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littlefoggy posted 1/25/2014 09:28 AM

NPDSTBX wants to discuss this or do that when we meet to exchange DD.

I am super uncomfortable with that. A) it involves the child. B) it has the potential to get heated in front of the child. C) it is not it writing.

I think exchanges should be solely about the child. I am new to this, but that isnt off the wall, is it?

Like I thought about bringing his mail that came to the house, but I feel like that is even too business-y. And it opens the door. Especially with this one, a door opened just cannot be shut again.

How would you handle this?

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:29 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

sparkysable posted 1/25/2014 09:32 AM

I open the door, hand him my daughter and her bag, and shut the door. once in a while he will try to engage me in something, but I've even gone so far as to look at him with a blank stare and shut the door.

GotPlayed posted 1/25/2014 09:41 AM

I have been using school as the exchange (one parent drops off, the other one picks up). That way I don't see her at all. I send my dad to pick them up if school is impossible.

WW has asked to talk on the phone repeatedly. I just text back "email what you need, please".

The last time I answered the phone to her accidentally she unloaded. I regretted it. She told me all these things and then went back on stuff and put something completely different on documents once she talked to her lawyer.

So more lies every time I see her. She wants to Hoover. No reason to contact.

devistatedmom posted 1/25/2014 10:19 AM

Take the mail with you. When he starts talking, just hand it to him, say email me what you need to say, gotta run! Kiss your child goodbye, and walk away.

I'd take the mail because it gets it off your mind and you aren't staring at it. You don't have to discuss the mail with him, so I don't think it's too businessy to do when you are exchanging. The 3rd time you hand him mail, just say please change your address with your bills. The 5th time, remind him that he needs to change it....then start sending it back not at this address.

Mail? Hmm. Haven't gotten any for you, sorry!

Every time you drop off just kiss your child and say you gotta run. It helps if you look like you are going out on the town with a big smile.

littlefoggy posted 1/25/2014 10:26 AM

DD is a toddler. So I can't just open the door and put her out. Some things do need to be communicated about her since she can't communicate herself.

As such, he pushes he way into the house. Literally. Pushes. So I moved the meeting place away from the house.

And I won't let him have access to her daycare until we at least have temporary orders in place,. He wants to just take her out at all hours any day without telling me.

So it is face to face for now. Blank stare sounds good.

On the plus side, he can't seem to find up from down and get his shit together enough to figure out a time to see DD. So, I may not have to worry about this for a while.

littlefoggy posted 1/25/2014 10:29 AM

Oooo. I like "Gotta run" too.

I bet I can do a smiley blank stare.

Smiley Blank Stare "Gotta run"

ETA: I don't even have that much mail. He must have forwarded his mail already. He is just using the mail to get into the house.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 10:30 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

caregiver9000 posted 1/25/2014 12:58 PM

She's a toddler, write down what needs to be shared. Times for medicine, when she last ate, whatever NEEDS to be said, write it down and put it on the top inside the diaper bag.

Call your mom on your cell. Be chit chatting about something... When your ex pulls up to meeting spot, get out with phone on your shoulder, give a cheery "hang on" but don't hang up, hand DD and the bag, kiss DD and confirm exchange time for you to get her back, and go back to phone conversation and walk away and get into your car.

Repeat this every time. If he blows up at your rudeness or what he NEEDED to tell you, ignore him. If he text bombs you with the same IGNORE.

Think of how you drop off at day care. There is no conversation there. You don't stand around awkwardly for 10 minutes. You leave your child with everything she needs and go to your car and go to work.

He may need "training" to accept this. But you don't NEED to tell him stuff or listen to him about stuff.

As for the mail, it can go in the diaper bag too, or you can start returning it to sender.

Your stbx wants to discuss this and that. Doesn't mean he gets to.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 12:59 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

7yrsflushed posted 1/25/2014 21:28 PM

She's a toddler, write down what needs to be shared. Times for medicine, when she last ate, whatever NEEDS to be said, write it down and put it on the top inside the diaper bag.
^^^This. Any mail or any correspondence that needs to be sent gets put in the bag that goes back and forth with the kids. I even put the CS check in the bag each month. Kids go out the door I hand her the bag and they get in the car and leave or she drops them off brings the bag to the door then gets in the car then leave. She has to pass my house to get to her house so she drops off and picks up the kids every other Friday from my house.

In the beginning I would literally stare in her face while she talked and said nothing. It only took her 2 times to realize that I had nothing to say so she should just drop them off and leave. If I have to take them to her house it's the same thing. Kids get out of the car I take the bag to the door turn around and leave.

littlefoggy posted 1/25/2014 21:47 PM

Thanks for the advice.

I will be glad to be rid of the mail. And I am constantly on the phone with my mom so that is a good one.

7yrsflushed posted 1/25/2014 21:55 PM

I will be glad to be rid of the mail.
Tell him to get his address changed via a note on the mail in the back and forth bag. Let him know any future mail will be returned to sender or don't tell him. Then start sending his mail back with a "return to sender, no longer at this address" note on it. You aren't required to be his mail carrier anymore. He'll take care of it eventually when stuff starts getting turned off for no payment.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:56 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

peacelovetea posted 1/26/2014 12:40 PM

I pass mail, kids' school papers that he may want to see, my son's meds, etc weekly -- I have a paper bag that hangs on the back of my door and just throw stuff in there that needs to go to his place. I sometimes end up with his spoons from the kids' lunch bags, etc. We are at the point where things are fairly amicable, so when we do exchanges we chat some and its all fine. It gets easier.

littlefoggy posted 1/26/2014 17:19 PM

I am sitting in the car waiting for STBX to show up to return DD (surprise! He is late!).

Your advice worked great earlier. I handed him a grocery bag of mail (more than I thought after I checked the mail and too much for her bag) he saw the "please forward your mail" note and snarffed.

I handed her off, handed him the bags, said "see you at 6" and went back inside the store (I was shopping). He just walked off.

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