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Ugh! AP in my dream…does my BH want to know?

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knightsbff posted 1/25/2014 17:44 PM

I'm not aware of really thinking of the AP much at all. Yes he passes through my mind if something triggers a thought but I don't dwell and I never reminisce. The thoughts are like "O.K., he exists, no idea what's going on with him, no desire to find out, moving on…" I don't think fondly of him. I don't hate him. I do still feel some nausea and disgust at what I did and what he did but what he did is not my problem. Also I usually feel sadness that I harmed others. His BW, his children, and him. Yes I can see him as another human being that I participated in harming. Those really sum up all the thoughts and feelings I have about my AP if ever he crosses my mind and this doesn't happen often at all anymore and the thoughts flit in and are gone in seconds.

(I didn't mention feeling sadness for the harm I've done to my BH because I have those thoughts constantly and not just when the AP crosses my mind though I have them then as well, although it's more of a sick feeling of how could I have done that to my H that I love.)

But he (AP) appeared in a dream a night or two ago. It wasn't sexual. But it also wasn't OK at all. The dream is hazy but I know I spent time around him and other people. I didn't get away from him immediately like my BH would like me to do IRL. I remember a sense of being trapped but I also don't remember me trying to avoid any interaction. There wasn't a sense of a continuing association but I willingly interacted with him.

I woke feeling a sense of failure and guilt.

I would never do this IRL. I will not interact with him in any way. Happily, I haven't seen him and there has been no attempt by anyone to break NC.

I haven't talked to my BH about this because I still haven't gotten it straight in my mind. Why did I dream this? It freaking bothers me and sort of pisses me off.

I don't need closure. I don't need anything having to do with the AP. If I could have my hearts desire we would move far away from here so we would never have to risk running into the AP, his BW, or any trigger of the A.

I know my BH will end up reading this eventually. Sometimes it takes him a few days. So I will talk to him about this but for future reference. Do dreams like this fall under something a BS wants to hear about from their WS?

This is just so yucky and annoying.

I'm wondering if living in a small town like we do and having the constant worry in the back of my mind of me or my BH running into the AP or his BW takes it's toll on me over time and comes out as the AP appearing in a dream? I do have a constant low level anxiety any time I or BH leave the house. If that contributes to the dream I really wish I could learn to handle things in my dreams in a way that I and my BH would feel OK with.

Tickingtock posted 1/25/2014 17:51 PM

I don't have any advice on the anxiety. But you need to tell your husband.

First, it probably won't bother him. You can't control your dreams and it wasn't a sex dream.

Second, it will make you feel better. If you have to ask if you should tell, then you will feel anxiety about it until you tell.

Third, and most importantly, it will help establish trust and make your husband feel safe.

Jrazz posted 1/25/2014 18:12 PM

Why did I dream this? It freaking bothers me and sort of pisses me off.

Dreams aren't always indicators of our desires or issues. I firmly believe that sometimes there's just filing and housecleaning happening, and our experiences may surface and get jumbled around. It's so hard to have something take place in a dream that bears emotional significance, and then to try to separate that out from reality when we wake up.

Considering that it is troubling you, I'd say it's probably pretty important that you talk to him about it. It's time and headspace that are unfortunately going to the AP, and keeping it to yourself will likely end up being more hurtful to him than letting him in on the process.

His feelings will likely be hurt, but it should also foster some sense of trust and security that you are letting him in on anything that happens in regards to AP.

Does that make sense?

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong here. You just want to do right by your BH, and that's the best possible response.


Ascendant posted 1/25/2014 18:13 PM


As a BH going who went through this just last week, I vote for telling him. I didn't love the fact that it happened, but I wasn't angry at my wife either.

knightsbff posted 1/25/2014 18:27 PM

I will definitely tell him. I hate to bring the AP to the front of his mind for any reason though. I know it hurts and angers him.

My thoughts now aren't really going toward the AP regarding the dream. More toward myself, trying to figure out what's wrong with me that this has unsettled me. Why didn't I wake up and think "stupid subconscious, thanks for that" and then just roll on with life? And thoughts toward my BH as in, is this something I should just process independently or is it a good idea to share this? Are there some things that I can spare him without sacrificing trust and intimacy?

mindbody posted 1/25/2014 18:40 PM

I think you should tell him, it's another sign that you are committed to transparency, no matter what.

Yes, I do think dreams of running into him are more likely because you live in a small town because every day you have to deal with that possibility. In our situation, when OW is in town, my apprehesion level increases, so all thoughts of OW and the A are heightened.

Be frank, open and do not hide any aspects - that is my advice. I think telling your BH will be a positive way of showing him there are no more walls. Be completely honest and let him do with the information that he chooses. Hiding this would be a set back to your R. And it would bother you too.

JustDesserts posted 1/25/2014 20:03 PM

And yet don't beat yourself up for what your SUB-conscious is up to. Your conscious is remorseful, doing the work, and recovering, right?

Us humans haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the complexities of our gray matter. What churns and simmers "down there" in our cranial basements shouldn't be something that creates shame and self reproach. Even if it was a monkey sex with the xAP dream, unless you have been consciously having that thought pattern you IMHO shouldn't punish yourself because your deep, dark recesses decide to put your life experiences in the blender and spit something out that, when waking, your CONSCIOUS being knows is in the negative side of the ledger. And in your dream you were behaving in a reconciliation way. Pat your sub conscious on the back!

You experienced it. You're processing it. You can perhaps even learn something from it. And you've shared it. Pat yourself on the back, and maybe even say "Okay, brain...whatever!".

I've had numerous doozies about xAP. A few have had her BH in them. Their house. Their bed. Weird doings. I tell my BW. She doesn't really feel it's a biggie.

My favorite dreams to share with her are the much more frequent ones which she stars in. Last week I had one starring my wife that was just...Surreal. Like the best TV mini series ever crossed with a Jerry Springer episode directed by Tim Burton. It sucked to wake up!

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

knightsbff posted 1/25/2014 23:09 PM

So I told him about it...

He said, "Why are you dreaming about him?" Sounded a little mad, and I almost got defensive, but didn't.

I told him I haven't been thinking about him much or reminiscing. Told him basically what I posted. He was ok with it. Then I guess he felt the need to "claim" me. Definitely goes in the incentive column for being open and honest.

Sweet dreams everyone.

plainsong posted 1/26/2014 12:27 PM

About why you had the dream, I would go with the housekeeping/processing explanation. I have had dreams where I had interactions with an inappropriate person. At first they were dreams where I didn't have boundaries. Then I would have dreams where I would start the interaction, feel weird about it, and then push the person away. Finally, I had dreams where I would be approached but set the boundary at once. It seemed like a sequence of my unconscious teaching me about boundaries. Luckily, my husband believes dreams are just dreams, which has helped me not sink into shame when I have one like that.

918Mama posted 1/26/2014 13:11 PM

I think it's great you told him. My fwh never tells me about anytime his AP's crossed his mind. I've asked him to tell me if they do and according to him it just doesn't happen.

I find that so hard to believe and would appreciate something like what you're doing because then I would know that when they do cross his mind, he would tell me.

Sorry about your dream...maybe it's just your subconscious prompting you to keep your boundaries in place.

[This message edited by 918Mama at 1:12 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

bionicgal posted 1/26/2014 13:19 PM

My H had a dream about 5-6 months out which was similar in that he had the old "feelings" (the high of the affair) and the sense that he had hurt me terribly again, although the AP wasn't in it. But, it was very scary to him and set him to working a little harder on his "why" letter to me. He did tell me about it - I am very glad he did.

I think it is normal for our minds to "go there" in our dreams, and maybe you are just processing. Think about what your feelings were in the dream -- scared? Happy? At peace? Repulsed? Maybe there is a clue there.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/26/2014 13:31 PM

There are studies that suggest maybe the reason why we dream and sleep is because the brain is cleaning itself at this time. I have had only one bad dream about xAP after Dday 2. He wasn't even in it, but BBF and I were in his house cleaning it. Why? Dreams are just weird like that.

So when I wake up from a bad dream like that, I just like to think its just my brain processing those memories and that it's not reflective of who I am or what I'm thinking of now. It's so good you opened up to your BH about this!

knightsbff posted 1/26/2014 16:49 PM

I wouldn't say I'm beating myself up about it but definitely feeling guilty.

During the dream I was interacting with the AP in a friendly way while feeling very uncomfortable about it. I knew I was screwing up and wanted to be handling things differently. I had an end of the world, impending sense of doom, self destruction kind of feeling. Like I lost myself and didn't care about myself anymore. It was weird. Disturbing. Scary.

I'm glad it's over and hope it never happens again.

I think I'm going with, "It was just a bad dream." Does anyone think I really need to think about it any more than that?

Later posted 1/26/2014 16:59 PM

I don't think you need to give it any more thought. Why was he in one of your dreams?

I don't know, but I have random people who I have not thought about in years appear in dreams. It doesn't seem unusual that OM would appear, the affair is probably on your mind a great deal.

Bdell posted 1/26/2014 20:24 PM

First thing, Knight's, you should tell him because that is who you are now, a woman who keeps no secrets from her BH, right? Second, dreams are all about the subconscious mind and have nothing at all to do with reality. I have nightmares when I eat late at night, and what is in those nightmares are the things I have been recently thinking about. Nothing more than that. For better or worse, your AP is a large part of your life, so it stands to reason that you might have dreams that he is involved with. Pretty simple really, and nothing to worry about.

TrulySad posted 1/27/2014 09:23 AM

Thank you for sharing this. I read it yesterday, and knew as a BGF, I'd want to know if my WBF had dreamed of his AP. Yes, it would hurt. And yes, I'd wonder why. But in the end, I'd appreciate his honesty.

We talked about your situation yesterday. My WBF tends to deny what goes on in his head. The thing is...a betrayed person usually knows their partner enough to know a little of what they may be thinking. It drives me crazy that he won't admit to things. If he truly wants to change, he needs to admit to ME his thoughts and how he's struggling. I'm not talking about throwing me a nugget every now and then. I want the ugly truth.

You sharing your dream with your BH helps in two ways. I think he will see how you're being honest. There is NO way he would have ever known you had this dream, so that says a lot as to your commitment. At the same time, by you discussing it, you're making it clinical. It's no longer a personal thought. You brought your BH into it. And now you're facing it as a team.

I hope my WBF follows your path... Good luck!

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