good. You have made your decision, why do you need validation if you are so sure?


Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
Who's that? The stronger me.
3 young kids

Posts: 337 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheClimb
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That and the fact that he says he wants to do what is right in God's eyes, and I know that eventually God is going to get through to him.

Have you asked him what he sees as "right in God's eyes"? It might be much different than what you and I think is right. I am sorry about your 17 year old. Do you know what is driving these suicide attempts? Are you sure your children don't know that something is wrong? During the weeks following D- day, my ten year old knew something was very, very wrong. She asked my sister-in-law if I had cancer! Kids are way more intuitive, your children are older than mine was. I think you need to have a conversation with them. Your WH apparently does not care if they find out as he has been leaving clues.

Your husband sounds like a trapped animal. Do him, yourself, your children and your marriage a favor and open that cage door and LET HIM GO. Sometimes hon, the only way to save your marriage is to let it go. Ask God to watch over your husband as you let him use the free will that was given to all of us. You deserve better and so do your children. I will be praying for your family and especially your precious daughter.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 9:44 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in "fog". Many BS's are. As far as where you "fit in" in your WH's fog is that you don't. You are the impediment to his happiness. He said it in MC:
in the sentence before that blamed me for his inability to leave.
Your children are just collateral damage. WS's in the fog don't think of their children and the damage they are doing to them. If they do think of the children they think "Children are resilient, they'll be fine." or better yet, "Hey, my parents got divorced, and look at me, I'm fine."

My sister, who waited it out for 2 years (after her WH's OEA), is now getting a divorce. She is angry. She feels like she wasted 2 years of her life (actually, more). Granted, her husband finally told her "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for a long, long time." Because if he had told her that at least 2 years ago she would have dumped his ass. She regrets waiting it out big time.

I do not agree with his decision to end our marriage without giving it another try in counseling. He is going to have to file. I won't do it.

I am a woman committed to prayer. I am praying my heart out daily!

This was/is my sister, too. I got this quote from your profile. I see why you are "waiting" it out. I am so sorry. Your daughter attempting suicide a couple of times really does change the whole dynamic. Your WH is thinking of his daughter, in a way, and not leaving because of her. Why is he blaming you?

I really hate to say negative shit about someone else's WS, but your WH is a cruel, fucking dickhead bastard! How dare he flaunt his affair in your face.

I give you extreme props for living in this situation for the sake of your DD17.

If your WH ever brings up God again in MC, I would tell him to never speak of God in your presence again as he is a blasphemer. I mean, really, fucking another women whilst married, and he is saying he

"wants to do what is right in God's eyes".
The delusional thinking that some WS's come up with are unbelievable.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:48 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU did give it your all, and then some. You tried to save your marriage. YOU made the true effort. You did not destroy anything, HE DID. HE did. You can not do it for him. No matter how hard you try.

You are no where in his fog. He can't see you at all rough the fog, just the foggy incantation that he created of you.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FIL has been gone several years now, so she really has no reason to lie about it. We have always been close and we have had some pretty frank conversations about her marriage, FIL's A, our marriage, etc. I think she is being truthful and it's consistent with what we saw of their relationship- they live next door, so we saw a lot of them! (MIL is still next door)

I don't need validation that what I am doing is right for me, I just want to know what WH's perception is....through the experience of others....

I think I need to do what Isadora did and detach more, but it's kind of hard while we are keeping up appearances in the home....when/if he leaves, he's going to experience the 180 in full force.

God's will in my husband's eyes is that He brought him OW so that he could be happy. I told him if he could show me the scripture supporting that I would consider believing him.

My DD has very adult like depression in that it does seem to be very biological in origin...she has struggled with its since she was a young child...2nd or 3rd grade...puberty has not helped anything at all! We are trying a new approach right now....only a few weeks in , so not long enough to know if it's going to work. She was still self injuring as of last week though. :( her therapist knows this situation in theho me, as did the docs when she was inpatient. All probed around extensively to see if she had any clue what was going on, and all have reported that she doesn't.

I told WH last night in MC to just GO then...that *i* am not the one keeping him in the relationship right now. He then cited DD and her issues and I said, "RIGHT. I am not forcing you to stay right now, you are making a choice.". We have had that convo before as well.

I told him that when he tells the kids, I will start the mediation process with him as long as our MC feels like we are communicating well enough to navigate it successfully. I will not go to mediation before he tells the kids that he is leaving.

[This message edited by nekorb at 9:56 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post made me chuckle Sister! Thank you for sharing your sister's experience.

Steadfast...I do need to be more aware of establishing a boundary in regards to his blame shifting.

I do monitor myself in terms of...if I ever start to feel like I'm wasting my time, then I need to change course...my IC stays right on top of me too. She's a beotch on wheels, let me tell you. But in a good way.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think MIL is lying, I think she remembering differently especially to keep her sons family together. Have you asked WH your questions?

Sorry for your tough week and tough six months for that matter. I wished mine would have done a lot of things differently in those six months. I got over wishing he would do something differently and decided I would do something different.

I will send good thoughts your way and hope you find a path that works for you (and answers that you need).


Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
Who's that? The stronger me.
3 young kids

Posts: 337 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just makes my heart weep for you, Nekorb. You can continue this as long as you want the pain to go on for, but (please forgive me, this is harsh to say because I'm not in your house), hiding fact that their father loves another woman and is just waiting to leave is cruel to your kids. You need to give them the chance to talk this through with you. I simply don't believe that they are not in a whirlwind of doubt and fear right now, which they're hiding from you. Don't LET your husband leave, MAKE him. Then you and they can be open with each other and start to rebuild your lives.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 906 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time I think I'm nearing that point, crazy not- of just kicking him out, I hear the doctor's words in my ears..."she cannot handle this right now. She needs to be improved and stable before there any changes made in the household.".

I can't go in direct opposition to the doctor's instructions. I would never be able to live with myself if his leaving pushed her back over the edge into suicidal ideation...and I made him leave...she's getting smarter and learning what *didnt* work for her the first two times she tried. I fear if there is a third time, she will make sure she has all of her bases covered. Both times prior she thought she was taking enough to kill her.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't argue with you, because only you know what the situation is with your daughter. But every time I hear you talk about this advice to keep the status quo - adulterous husband in the midst of the family, keep things as they are - I hear loud alarm bells ringing. Is your daughter in hospital or at home? WHY do you not think your kids need hear the truth about what's happening? A family full of secrets is an unhealthy place. Really.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 906 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's temporary until she is more stable. They are not suggesting it go on forever until she is completely well, depression free, etc. But right now, they just don't feel that she has the skills on board to cope in a healthy way...she isn't coping with life as she knows it now in a healthy way. She is so far down in a pit of despair and hopelessness that she can't even function some days. We are seeing little improvements, so I hope we are on the upswing, but she is nowhere near being stable right now.

Believe me, there is no way I would live like this unendingly. We are also concerned with her feeling like the split is her fault, but also don't want her to feel like if she stays "sick" he will stay...which is why we tell them nothing.

It just sucks for everyone.

Stupid A.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does suck, very big-time... just hang on to that strong, compassionate and principled woman that you are, be there for your kids and take all the support they can give you. You will feel such a sense of relief when you are able to drop this burden.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 906 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.

I am so fortunate to have a strong support system. Mostly made up of HIS family! MIL, his aunt and uncle, his cousin...then there are my BFFs and my aunt and uncle. Just lots of support and they help me through the really rough spots.

I know this limbo won't last forever. I keep reminding myself of that. But for the moment, my daughter's safety trumps what we want.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 35
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