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Remone posted 1/26/2014 01:50 AM

Hi all,
Just posted my story on my profile. It has been seven months and today is so hard. How do I do this? My wife thinks I am not remorseful and sometimes I say the stupidest things which makes me wonder too. How do you get in touch with your feelings and share them when this has not been the case for 40 years? How do I know what my feelings are? How do I express them? When can I, or do I not? When I do I say something totally wrong which hurts my BS and then I feel stuck. She's hurt and crying but how can I comfort her?

Deeply Scared posted 1/26/2014 07:59 AM

Remone...

I think the bigger question here is what *have* you been doing? Are you in MC? Have you actively supported your wife when she's triggering? Have you been 100%, completely honest with any questions she's asked of you?

When you start working at this with an open heart, your feelings will come to the surface. And then that's when the deeper ability to share with each other can start to happen.

Remone posted 1/26/2014 08:47 AM

Thanks Deeply,
To answer your questions we tried MC but it was a traumatic experience for us, the counsellor was not supportive of my BS at all. I think that has scared us off of trying again, but perhaps it is time to try again. As for actively supporting her through triggers and answering her questions honestly I'd say yes I do. We spend hours together everyday talking and listening to eachother. But to be honest my ability to do this well is greatly affected by outside stresses. We have four daughters and work etc. juggling all of these things and then to be accused of not doing everything 100% right all the time does make me feel defensive. I know as I'm typing this I can expect a 2x4.

Deeply Scared posted 1/26/2014 09:33 AM

Remone...

If MC didn't work out, there are other tools you can use. Read Aftertheaffair.net...it's a very easy read written for the WS and is about $10.00 to download.

I know it's hard to not feel defensive...just count to 10 and take a deep breath when you feel your blood pressure rising. I promise that will help settle the anxiety down some. Certainly not a cure, but it will help to not let things escalate into a fight.

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