The work isn't necessarily going to counseling, it is bringing what you learn there home and integrating it into your daily life.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
For example, if conflict avoidance is a problem you need to work on, discuss it in therapy, read about it, and learn. The real work is using that knowledge when a situation arises rather than falling back on your old habits. It's like taking drills for a sport, you must practice the skill to get better at it.
Everyday implement what you have learned when given the chance. Your wife will notice and see that you are doing the work.
And are you starting to give up the wayward mind-set? The knee-jerk selfishness? The defensiveness? The anger when confronted (alternatively, shutting down and avoiding discussion)? Most importantly, are you able to see your BS's POV and start to put her first? Are you able to anticipate triggers, comfort her when she does trigger? Do you apologize for the pain you've caused her? Are you trying to win her back?
To me, the big things are humility - accepting that you thought you knew what you were doing, but, in fact, you're messed up and need to address that -- and empathy -- really seeing and feeling how your actions have affected your BW.
Apologies if this is too 2x4 ish. I don't know your history. I hope this is helpful.