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Venting: Resentment and Anger @ BS

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regret12 posted 1/25/2014 12:14 PM

Been really struggling lately in the current living situation. S but living together. Sleeping in other BR. Only a small handful of friends even know we're experiencing problems. In some ways we've been a little more normal. We aren't talking about it all every night and crying, arguing, etc. But now it's like we are just going thru motions.

BH is running, not dealing w/anything. We are almost 7 weeks from DDay and says he still doesn't know if he wants to working on R or truly S or even D. I offer time, but still living together means that we're in the house most of the time after work or on weekends together. No kids. So if we are there together, we watch TV, movies, listen to music, clean the house...all the normal stuff. We just don't talk much to each other.

Here's the kicker for me. My H is on his phone texting constantly. And I mean in a way that would make any teenager think "dude, you sure do text a lot!". My H is so not a phone person either. He always brought his phone home in the eve, put it on the counter and forgot about it. Hardly ever used it or even answered it and hated texting. Now it's constant dinging and tip-tapping while we're eating dinner and/or watching TV (and he has always hated being distracted during TV or movies).

So Wednesday night after 2 1/2 hours of texting during dinner and TV, I asked if he would feel better if I weren't there. He tells me that he "doesn't mind" me being there. He kind of likes the "normal" feeling, etc. And when I tell him that it doesn't really feel that he's there bc he's so busy texting, and it hurts, makes me suspicious and feels like he's punishing me, he just says he's "lining things up" for his plans later in the week. And these are the plans that he never wants to tell me about, where he going, who he's with, etc. Bc none of it is my business, we're separated. But it doesn't feel that way and he doesn't want me to leave (neither of us really have a place to go for more than a few days @ a friend's house & no family in the area). But, I've offered. Many times.

I'm so confused and honestly at this point I'm a little mad and a bit disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh and maybe I'm just upset right now too. The thing is that my H and are truly madhatters in the sense that he's had multiple emotional/somewhat physical (no intercourse, that I know of) A's over the years we've been together and I had the PA 12 years ago. My lies to cover it up are our biggest challenge now.

Sometimes it truly feels that it would be better to start over fresh, for both of us. I feel that this is just a cycle at times for us. We go through rough patches and we both get depressed and he seeks out EA's rather than deal. Yes, there was the one time (and yes, it was one time too many) in our 22 yrs that I too chose a PA over him, our marriage and reacting to our issues constructively. I wish to god I hadn't made that choice. I wish I hadn't lied. We were younger then and we really didn't deal with anything constructively back then. My H is not a believer in IC/MC and is typically the type that wants to sweep under the rug.

I know it's only 7 weeks and I've had 12 yrs but I'm struggling with feeling like I'm losing my whole life and everything I love one day/week and the next just feeling like walking away and starting new. I am so mad at him for not, at minimum, wanting to at least work on himself and stop going out and drinking with friends (which he never used to do and even still hates) and texting other women (I've seen the bill and I know some of these has been a past E/PA). He knows that I know and told me it wasn't my business and that if I contacted her (or the other, new girl) then I would stand no chance of ever getting him back.

Bottom line: I feel that he wants an RA and won't feel justified and ready to move on until he gets it. I think he's in some ways wanted this for a long time. I feel like a little of this is an excuse and an exaggeration of his feelings in order to punish me and possibly get to have the PA that he's kind of always wanted to have and can now justify it (at least in his mind).

If you don't know my story, then know that my H loves porn and wanted me to fulfill some of his fantasies which is what fueled some of the sexual/intimacy problems we had 12 yrs ago that I used to justify my A to myself. My H knew I was having an EA but wasn't as worried about it as long as it wasn't a PA (he doesn't really believe in the EA concept as a, yeah, I know...go figure!) and even liked for me to tell him about my "dirty talk" and flirtations with the AP while H and I were having sex. What he didn't know back then was that it turned in to a PA. I TT'd that and came clean 7 wks ago. Very confusing and F'd up I know.

I want MC and work toward R, once and for all. We've got a 90% great M! We have so much in common, are so much alike, we even have great sex when we do have it. We've just always used it as a weapon against each other to get what we wanted sexually from each other in the areas we do have differences. We need to deal with that shit and what has always led him to immediately turn toward OW when the chips are down and what made me justify an A 12 yrs ago. To a certain extent it was an RA of my own.

Agggghhhhh! Ok, I'm breathing again. Perspective? I know I'm being selfish, inconsiderate, impatient, etc. Right?

BrokenButTrying posted 1/25/2014 13:25 PM

Hi Regret,

Gosh your living situation sounds so much like mine, I got a bit choked up reading it.

We are only 4 weeks out from Dday and have two children so our going through the motions includes keeping things normal for them. We're not separated but we're very much on a roller coaster. We're in MC but H doesn't really know whether he wants R or D. I suspect at the moment he's here for the kids, although he hasn't admitted this to me. He is also on his phone ALL the time, so I totally get why you feel shut out because of that.

We are still having HB and have some really intimate, close days but those are followed by huge downs which last several days.

I'm not angry and I don't resent my H for it, although it can be frustrating at times. I just keep in mind that it's all a process and I love him with all my heart so I have to be strong for him.

Are you in MC? It works wonders for us. We don't talk about my A at all really, apart from the evening after our MC sessions. If it weren't for that, he probably wouldn't discuss it at all. It might open up some avenues of communication for you too?

Be gentle with yourself today. Take half some time, have a bath and try to relax.

UnexpectedSong posted 1/25/2014 14:54 PM

He will not change. Can you spend the rest of your life this way?

regret12 posted 1/25/2014 16:20 PM

BBT, I have suggested IC and MC to my H several times. He's not willing, at least not yet. Says, and has for a long time, that he doesn't really believe in it. Thinks it's basically a scam that helps people believe what they want to believe rather than face harsh truths. I was in IC for nearly three years.

Sorry you are experiencing similarities. It's difficult...but we don't have a right to complain, right? That's what my H basically says or does at times.

US: I love and adore my H in so many ways, but I fear that the truth is that you are right and this will never change. That's the reality that scares me to death.

UnexpectedSong posted 1/25/2014 16:24 PM

Based on your description, he has been like this throughout your relationship. If you have decided to stay, you need to learn how to accept him so that you can live in peace

PrideFallen posted 1/25/2014 19:50 PM

I find this highly ironic:

Thinks it's basically a scam that helps people believe what they want to believe rather than face harsh truths.

I was REALLY GOOD at avoiding facing harsh truths; I was REALLY GOOD at believing what I wanted to believe. My skill in these areas was masterful, in fact. IC is one of the ways I'm unlearning these "skills".

I'm not a madhatter, so there is probably a dynamic to your relationship that I can't easily relate to, but it seems like you have as much right to question him about his texts and phone usage as he does for you. I realize that the d-day for your A is very recent and that he has to work through that, but still.

regret12 posted 1/25/2014 22:46 PM

Much agreed PF, much agreed.

US, I'm trying to figure that one out. If I can, if I want to...

majortom87 posted 1/26/2014 07:27 AM

That's how I started (I'm a madhatter myself). I wasn't seeing much remorse in my xGF besides the claims of being remorseful and the situation surrounding the affair was deteriorating really fast, dangerously so, so one day, ten days after DDay, I just gave up. Ironically this seemed to improve my relationship at home. I wasn't angry anymore, I was more cold-friendly, my xGF believed I was "moving on". But what I was doing was spend my days texting a good friend of ours, my main support during this whole ordeal. I entered in an affair but soon I realized that I was not made for it. Too much drama, secrecy, keeping lies... it's exhausting. So I came clean with my xGF and ignored her pleas to work things out (the OM was in full psychotic break and I was seriously fearing for my safety, I hated her for putting me through all that). We broke up and I tried things with the OW.

As to now, we are dating, so I would be an hypocrite if I were to lecture people about the badness of revenge affairs. Truth is I don't regret it at all. I used to, but I don't anymore. Bottom line is: if he's looking for an exit A, I wouldn't wait for him to find it. Just part ways and move on. People do stupid sht when they get hurt by the person they love the most, there's no need to let them sink into doing things they're going to regret. It's like keep cheating, you know? If the relationship can't be saved it's better to let him go.

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