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Reconciliation or not? Where am I.

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neverwantedaWW posted 1/26/2014 03:05 AM

After 1 couples councilor that I found, and did 15 visits and after meeting with my WW IC 5 times and after more than 2 years since DD, is it too late to 180? WW therapist tells me WW needs you to tell her you forgive her. I almost shit when I heard those words. Forgive for what? Tell me the full story I say. See my story in my profile. We, well, WW is so stuck. She is stuck on telling the truth, or even starting an A conversation. I'm am so in the delayed anger stage. Maybe I'm not. Never felt with this before. When is enough enough? When will she truly understand this is what
I need to truly recover? I discovered EA. On DD asked about a PA. Got typical no, no, no. Then got we only kissed, long story short they only had sex 5 times. According to WW. I have 100 percent from day, told her she has to put out all her cards on the table. AKA tell me the complete story. Did this in CC and in her IC . I have only gotten what I have had to drag out if her. Sent her Joseph's letter and other articles and posts from SI. CC no longer, now just in her IC. Feel like I'm getting ganged up on. Hope I am posting in the right forum. 180? How at this stage?

mike7 posted 1/26/2014 06:42 AM

Just tell the counselor and your wife, together if need be, that you are open to forgiving her once you've heard the whole story. This should be apparent since you are in fact still with her.

But be adamant. Tell them there is no way you can give a blanket "forgiveness." That's all you ask. You need to know the whole story. Until she comes up with it, it isn't possible.

Throw the ball back in their court. All you are asking for is honesty. If she can't provide that, why should you provide forgiveness?

wifehad5 posted 1/26/2014 07:56 AM

How can they expect you to forgive when you don't know what you're forgiving?

Monsterslayer posted 1/26/2014 08:21 AM

I needed to know the depth of betrayal before I could forgive. My FWW gave TT for almost a year but then came clean of her own choice. I had stopped asking questions because I knew she would not answer. That she came clean on her own, unasked was important for me.

Now when I ask her why she volunteered total disclosure when she did, she says that she needed to feel that I wouldn't punish her for it before she could tell me. She needed to put it all on the table because it was exhausting remembering what she had told the truth about and what she lied about. Once she told the whole truth she claimed that a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders.

For me, after I came to terms with this new information, my need to ask questions faded. She haven't necessarily answered all my questions but she did volunteer much information I had no way of knowing...

tooanalytical posted 1/26/2014 08:41 AM

If she won't truthfully provide what you ask, how can you rebuild trust? If you cannot rebuild trust, then you certainly will never achieve true intimacy with her. Why would you want to be marriage without intimacy? 180 - yes, start D paperwork -yes,change IC - yes, knock her off the fence - yes. It is the only chance to get a real M back with her. Sounds like she is rug sweeping.

neverwantedaWW posted 1/26/2014 15:26 PM

Thanks everyone for you ideas. Just feel like we should be a lot further along in our R.

JustWow posted 1/26/2014 16:34 PM

Will she do a poly to close the door on the trickle truth question?

See, if she is still lying, manipulating, and covering her backside, then you aren't farther along in your R because you are not in R at all.

R doesn't stand for rugsweeping, which is what her IC seems to be suggesting (Did this therapist actually say this directly to you? Or did your W relay the message? If this was truly from the therapist's lips, I'd be getting a new one).

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