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What does do the work mean?

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lostmymind13 posted 1/25/2014 20:23 PM

So. I am currently going to Intensive Outpatient Therapy. I attend AA meeting four times a week or more. We are going to Marriage Counseling twice a week and I have just started Individual Counseling. My wife and many of SIers say I am not "doing" the work. What work should I be doing that I am not?

rekindle posted 1/25/2014 20:59 PM

Have you established a NC with the OW, written a 100% truthful timeline of events for your BW, communicated your sincere remorse, guilt, countless apologies, revelation, desire to change, promises to never commit betrayal again? These are some of the things I've heard from SIers from my short time here. Also remember to be compassionate during your BW's pain, be available to her 24/7, offer to talk about anything, do not be argumentative or give attitude. Be understanding, loving, and trustworthy. Those are the things that will help the healing process.

JustWow posted 1/25/2014 21:07 PM

Are you going to all those excellent resources and simply putting in your time, filling a seat, just going? Or are you following up what you learn in therapy and applying the ideas to your areas you need to fix? Are you doing your homework? Embracing your recovery with self driven effort or are you just going there?

The work isn't necessarily going to counseling, it is bringing what you learn there home and integrating it into your daily life.

Steppenwolf posted 1/25/2014 23:30 PM

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of things. Maybe focus on a little bit at a time. Posting more on this forum is a great way to keep you focused. Why not share your story? I'm sure there are many who can relate.
I joined AA directly after Our post false R DDay. I'm sure you've figured out that the 12 step program is full of "doing the work." Maybe you're not sharing enough and your wife isn't seeing evidence. IC is a must, and I'm sure you'll find quite a bit to work on there. Good luck.

mindbody posted 1/26/2014 06:57 AM

JustWow summed it up perfectly! WSO has read many, many articles believing he is and has done the work. The work is integrating and applying what he has read to his actions and thought processes every day.

For example, if conflict avoidance is a problem you need to work on, discuss it in therapy, read about it, and learn. The real work is using that knowledge when a situation arises rather than falling back on your old habits. It's like taking drills for a sport, you must practice the skill to get better at it.

Everyday implement what you have learned when given the chance. Your wife will notice and see that you are doing the work.

Blobette posted 1/26/2014 08:22 AM

Ditto re filling the seat. Are you really starting to understand why you did this fucked up thing? Not just superficial answers, but answers that really connect to deep stuff inside of you. Sure affairs are fun, sure you could, etc. But --WHY?

And are you starting to give up the wayward mind-set? The knee-jerk selfishness? The defensiveness? The anger when confronted (alternatively, shutting down and avoiding discussion)? Most importantly, are you able to see your BS's POV and start to put her first? Are you able to anticipate triggers, comfort her when she does trigger? Do you apologize for the pain you've caused her? Are you trying to win her back?

To me, the big things are humility - accepting that you thought you knew what you were doing, but, in fact, you're messed up and need to address that -- and empathy -- really seeing and feeling how your actions have affected your BW.

Apologies if this is too 2x4 ish. I don't know your history. I hope this is helpful.

lostmymind13 posted 1/26/2014 20:52 PM

JustWow,you may have hit the nail on the head. I think I am trying very hard to put into action all of the advice that I am receiving from all of the sources. I am struggling after a short time when BS is throwing the affair back at me. Thanks for everyone's help. I need to really buckle down and put into action everything I am learning. I remember that my BS is grieving and this is all going to take time.

Trying4change posted 1/26/2014 21:48 PM

I can relate we have to take initiative in our actions and understand what we need to do, i have faced this my self and asked what i need to do also. keep strong and think of it as enough will never be enough in a positive way if that makes sense. I tell my self i don't want it to be just enough because my BS she deserves more. Keep doing the counseling and keep up the work.

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