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Marriage Blessing

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JustSoSad42 posted 1/25/2014 15:27 PM

We had our marriage blessed today. (We are Catholic, and since the vows are binding and permanent the first time, there is no "renewal" but you can have a priest bless your marriage.)

I didn't know how long it would last, so I didn't make arrangements for our kids (ages 3 and 2). Thank God there were there running amok so I didn't have to pay that much attention to how many times the priest mentioned fidelity. (The blessing is written in a book, and read aloud by the priest. Talks about fidelity A LOT.)

I knew it would be hard, had already cried before we went. I have been in a really bad spot for about 4 days now. It is so frustrating because I was doing pretty OK for the most part, for a while. But all of a sudden I am just back at square one, bombarded with mind movies, and so much anger and disgust.

It's hard to talk about it with my husband anymore, because it just makes him feel like nothing he does is good enough. I've told him straight up that nothing he does WILL EVER BE good enough, but that he has to do everything he can think of anyway. That even though him trying as hard as he can cannot take the hurt away, NOT trying would take a crappy situation and make it so much worse.

I don't even know where I am going with this post, I just needed to talk about it a bit. I am tired of talking about it with my husband. It doesn't go anywhere good lately, and I don't want to make things worse.

This all just sucks so much. I need a time machine to either go back before his ONS and voice that I am uncomfortable with how much he was going out so that it wouldn't have happened, or to go forward a few years to a point where I am in a better place with all of this.

bionicgal posted 1/25/2014 15:44 PM

I am curious about the timing, Justsosad -- how long has it been since dday? I am 8 months out, and in a good space relatively, and thinking it would be way too early for us.

JustSoSad42 posted 1/25/2014 16:10 PM

I originally wanted to renew our vows ASAP, as a symbol of starting our marriage fresh, so to speak. To mean it this time, I don't know.

I made the appointment for the earliest date available at the time. On the phone I was informed that the Church does not do vow renewals, but a marriage blessing instead. I was bummed about the semantics, but I thought it certainly couldn't hurt anything to have our marriage blessed.

We are both committed to making our marriage work so I hoped a vow renewal would solidify it or something. I don't know. I was hysterical. Now I am just mad and grossed out and sad.

Hurtbetrayed posted 1/25/2014 16:11 PM

I actually was planning to get our vows renewed on our anniversary this year. I cancelled our trip to Hawaii and canceled vow renewals. I can't fake doing all that when he didn't even respect the first times vows. I know it must of been hard and things feel good one day and at its worse the next day. Our DDay was Dec. 9 ,2013 so it's recent. I also was expecting our last child and MC last week. Having a D&C on Wed.
It's been the hardest 2 months and I feel all this will one day be nothing but a bad memory. For now it's all bad and all I do is keep a smile on my face and inside I'm a wreck. I can't cry all the time, because my kids are around and they don't need to see me hurt. Even though Dec. they saw mommy was destroyed. I'm doing better and I know you'll be better too. I don't understand how someone who loves you can hurt you the most.

sisoon posted 1/25/2014 16:14 PM

I've told him straight up that nothing he does WILL EVER BE good enough,

Gently, that hasn't been my experience. If you both do the work of R, you WILL get to a good place. As I say, it takes a lot of work over a long time, but that's the nature of M anyway.

JustSoSad42 posted 1/25/2014 16:17 PM

Hurt, I am so sorry you are going through this while experiencing a MC. I am pregnant right now also and can't imagine going through that pain on top of the betrayal.

I feel like I am faking a lot, too. It's hard. My husband is a big joker, and it's hard to be silly with him. :-(

Hurtbetrayed posted 1/25/2014 16:24 PM

((Justsosad ))

I know how you feel. Even if try try their best its like they are doing the worse. My H tries to be a goofball and I try to laugh, But it's like I'm laughing outside and my heart breaks more inside. I know we are both committed to work things out, but it's not the easiest journey. I would of dropped towel and tried to move on, but I know mistakes happen and my children need a father,a family. If I knew or seen he was not trying I would of left. He is trying, but my hurt and anger are stronger than forgiveness. I sure hope that one day we are able to find a way to forgive them and have the marriage we deserve and want.

Hurtbetrayed posted 1/25/2014 16:25 PM

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF A CHILD IS THE BEST BLESSING!!!! With or without a man in our life.

My kids are my real sunshine why I keep going and wake up.

hurtingfool posted 1/25/2014 16:56 PM

Before I found out, I was planning on renewing our vows to surprise her. I figured with all the positive changes I was doing this would really hit home. Then I did find out. It will be quite some time before I think of that again, though the idea of doing it to start fresh is interesting.

Flatlined123 posted 1/26/2014 06:22 AM

This year will be our 25th anniversary. I feel like we are in a good enough place to re say our vows. We will be 5 years out at that point. We will have our marriage blessed, but we will also be saying vows to each other privately. That was important to me.

I too initially wanted to do it right away. I'm so very glad I didn't push for it, because today I would feel like it was such a fake.

We've both yelled, retreated to our own space and cried a river...and I feel like we had to wade through all that emotion and stuff before it would feel real.

I'm not sure how far out you are, but be sure before you do it.

wanttogoforward posted 1/26/2014 20:13 PM

Not sure how I feel about a vow renewal/ marriage blessing. I sometimes think it would be a wonderful thing for him to plan and then on the other hand make people wonder why we did it.... it just seems like when you read about a celebrity doing this it then gets out in the tabloids about one of them cheating....

I guess once you are married you are married... though it would not hurt for the WS to do something special for an anniversary like a trip or something super romantic.

I will be approaching the 25 in just a couple years and even that makes me shake in a way... I want him to do something special and romantic, but not over the top.... and not with major family other than our friends either. Maybe a romantic B&B or a weekend away or a beautiful ring to commemorate.... just confused about what I want right now. I'm probably not alone with that.

JustSoSad42 posted 1/26/2014 20:46 PM

Our marriage blessing was private, no one knows about it. No family knows about what happened.

In the end it turned out not to be that meaningful, since like I said, my kids were running around and I wasn't really focused on it.

The saddest part is that when I started talking about getting our vows renewed in the first place, it was SO upsetting because I had always planned on having a vow renewal at 10yrs so I could have a party and wear a pretty dress again. And I was so sad and angry that I was having to schedule what basically amounted to an emergency vow renewal to reiterate that pesky fidelity thing....ugh.

I am 100% committed to our marriage, as is he. So I was not really worried about needing to be sure.

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