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jenfrat posted 1/25/2014 13:14 PM

Last week I found out my husband of 13 years has been having an affair since August. He pretty much cut me off physically and emotionally about 3 months ago and during this time I asked him if there was someone else and he told me no. I happened to be checking his texts (his grandma just died and he was still sleeping). I was really not snooping, but making sure everything was ok but happened to see the messages. I immediately confronted him and he admitted everything. They were never physical apparently...but still. Worst moment of my life.
After constant talking for 2 days we decided that we were going to work on things and he ended it with her. If that were all I'd feel better....BUT, he texted her the day he "ended things" to make sure she was ok. Didn't tell me.
She messaged him yesterday with an "I love you, you can deleted this". He did admit that one to me before I asked. Then today i found another message from someone else. It was a picture of her cleavage. He's since deleted that.
He's gotten upset when I've admitted to snooping, so I was trying to get him to admit it to me, but since he's deleted it he'll know I snooped. I plan to bring it up when we start counseling next week to see what the excuse for that one was.
I really want to work things out but I know he's not being completely honest! God knows what other things he's deleted!!!
Thanks for letting me vent. I need some advice, I've never dealt with anything like this before.

Merlin posted 1/25/2014 13:20 PM


You may or may not know the half of it yet. You have some words from your wayward, you have some half-hearted and not so hot actions from him.

Him saying its over? Really?

Continuing texts to make sure that OW is okay? Did he ask if you're okay?

Cleavage shots from another OW?

Pay attention. It seems like more is going on that you know.

totallyconfused1 posted 1/25/2014 13:34 PM

I'm new here too, and sorry you're joining this forum.

One thing I found really helpful was the post "Before you say Reconcile". I bumped it up in the forum for you.

If your ws is truly wanting to earn your trust back, he would be an open book. You wouldn't need to sneak around and check his phone - he would be ok with you having access to everything and understanding that you can't trust him right now.


annb posted 1/25/2014 13:51 PM

Hi, jenfrat, welcome to SI. My heart is bleeding for you, we all remember the pain of discovery.

Right now it is so important that you do the best to take care of you. Eat when you can, stay hydrated, and try to get some sleep. Please make an appt. with your doctor for an STD test.

IMO you have just the tip of the iceberg...your husband is not being forthcoming, and like most of us here, you will have to go into investigative mode to get the truth, cell phone records, social media sites, GPS tracking, etc. Please don't take his word that nothing happened physically, my WH told me the same thing...many here heard the same bullsh*t only to find out days, weeks, even months and years later that the A was physical.

Please read the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and scroll down this forum one, two or three pages and find all the posts with a target icon on the left-hand side. Tactical Primer and Before You Say Reconcile are excellent IMO.

You cannot rebuild a marriage without the painful truth. If YOU decide you want to continue in the marriage, your husband has to be an open book giving you access to everything and accountable for all of his time. He cheated, he lied, he lost his right to privacy. Don't believe a word he says, cheaters lie, his actions will speak volumes.

Also keep in mind his affair(s) have nothing to do with you! He owns his own actions.


william posted 1/25/2014 14:12 PM

im sorry for the why you are here but glad you found here. this site can help alot. the healing library is a gem!

Athassrd posted 1/25/2014 17:24 PM

Hi jenfrat. Sorry you are here too. Like you I just recently found out. The support here is incredible and the Library a great source. I started a notebook and I highlight the pertinent points for my situation and I put the 180 as the first page.

You are not alone.

Skan posted 1/25/2014 18:08 PM

Jenfrat, you were not snooping. Married people have no secrets from each other. Privacy, yes, like when you shut the bathroom door to do your business. Everyone knows what you're actually doing in there, it's not a secret, but it's private. Secrets, however, are not acceptable in a healthy marriage.

If your WH didn't give you the reason to look, then you wouldn't need to have looked. And frankly, this isn't a court of law with rules and regulations about how you can gain evidence. This is a marriage between two people who are supposedly in love, have each other's back, and who are faithful to each other. Once one person breaks their vows, then all bets are off on finding out what they are doing. And being as your WH seems to, like every other Wayward, want to lie to you non-stop, well, too bad, so sad, you're going to check up on him.

And this business about continuing contact with the OW AFTER the NC was sent is complete bull. He put HER feelings above YOURS! What an ass.

I'm very sorry, but you have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg. You need to be prepared for more. It is SO very common for a Wayward to lie when found out that it's a rueful joke here that's not at all funny. Keep coming back for support. We're here for you.

RealityStinks posted 1/25/2014 19:57 PM

He's gotten upset when I've admitted to snooping

So did my WW, but only because she was still hot and heavy with the OM. The only reason I would care at all if my WW (anyone for that matter) wanted to snoop through my phone is if I had something to hide. If I were you, I wouldn't trust one single word out of his mouth. I did, and I got burned.

You found the texts last week. I would bet money there's still a lot to come out of this. By the time I found the texts, my WW had already started frequenting the OM's house, but I did learn about that until three months later and only by accident.

Hang in there sister. It's gonna be a wild ride.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 7:58 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

brkn_heartd posted 1/25/2014 23:19 PM

If he is not remorseful...of course he is still upset. He is still doing things that he should not be doing! He is upset you are "snooping" because you are interfering with his play time. He is not finished and you will find more yet.

I also would not believe that they have not been physical. I would strongly recommend you go to the doctor and be tested for STD's. Remember he is LYING to you now about the texts, he is mostly likely lying to you about other things. Do not take your health for granted.

I recommend you read on the 180 in the healing library. I expect you will be needing it soon.

Demand full transparency. Immediate, full and continual access to his phone and all accounts. Expect him to not give them to you or give them to you after he can clean them up. Don't forget the telephone can give you a lot of information about his texting and talking activity. Pay attention to the times. When my husband realized he had been caught he moved on to using email...however his times stayed the same as his texting time.

Expect denial...expect anger and frustration. Remember right now...take care of yourself. Eat, drink and try to get rest.

Hurthalo posted 1/26/2014 13:51 PM

Stand by for some vicious trickle truth, I've had about 9 iterations of the truth now and it was only because my wife would only admit to the bare minimum of what she thought I knew.

You don't declare your love for someone you haven't even touched.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:51 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

jenfrat posted 1/27/2014 08:08 AM

Thanks for all of the support. There are only a few people in RL I want to talk to about all of this, so it's nice to be able to get on here.

OW is a co-worker of my husbands, so NC isn't completely possible, although he swears up and down that it is the ONLY time he'll communicate with her. We've talked, I've checked phone records and what not (although I can't see in network text messages on the verizon site!) and so far everything seems to be lining up. The only times he's talked with her were either about work or when he called her on Friday to reiterate that he and I are going to work on things and to stop contacting him. He told her on the 21st that whatever they were doing was to stop because he wants to focus on our marriage, so several days later she apparently thought it was ok to text him again??? I don't know. It's taking everything in me not to message her myself, but I know that will probably accomplish nothing.
I asked him about the cleavage shot. I'm a terrible liar (go figure) and couldn't not tell him I saw it. He explained what was going on there and showed me her facebook page. Apparently she's a former co-worker who sent him that hoping it would make her boyfriend jealous. He said he deleted it because he thought it was ridiculous.

I understand what you all are saying that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that I'm going to find out more crap...all I can say is that I hope to God you all are wrong. :)

He's been suffering from depression and anxiety for some time. Was medicated for a bit and a couple of years ago stopped taking his meds. I kept telling him to please see someone, especially once I noticed his eyebrows starting to disappear. He was picking them. He tells me that he was feeling alone and didn't think I noticed. I told him that I was right there the whole time, but in his depression fog he couldn't see that. Then in August he started things with her. He had been working with her for about a year already. He keeps saying that he was never looking for it, blah blah blah, and I told him that he should have been faithful and mature enough NOT to pursue it once he realized that things were going beyond a professional relationship.
He's finally started IC and taking depression meds again and I've noticed a HUGE change in his personality. He's acting more like himself. I'm not excusing ANYTHING....believe me I'M PISSED at him, but I also can't ignore that his depression wasn't a possible factor.

Again, we're starting MC next week. I know we have a long way to go, but he really seems to want to fix things. He said that something I said when I found out really caught him. I mentioned that he cut me off emotionally about 3 months ago. Told me that he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. Well, when I found out about OW, I said of course you don't feel you are in love with me. Your transferring all of your feelings to someone else. For all you know you feel exactly the same way for me but don't realize it. For some reason that got through to him.

Sorry this is so long...didn't mean to write a novel.
Again, thanks for the welcome, but so sorry we're all here. :(

norabird posted 1/27/2014 08:31 AM

It seems like, given a bad situation, you have some hope ahead for your marriage. Good luck to you. NC is really important for him and the OW!

scarednbroken posted 1/27/2014 09:18 AM

While you may think NC isn't possible in a work situation it is. Unless he is a direct supervisor or she his.... Then a transfer or something is in order. Otherwise they will just start up again. The temptation is too great. She's "in love" and he thought he was... If she continues to be forward it is up to him to tell her to stop ir he will have to take it to upper mgt. if she continues then HE has to file a complaint. She will either stop to save her job or not. But in all this he has to be indifferent to her. No contact at all. The "I can't help it is an excuse."

jenfrat posted 1/27/2014 09:26 AM

While you may think NC isn't possible in a work situation it is. Unless he is a direct supervisor or she his.... Then a transfer or something is in order. Otherwise they will just start up again.

I'll have to talk to him about this. They're both government contractors. They work for different companies but are assigned to the same project. Not sure what there is to do, but I'll ask. He told me that he is going to start looking for another job. He says it's not fair for me to have to worry.

Katz13 posted 1/27/2014 15:47 PM

My H also had an affair with a co-worker. I had suspicions for months And thought nothing physical was happening since he spent weekends at home and never came home from work late. Turns out they were doing it in her car at lunch time. Soooo I guess I would investigate it further. Luckily my WH has been able to get a job elsewhere. I pray for you and your recovery.

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