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aigalost posted 1/25/2014 22:17 PM

I have been crying buckets for 2 days. I have never posted on the internet before but I am very confused and need anyone's feedback quickly please. i am posting my story because I couldn't find anything on the message boards that closely resembled my own story. here it. The bank called to verify a suspicious purchase on my husband's account. We have a joint account but he opened a personal account years ago - it bothered me at first but I have not thought about the personal account in years. I normally would not access his personal information but since he was out of town and I worried that his info had been stolen I gave all the necessary info to check the purchases. The first one was a very large charge at a luxury purse store. I knew this was for me because I have been eyeing the purse for months, but I knew it was supposed to be a surprise so I verified the purchase and thought that would be it. But then the automated system asked me to verify a charge at a Asian massage parlor last week. My husband said nothing about a massage and does not regularly get massages. I freaked out and called him. He said he went there during his lunch break for a legit massage but hid it from me because he thought if he told me he got a massage I would not trust him. he knows that is not true. I am not averse to normal massages and we belong to a gym which (although slightly more expensive) he could have gotten a massage at. he has had. Bottom line I don't believe him. The parlor is listed on places advertising happy endings - but it is not in a total unfamiliar seedy part of town but it is open late. I went there after talking to him and it is covered in heavy drapes with a dark private entry. You can tell from the outside what type of place it is. He keeps saying that he is sorry but he did nothing more than a massage. we were in counseling years ago for flirting on his part and lying about co-worker lunches. He once sent an e-mail I found that offered a girl he knew from college a massage. He also lied about having lunch with a co-worker but I happened to see his car outside the restaurant. He has always denied cheating endlessly. But he has told lots of lies and been in questionable circumstances before. Years ago I decided that I would have to choose to trust him and not look into his actions if our marriage would survive. A man who wants to cheat will find a way and he has unusual work hours, is a highly paid computer expert, and I know he could hide evidence from me easily. But I made that decision for my kids. If I had my way 3 years ago after the email I would have left. I just figured then that eventually a cheating man will get caught and I would focus on my family and myself until that day came - but I of course hoped it would never happen and in the past three years we had another child and I have fallen even more deeply in love with him. So this still came as a total shock. Is he lying? Did he get a happy ending? Does it even matter - because I feel he betrayed me either way. He says he did nothing wrong but in his apologies he keeps saying that he would never hurt me like he did before and he loves me more than he ever has - but he also said that he didn't used to really care about me but when our last child and I almost died in childbirth he felt differently - but this just makes me question him more - he said he loved me and denied wrong doing the last time - now he is saying he didn't love me then but he does now? - even though I was willing to leave him before I have always loved him. I honestly don't know ANYONE close to me who has gotten a divorce - both our families are very religious. I can't imagine telling my kids we were getting a divorce. Lastly he was sexually abused by a family friend when he was young but he never has talked about it except to tell me it happened once when we were dating and I snooped into his journal and read about it. Sorry this is so long. Do you think he is cheating? I asked him to got to counseling again and he said yes - but I know he doesn't want to and could just be saying that hoping I won't follow through.

aigalost posted 1/25/2014 22:28 PM

Also - I have always felt since the last counseling session that I never really found out the whole truth - we stopped the counseling pretty early on and before I felt we should but he talked me into not going back. But - without proof I just kept pushing the suspicions aside. Now this massage parlor thing has opened the flood gates.

brkn_heartd posted 1/25/2014 22:57 PM

First, off welcome. There is a lot of wisdom and strength on this side. Unfortunately, there are many red flags in your story to me. I believe there is much more to your husband's story. I also believe he did go to that massage parlor knowing exactly about the happy ending. It sounds like he has been acting out in many ways.

If he is really "sorry" and you want to reconcile, you need to develop a plan. What is it that you need him to do for you to continue to be married. The first thing, I would do is demand full transparency. For example...full and immediate access to his personal account. Full and immediate access to all of his computer accounts, telephone(s), etc. You are to get all of his passwords. If he does not immediately give it he is hiding and will try to clean the accounts up/out. That will tell you a tremendous amount. I would also recommend deciding prior to requesting this to decide what your consequence if/when he fails to provide you access.

He is trying to use what has worked before in the past. As long as you let him get away with it, he will. I understand Divorce is not something that you want, sometimes you have to be willing to go that far to save your marriage.

Hugs to you.

aigalost posted 1/26/2014 00:05 AM

Thank you. I think I did the bury my head in the sand routine for years - but I am a busy mom with a teaching job and I just found it easier to swallow my fears. It surprised even me that I could swallow it until it stopped hurting and then move on like nothing - I am even tempted to go that route now - it's just so much easier to ignore it. But I know if we don't address it this time to my satisfaction it will keep bubbling up. Part of why I have gotten so good at ignoring things that worry me about his behavior is because from the second we got married if I made him mad he would scream, throw things, give the silent treatment for days - and I just finally gave up fighting with him. But the reason we stopped counseling the first time is because he finally started to communicate at all. Prior to that it was like being married to a brick wall for 8 years. I was so happy that I could have a coherent conversation with him about anything upsetting that I just wanted to keep the peace and make sure he stayed happy. It's been like that for 4 years and we have been very happy but we never discuss any fears I have about his truthfulness. He is an excellent father and good provider and the hardest working person I know. His lies and my lack of trust is our only issue - laughable I know - that's like saying - I have such an amazing car - but it doesn't run.

SadInNC posted 1/26/2014 09:53 AM

My husband has some of the same traits as your husband. I've been married to him for 27 years. He lies about stupid things sometimes and in the past I've ignored it at times when they are non issues to me. My husband also has a bad temper when I confront him about things and it causes me to NOT confront him at times. Yes, it easier to ignore. That is what they're banking on. That's why they explode! They know we will back down. Also, anger is a cover up for guilt.

Now that I found out he had an A, I can and will not ignore anything anymore. I was very busy at the time of his affair. Now, our youngest child is a freshman in high school. Soon, it will be just the two of us. Retired, old people. I need, want and deserve to be with a man who communicates with me, supports me, doesn't lie or cheat and doesn't blow up at me when I have fears or doubts. I'm not sure if my husband is that man at this point but I no longer want to ignore things anymore. I want to face them and find the truth and it HURTS. It hurts a lot. So, whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

aigalost posted 1/26/2014 10:17 AM

Did you get your husband to admit to the affair? If so how? I can't seem to break him and cause him to confess no matter what I say - but I also have no proof. I made a key mistake in telling him that I knew about the massage parlor before he got back from his trip - so by now he has deleted any evidence on his phone- not that there would be - he has been deleting texts and emails for years. I did demand his passwords and there is nothing on his bank statement showing he goes to this massage place often but he has access to cash without my knowing . He also gave me a false password to one of his email accounts the first time I asked - he left out the second part - he said he forgot - whatever - then he gave me the real one about 10 min later but by then he could have deleted everything. If it were just me I would just give up and separate but I feel like I can't get a divorce based on a hunch and destroy my kids family with no proof

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/26/2014 10:21 AM

This is just horrible and gut wrenching for you. Let the tears out but be sure to take care of your basic small amounts & lots of rest.

I found out about my exH's activities in the exact same way as you and unfortunately like others have stated there is more to the story.

So please consult with an attorney to know your options and watch his activities closely now. Read the 180 and other articles in the healing library. Reach out here with all your concerns...everyone is here to help you through this. Don't make any decisions just yet...take all the time you need. My thoughts are with you.

aigalost posted 1/26/2014 10:30 AM

I haven't eaten or slept in 2 days - I slept for about 4 total hours on and off over two days and I've only had water - and I know it's making me mentally worse but he is still not home for me to talk this through with.

knutz posted 1/26/2014 11:02 AM

Welcome Aigalost. I am so sorry about your situation. My situation is exactly as yours. Asian massage parlors. I found out 4 years ago. Been married 21 years. My husband had secret credit cards to pay for everything, or paid in cash.

I am still married. It has been a horrible roller coaster ride over the last four years. You need to prepare yourself that this may be the tip of the iceberg. I hope it is not.

I know you want to believe him, but it sounds like he is not being truthful with you. I am so sorry. You saw the place. You know what goes on there. Legit massage places don't look like that.

There was another thread started last week about this. Go to page two on this forum and look for "Asian massage parlors" and start there. There are lots of us here. You are not alone.

Please try to hydrate yourself. Try to eat anything you can keep down. The first 6 weeks I went from a size 10 to a ZERO -- survived by eating nuts & eggs. Your kids need you.

Please PM me anytime.

SadInNC posted 1/26/2014 12:56 PM

My husband never freely admitted the A to me. I found out by accident when I was on his Facebook page and saw a few old private maessages that he never erased. The were from 2010. I had NO IDEA that my husband was doing this. Reading him saying words like, "babe" and "sweetie" to another woman totally floored me. I had to print those messages out and throw them in his face as proof. He never, ever would have admitted it without that proof. He also lied about details saying they never had sex when he went to Florida on that weekend trip. After much interrogating and me having to contact her, he finally admitted to having sex. Then he lied about the length of time they carried on the EA after the weekend PA. So, getting the truth may never happen. Or it is TT and I hate it. Last night, I kicked him out of our bedroom yet again because I still felt like he was holding back information. This morning, he literally got on his knees and expressed his love and remorse. It is such a hard road to travel. I know he loves me. I know I love him. I know he has lied and cheated. I don't trust him.

You need proof. Period. If your husband is anything like mine, he will never admit to anything unless you have solid proof. He will look you in the eye when he gets home and lie to your face because he is so afraid of "getting caught." It sounds like he knows how to cover his tracks, too. When I first found out, I told my husband that we were switching cell phones for an undetermined amount of time and I switched them IMMEDIATLY. I didn't give him any chance to warn friends that this was happening or to get phone numbers that he thought he would need. He was not a happy camper but he agreed. I kept his phone for 3 days. I gave him the numbers that I knew he needed for business and that was it. Luckily, I received no shady texts while I had his phone and I was really thankful for that. I've gone onto Sprint and blocked certain numbers from voice and text from his phone. I go onto Sprint every few days and check his call log. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to check his texts. But, I was able to control which phone numbers he is allowed to send and receive texts to. I hate that I felt the need to do this but it's what I have to do right now because he killed my trust in him. You need to get the proof somehow. You can follow him or hire someone to get the info. Sounds drastic and it sucks. I am soooo sorry for you. Please let me know what happens and how you are doing.

You have to eat. Really. Go eat something now. Also, I had to go to the doctor because after a few weeks into this crap, I started getting panic attacks. Don't hesitate to go to the doctor if you feel like you need to be on meds temporarily. Don't hurt yourself or him! I hit my husband a few times and now I know that it was a huge mistake. He could have called the cops and I would have been in really big trouble. So, don't let your anger take you there. Please, keep posting. We are here for you!

aigalost posted 1/26/2014 15:23 PM

Everyone here is so wonderful. You are all going through your own nightmares and are still willing to be there for other people. Truly amazing. You have all been such a blessing in my life right now. Contemplated taking many sleeping pills last night to get a break from the thoughts in my head but didn't because I thought of you people and figured if you could do this so could I. Still exhausted and he won't be back till tomorrow. The only thing I can think of to get proof is to lie and say the massage parlor showed me how much he tipped. But they actually didn't. I'm hoping he will think I know and give the amount and based on that #-I will know. I tried to bribe the massage parlor lady with $100 to show me their sign in sheets for the day- stupid I know -she wouldn't but I did see this binder paper she pulled out with the time he came in and who massaged him. I was hoping to see that he used a fake name but never got the evidence. But seeing how she wanted the $ - and the fact that they don't keep real records - just notes on a binder paper proved what kind of place it is. When I asked for names she said no- maybe because she doesn't have it - but she seemed like she did. Another lady came in when we were talking and that's when she clamed up. I'll keep everyone posted but searching for evidence is exhausting and massively painful. Still can't eat. I've lost 5 lbs in 2 and a half days - I'll try to eat and sleep - the stories of massive weight loss scare me. Thank you for the phone switch idea- that's a great idea.

SadInNC posted 1/26/2014 20:36 PM

At one point I tried to use the "bluff" as proof of something and it didn't work. Take your time. Breath. Don't freak out with false proof because it will trigger his anger and you will get nowhere fast. You have all the time in the world. He is coming home tomorrow. You aren't going to solve this tomorrow. Confront him with what you have but don't make stuff up. I'm just afraid that you are too weak right now. You haven't been eating or sleeping! How are you going to handle an angry husband who has been eating and sleeping and has his wits about him and is on to you. He knows that you know something. This is just a warning to be smart and cautious. Almost impossible, I know, when feelings are so raw. I will be thinking of you.

knutz posted 1/26/2014 22:47 PM

My advice for now is to put a key logger on his computer if you can. I did. Went through a company called Webwatcher. They also have programs for phones. (Mods -- if I am overstepping by giving out "investigative tips here I apologize).

If you get incriminating info -- DO NOT reveal your sources. Ever. I cannot stress this enough. Make copies of everything and put in a safe place. Even if you reconcile -- never tell.

You could also ask him permission to run a credit check on him (you cannot legally do it without his permission). Then you will see if he has credit cards you don't know about, or outstanding loans (mine had his secret credit card bills sent to his work address AND took out a secret $20,000 loan to fund his habit). You will know right away if he is hiding financial info by his reaction to this.

Start following the money. ATM withdrawals especially. Mine used cash for most encounters. ATM withdrawals 200 at a time. I trusted him. I never looked at the monthly statement. Cross check the large withdrawals with your date book. Were you out of town, at a school function?

I hope you are eating. You MUST.

seriouslylostit posted 1/27/2014 00:44 AM

Don't know if this was mentioned but how much was the charge? Call yourself to find out how much a massage for you would be ... What's the price difference?

Get a guy to call from your H's phone to report the place to the cops ... Your WH will have a lot of explaining to do. Yes, I am a bitch.

SadInNC posted 1/27/2014 18:04 PM

aigalost, how are you? I've been thinking about you today. While I was at work, I signed on to this site just to check to see if you had posted. I hope you are ok. I said a prayer for you. Just want you to know that you have people out here who care!!!

yearsofpain25 posted 1/27/2014 18:09 PM

Same here. I may not be posting but I'm listening. Sorry you are here. Wishing you all the strength in the world to get you through this.

knutz posted 1/27/2014 19:11 PM

Please let us know you are OK. You can PM one of us if you don't want to post something. We are all still here . . .

Nitrobob posted 1/27/2014 19:40 PM

They typically have a basic charge of 40 to 60 depending on city or suburbs for a legitimate massage. When its over they do a verbal dance to see if you want more in case you are a cop. Hand jobs/ oral/ intercourse go for 40 /60/100 more. At some places they send in a real masseuse first, and at the end she introduces a different girl for the sex. That girl is hot, the masseuse isn't. That way they husband their resources. Some men do get legitimate massages though..I did. She walked on my back and it hurt like hell! I would assume, however, he got sex. It's probably better than an affair. No emotion. The girls don't speak English typically, and I suspect many are duped into the business, a sad situation to take advantage of if you are a man.

Lcurdog posted 1/28/2014 13:44 PM

Aigolost, I'm the thread Asian massage parlors. If he is going to asian massage it's for happy endings! My life is upside down right now. I have been married for 29 year. My husband stumbled apon this dark and sick world. It's easy for them as there is no commitment. They walk in pay the house and pay an extra tip for the hand job. Thankfully my nightmare stops at the hand job. Some places offer full sex. Take care of your self first. You did nothing to push this man to asian massage. I can't even get a pedicure right now because i look at the girl and think hey does she moon light in a massage parlor.Keep posting and reading this site has made me realize I do love my husband and he is being totally accountable for all of this

aigalost posted 1/28/2014 18:24 PM

Update: thank you so much for the continued support and kindness. Your prayers and concern are amazing. I don't have much to tell - he got home last night and we didn't talk much about it. I want to reassure everyone that we have moved beyond the crazy anger spot years ago so I am in no danger of having him flip out on me or me lose it and hit him or anything. we just don't go to the angry spot anymore. Last night he told me he loved me and he would never do that and then we spent anout an hour in bed - not talking - and although I still need to ask more questions - I didnt feel last night was a good time to ask. One thing about us that probably should make me feel better is whenever we are apart from each other we cant keep our hands off each other. So we do have alot of sexual chemistry and he said last night - "I have great sex at home - why would I pay for it?" But my conern is not that he would go to massage parlors because he is starved for attention - its that he could be a sex addict. So no matter how compatible we are - he still might want it. he had many many girlfriends before we married and one counselor told him he was a sex addict in college - but that was at BYU - all people who ever have sex before marriage would ne considered sex addicts to them. I know he is an amazing father and he loves me and IF this happened it's not about me - its about his issues and his childhood - of course that doesn't make it okay. It's hard because when I am around him I am certain he got a legit massage. But when he is not around - work or whatever - I question it like crazy. It's not really fair to ask him to constantly reassure me - but that is in the space I am right now - if it happened I would love for him to admit it and then I can move from this questioning place. But he still firmly denies it. Still going to schedule counseling. I would love to hear from men about how men lie or at what point they cave. If he has held out this long patiently reassuring me - should I question it more or less? Is emotional appeal ever effective?

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