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huskers posted 1/25/2014 18:15 PM

Hello I am 2 weeks in to this. Husband began by saying he wasn't happy, etc. loved me but wasn't in love with me. I asked for counseling. He wouldn't go. Weeks into thinking he was in depression he admitted to affair. I told him I loved him, would work through with counseling, but he had to commit to me. He said he didn't know if he could. I asked him to leave. I do have my dignity and do not like being humiliated on a daily basis.

I am so thankful to all of you for this site and friendship. I haven't posted before except to ask for 1080. That has helped me immensely. Yesterday he called to see if there was hope. I said yes there's hope, but many things we need to do first.

Today he's pissed because he found out how much money I moved out of joint account into my own. He's turning this on me saying I didn't trust him to not clean me out. Don't worry. I'm not stupid. I'm a paralegal and not putting up with that reverse psych.

My question is....am I able to work on this marriage with counseling etc with him not living here? Or do I need to do it when he's here?

aero1122 posted 1/25/2014 21:11 PM

I am so sorry you are here. I am only 7 weeks from d-day but we are living under the same roof still and both in counseling trying for reconciliation.
For you I would say to do what makes YOU comfortable. If you want him to not be in the home then tell him that. There are no rules here. It is whatever you need.
Good luck
(((Hugs)))

huskers posted 1/25/2014 21:49 PM

Thank you. We have been married 27 years, son in college and one in high school. I feel like it's a chess game now and if I make the wrong move it will all fall apart like a jenga game. He mentioned today when he came to pick up son for a movie that it doesn't feel like his house anymore. I told him he's been gone for 2 weeks. That's what it feels like when you walk into it again.

badmedicine posted 1/25/2014 22:14 PM

So sorry you are here too.

2 weeks in....I'd say you are doing well to be bathing regularly and leaving the house. At this point you should do what you need to do for YOUR health, your mental state, your well-being. I know it feels like things could crumble based on a "wrong move", but you should try not to focus on what your WH needs and try to think of yourself. Saving the M needs to be a priority for both of you. The first few weeks after Dday can be filled with more hurtful things and the more you can do to prevent this the better. I tried to be open to my WH and to be supportive of his efforts and he ended up lying and betraying me some more. I wish I had gotten my guard up better and realized that I couldn't trust anything then and it was on him to prove to me that the M could be saved, not on me to beg for it to be saved. The 180 can help. If you think physical space helps you then go for it. If you find that being around him is comforting then I think that's a good sign and you can let him in more. Right now he should be making an effort to help you, to support you, to do what you need. Look for that effort and don't be his soft place to land.

((huskers))

kansas1968 posted 1/25/2014 23:57 PM

I am not sure, but I think living apart might be helpful. There is so much anger and hurt at first that it is horrible trying to be nice to each other and live in the same house. I wish I had had some space at the beginning.

I don't think there is a "wrong move" for you to make. If he wants and loves you, he is not going to let the marriage end without a fight. If he does, then you are probably better off. Sounds like you are doing the right things.

Stay strong and above all know that this is not your fault. Hugs...

crisp posted 1/26/2014 06:18 AM

You are not asking the right questions because reconciliation is way premature. Before reconciliation is possible there has to be total commitment. By his words and actions, he is far from ready.

Continue with the 180 and heal yourself. If and when he gets his act together, then you can focus on a possible R. I know you want to R and it might happen, just don't start down the path now or you will be setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

Justgreatnews posted 1/26/2014 07:33 AM

I admire your dignity and resolve, Huskers. You clearly have your head on straight, he does not.

Good luck. I think you've done all the right things, thus far. You've showed him the consequences of his actions and attitude, and that you will not be a doormat.

huskers posted 1/26/2014 08:15 AM

Can I tell you how much peace it gives me just to have you all understand and validate me? I am so thankful for you all. He is focusing on the wrong things right now, such as how surprised he was at me moving some money and how much. We will be visiting today and I hope to get some footing underneath me. I am strong, I am a worthwhile person, and I will take care of myself not just for me, but to show my son that we can move forward even if this does not work. I am scared, finances, being alone, don't get me wrong, but I can't just curl up in a ball and die.

You mentioned it might give me comfort to have him here, and at times I feel it would. And then I think I am pathetic to even think that. But I am slowly realizing there are no right or wrong answers here.

If I let him back do I let him sleep in my bed? Do I have him sleep in basement? I don't know.

SadInNC posted 1/26/2014 09:21 AM

You mentioned it might give me comfort to have him here, and at times I feel it would. And then I think I am pathetic to even think that. But I am slowly realizing there are no right or wrong answers here.

If I let him back do I let him sleep in my bed? Do I have him sleep in basement? I don't know.

I am about 6 weeks into D day #1 and my WH is still living in the house with me. He wants R but during these weeks, he has slept in so many different places because I am an emotional wreck. He has spent one night totally outside the house sleeping on our son's couch because I kicked him out during a screaming rage. He has slept on our living room couch a few nights, in our bed with me having sex, in our bed with me NOT having sex, in our spare bedroom quite a few nights including last night.

There are times I need and want him to hold me, so I get that you miss him. But when the anger comes, and it will come, it isn't pretty. If your husband hasn't said that he wants R, I would not let him back in the house. Do you see how hard it is for me and my husband says that he wants R. You could be setting yourself up for even more heartache.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You sound like a smart lady. I'm glad you went to the bank and took care of that part of it. Stay strong. We are here for you!

doggiediva posted 1/26/2014 11:37 AM

One thing that needs to be determined right away is if your WH really wants R..

There is a difference between wanting true R versus making just enough of the right noises and moves superficially, so that he won't lose the comforts of home, marriage and daily contact with the kiddos..

If your WH is truly working towards R, he would be genuine in his ACTIONS and he would be unwavering , would not get tired of doing the right things..He would see that his positive ways interacting with you and family are ones he would have to adopt or reclaim for life..

People who are superficial in their actions usually take A behavior underground with same OW or other OW, ONS's, casual encounters, etc..

It is nice if one can see whether or not there is a true desire to R within his or her WS right away.. More often than not, there are those shades of gray that make it hard for us to read our WS correctly..

This shit storm wastes years of our lives, no doubt about it...

Try to focus on you and you only..

Where do you want to be in the next few months, year, five years with your living situation, vocation, friends and hobbies..

Work yourself towards that goal and don't let your WH stop you, even if he truly wants R..

If he really loves you and wants to rebuild the M from the ground up he will understand what you are doing for yourself and will not stop you or try to take advantage of you..

(((( Hugs ))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:46 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]

huskers posted 1/26/2014 17:54 PM

Well I'm sad. I texted him today that we could visit about R today or tonight. He said tomorrow night better. I said of course it's better for you. Today better for me . He has said he's living in cruddy basement apt. Won't give me address. What else does someone have to do on a Sunday who lives in cruddy basement apt with no tv than to jump at the chance for R? I was feeling strong now I'm sad and scared.

SadInNC posted 1/26/2014 21:29 PM

I'm sorry Huskers. Maybe you should tell him that tomorrow isn't good for you or the next day or the next day. Time to get tough. Let him stay in his crappy basement. Take care of yourself now.

huskers posted 1/26/2014 22:06 PM

SadinNC Thank you. I texted him that I would like to know what he wants to talk about. He doesn't answer me. I can't handle anymore negative it's all my fault, rollercoaster of him thinking he can come back, maybe wanting to come back. If he can't tell me what he wants to talk about I'm going to say no. I have to keep myself together to work, take care of my son and myself. My son also has type 1 diabetes, so we deal with shots at every meal and blood sugar checks. I have a feeling what he wants to talk about is splitting up money, etc. Tough shit I've already done that.

Getting to Happy posted 1/27/2014 00:02 AM

I fled my home when I found out...for 8 months. I came back and am still here...In love with my own personal cheater. (it happens ) Most days are good but this is definitely a different marriage.

The infidelity caused a seismic shift in our relationship. Sucks.

That being said, how do YOU feel about him not being there. If he is not really remorseful, just regretful that you figured out he was cheating...? Do you really want some guy stressing you, "Aren't you over that yet, its in the Past...?

I get that you are lonely. No one gets married to be by themselves. But sometimes the WS needs to understand the gravity of the pain they brought to the marriage. Sometimes that means shutting him down, hence the 180.

There is need for consequences. Lest they forget that they fucked up big time!! There is a 'new normal' in your marriage that needs to be addressed, implemented. He needs to be actively working towards helping you to heal.

Only 2 weeks out means you are very raw. My God, I remember the utter pain and sadness...Bless you my dear. Hang on. You seem strong and smart. Stay the course your on, the 180 is your friend.

I do have my dignity and do not like being humiliated on a daily basis.

I LOVE THIS^^^

Whatever happens, you will never be a doormat. That's beautiful. Hold your head up, do what is right for your kids. Whatever happens, your family is lucky to have you in there lives.


Please protect your heart.

((((huskers))))

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 12:04 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

crazynot posted 1/27/2014 00:29 AM

I think you've nailed it when you say he probably wants to talk about money etc., and for now, having given you a huge round of applause for having moved some money yourself, I'd like to advise you not to contact him if at all possible, and then maybe stick to email... text makes you watch for an answer. This man has wounded you in the worst way, you have a son to take care of and at present the only thing you can do to affect the outcome here is to look after yourself. I think you know this already, but like all of us in this situation you're used to thinking that if something's broken your responsibility is to try to fix it. That doesn't apply here - that rule doesn't work. The fixing - if it happens - will be all on him. At the moment, like my WH at the beginning, he's revelling in the 'freedom' of his shitty little apartment.

huskers posted 1/27/2014 08:06 AM

You are all giving me strength bit by bit. I am a very strong person one minute, the next not so much. I'm not telling you anything new. He texted this morning he would like to talk tonight. I asked about what. He said 'to talk about us. I. Me. and what we want.' I replied that I'm not up for more bashing on me and I had all day yesterday, what was his reason he couldn't make time for it then?

sinsof thefather posted 1/27/2014 08:31 AM

huskers, you are doing great so far. I'm very glad that you did have the foresight to move some money. It was the right thing to do - you just can't trust your husband at all right now.

He is focusing on the wrong things right now, such as how surprised he was at me moving some money and how much.

Tell him you have more right to be surprised by his lies and betrayal of you and your marriage than he has to be surprised how you reacted to them.

He has said he's living in cruddy basement apt. Won't give me address. What else does someone have to do on a Sunday who lives in cruddy basement apt with no tv than to jump at the chance for R?

Does he 'say' the affair is over? Could he have been seeing OW yesterday? Do you know who the OW is - or if she is single or married? Could he be staying with her and that be the reason why he doesn't want you to know where he is?

If you do meet him and he does want to talk money, don't let him talk you into anything and don't believe all that he says either.

((huskers))

huskers posted 1/27/2014 09:46 AM

He just texted "It appears you have already protected yourself moneywise. You thought after knowing me for 30 years I would hurt you and our sons about money. You think any woman can boss me?"

Jesus....of course I think a woman can boss him. He destroyed our marriage for her. Sins of the Father...I texted exactly what you said. Thank you. I couldn't put it in to words.

He says other woman back with her spouse. So thenI want to know am I sloppy seconds? And why do I feel the need so badly to know who it is? Im trying to get into our Verizon accout but password is screwed up.

StillStanding1 posted 1/27/2014 10:02 AM

((((huskers))))

So sorry you are going through this.... I am glad you found this site right away, because you will get wonderful advice and support here. All of our stories are a little different, yet there are so many similarities too. The longer I'm here, the more I understand how the advice given here really works! I found it many months after Dday and my WH had moved out. I wish I had done things differently.

Believe me and the others: The WS really needs to hit rock bottom and understand what they have to lose before they will honestly try to fix themselves. Without that realization, they will give the bare minimum to R and it will just prolong your pain. The bandaid needs to come off... pull it fast or pull it slow... just depends.

When they finally decide to do the work necessary, you will know it. I "heard" that... I just finally experienced it.

Concentrate on taking care of you. Listen to the veterans here -- they give awesome advice.

This is a long slow painful process. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Keep doing what you need to do to protect yourself. He's insulted that you don't trust him financially when he proved he wasn't trustworthy with your marriage??? He's still not understanding the full impact of what he's done. Don't worry about him. Concentrate on you and your sons. He'll need to decide how badly he wants to make this work and then show you that he is willing to do everything in his power to do just that.

Hang in there. It's quite a ride.....

huskers posted 1/27/2014 10:12 AM

StillStanding...what would you have done differently?

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