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hopeless66 posted 1/26/2014 05:08 AM

Today my BH has told me that this week he is going to see a solicitor about divorce.
I know I have forced him down this road that he has not wanted to go, I haven’t either but my lack of doing the right thing (being open & honest) has caused this.
dday was in 2010 I had an affair, but instead of coming clean there and then I have tt’d and lied and flip flopped from lies to truth and back again. I know I deserve this, but it is still a shock. I have worked on finding out why I am like I am, but I have always found it hard to discuss and talk about issues. I have also been the kind of person that when things are going smooth I don’t like to rock the boat. Now I have left it too late, I have lost his trust, and all he sees is a horrible person, that he has given up on.
After Christmas I finally told the truth, but I don’t know how to fix this mess.
Any suggestions please?

Deeply Scared posted 1/26/2014 08:02 AM

Hopeless...

In reality your D-day wasn't in 2010. It was just a few weeks ago because that's when you say all the lies were fully exposed, so really, you're starting all over again and so is your H.

And just because he's looking at his options regarding divorce doesn't mean he'll actually follow through with it. Have you asked him about going to marriage counseling?

I'm sorry you're struggling...I know it can be really scary.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/26/2014 08:32 AM

Unfortunately Trickle Truth is so common. Look around, there are several posts about it. What's more unfortunate is that no matter how much a WS reads about TT, we sometimes need to hit that rock bottom before understanding the impact of it.

As a WW I have also been guilty of TT, pushing too far. My rock bottom was when I had lied about something that in the grand scheme of things wasn't going to end my M, but because I chose to lie about it, my BH had decided he done. Mind you, it wasn't the only lie, but the culmination of several. And despite reading about TT and the effects of it, I continued to do it. After him begging me to tell him the absolute truth, I continued to do it. After him telling me there was only so much he could take before he was through, I still continued to do it. Looking back, it seems crazy now. Why wouldn't I just tell him everything? It caused a lot of damage. And then finally he was done.

For me, that day was the worst day of my life. Worse than DDay (as I had no idea what I was doing then). I also believe that was the first time my BH was able to see some real, very raw emotion from me. I was devastated and desperate. I tried bargaining with him. What could I do to prove to him how much I wanted to make us work? Much like you, I came here seeking advice. I was told to write a timeline. I worked diligently all weekend long knowing that by Monday morning he would be calling lawyers. The timeline turned into more of a story including my feelings and thoughts throughout the process. It turned into a confessional that he could do whatever he wanted with. He read it and it was painful for him. But it was the first time he had felt that I was trying to take steps to be honest and open with him.

The timeline didn't fix everything. There were still many unanswered questions. We ended up following the timeline with a lie detector test. He had written a post that day while waiting for me to come out of the office and get the results that he wasn't trying to catch me in another lie, but rather trying to catch me in a truth. Which he was finally able to do. But it took a lot of heartache to get there. It also took a lot of IC and MC for me to finally learn to be vulnerable and learn to take responsibility for my actions. It took hours, days, weeks, years of the two of us talking, arguing, and crying. I am happy to say that we are still here today.

If you really want to try to save your M, you can't be afraid to rock the boat. You need to demonstrate how important he is to you. You need to have the courage to initiate that process no matter what the outcome.

I wish you much luck and strength.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 8:36 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]

hopeless66 posted 1/26/2014 09:37 AM

Thank you Deeply Scared & WalkinOnEggshelz.

I admit I have a hard time being open, and because I have lied so much feel that he wont want to hear me anyway. I have read about doing a timeline, but not sure how to go about doing this or where to start,it might just be me not thinking straight. I have tried IC but I didn't have the right one, I would like us to have MC but my BH is not happy with the idea as he feels that I would only lie.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/26/2014 10:00 AM

I have read about doing a timeline, but not sure how to go about doing this or where to start

Start from the beginning. How did you meet the OM? What was going on at that time. What were you telling yourself to make it ok to continue contact with the OM? How did it all progress? Dig for dates and specific contacts. Then just start writing. Let it all come out.

Some people do timelines with dates and events only. Mine consisted of thoughts and feelings as well. It's up to you how you want to go about it. Maybe talk with your BH to see what would be helpful for him.

But in the end, it's important to be honest with the information. Even if your husband isn't responsive to it, it can be very cathartic for yourself. Writing a timeline won't be easy. But the best place to start is to be honest with yourself.

astudentoflife posted 1/26/2014 10:06 AM

You have one thing you can do at this point if you want to try to save your marriage.

Get honest with him. Stop wringing your hands as everything slips away from you and take action. Take the time to find another IC, the right one, and go. Sit down and write out the timeline, there are many many resources on here on how that is done. Hold nothing back and don't be cruel in how you tell the truth, make sure there is not an inkling of giving your AP any sympathy, compassion or any type of emotional attachment. Do things exactly as your husband has says he needs them to be. Transparency, openess, even a need for his space.

It is scary when we see the end results of our actions. I feel for you, we know what it is like. The who you are right at this moment is the same person who betrayed your husband and he knows that. Change it.

hopeless66 posted 1/26/2014 10:41 AM

Thanks, I will let you know how it goes.