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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: Old vs. accepting you may be on your own...
dignityintact
♀ 32558
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've been trying the OLD…and basically it sucks! I have yet to met a decent, honest man. I got played big time at the end of last year, and it's really knocked me back.
I joined Match a few weeks, ago, but the men are all so insipid, and wishy washy - they show initial interest, and then disappear…I can appreciate they may be seeing others, but have the balls to be upfront about it all.

Anyway, I'm now wondering if OLD is just too stressful, and should I come to terms with the fact that I will probably be on my own for the future?? I think I've given it a good go, but sadly the men I encounter always have a different agenda.

How do those of you not with SO or trying OLD cope?? I really miss having a male companion. I'm very independent, and lived on my own for over 3 years…I'm fully healed after the xh, so that is not a problem. I do keep busy, I work, I run, I'm studying and raising kids….but having that person to love & love me back is missing….

appreciate any advice


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how old you are, but I believe I have an advantage in being well past menopause.

Men-on-pause I'm calling it.

I met one guy on OLD a couple of years ago and he was nice enough, but when he showed up it was fairly obvious that he had completely misrepresented his physical condition with old pictures.

We had a coffee date and went on a picnic, but then my mom went into the nursing home and I just checked out.

I would not have continued dating him anyway because he belonged to a rugby club and his FB was mostly questionable women dropping innuendoes all over the place, and a week or so after I bailed, he posted pics of a *naked* gal in the woods at the remote cabin where he'd been living.

That was my one and only foray.

Since then I've managed to come to terms with being alone. I've had plenty of lovers in my life over the years, and I reckon it's quite possible I've just hit my quota.

The whole dating dance is foreign to me as a child of the seventies, so I just leave it to fate now. If someone crosses paths with me and we hit it off, great. If not, great too! I'm happy with my life as it is.

I know I'm in the minority, but I'm grateful not to be struggling with that urge anymore.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17796 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
finallymefirst
♀ 41060
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my ex during my last year of college and I had only been out of a long term relationship for less than a year. I believe that I rushed into the relationship with my ex. I don't want to do that again. I am willing to wait for the right guy. I am also getting to a point of accepting that I might be alone for a long time or maybe forever. However, I would love to have a love affair and be in love again, even if it doesn't last. I would love to experience those feelings again.

I don't really have advice, but I am making a conscious effort to enjoy wherever I am in life, single or in a relationship. I don't believe I enjoyed being married as much as I should have. I really like being single and I'm trying to focus on all the positives.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
dignityintact
♀ 32558
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 43

Wow, Faithfool, to just have a few exciting lovers would be good - even that doesn't happen


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that was back in the day, before 22 years of marriage LOL. Not much action going on these days.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17796 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it has to be OLD or nothing, does it? At least I hope not.

I tried OLD very briefly about a year ago...not my style.

Just living life, riding the bus, trying to enjoy the scenery. I think that I've accepted that my awesomeness cannot be conveyed on OLD and I'll have to go about it the old fashioned way.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4835 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my awesomeness cannot be conveyed on OLD

THIS! ^^^


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17796 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with tesla.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Harriet
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm riding the bus, too, and it would be nice to meet someone worth getting off. *no pun intended*

What I don't understand is how my ex can get so many women...his latest addition is almost 20 years younger (I never thought he would do that!). He has women coming out of his ying-yang. How does he meet so many? How does he pull them all in? Why don't I have any of that mojo?

I guess he works where he is surrounded by people...he's extrememly handsome, Yale graduate, big salary, very extroverted...

Still. I can't even seem to meet one guy. He's seeing at least 4 women. Pisses me off.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
notmeanymore
♀ 9772
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just recently closed my OLD account. I found it depressing even though I know there are good guys out there...somewhere.

I feel like I've gotten to the point that I can't imagine meeting someone who I'll want to clean my house for, or shave my legs.

I like doing my own thing. But yeah, there are times I miss that special companionship. But then again, all my past relationships have kinda sucked so I don't even miss anything I've ever really experienced first hand.

I have tried to accept that it just may not happen for me. People try to say it will, but there's no guarantee. And I want to have lived a kick ass life regardless. So I'm making plans and none of them include a SO.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 877 | Registered: Feb 2006
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sowed my oats when I was young & single. I just don't have a desire to date right now. I especially will not be getting OLD. The very idea of it is repulsive. Either I meet a man the old fashioned way or it's not happening.

But honestly I cannot envision myself with someone again. The thought of having to consider another adult's opinions or preferences is repulsive. I don't care what other people think anymore, and I don't want to do anything for anyone again. I don't want to have sex again, I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to hear someone else's burps or farts, I don't want to smell someone else, I don't want to share my life with anyone. Aside from platonic-only friendship, I just want to be left alone.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dignityintact
♀ 32558
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I'm really impressed by some of your replies!

I often tell myself a similar thing - friends always say why are you still on your own….I just don't know - I'm reasonably content, and as I said I keep busy….

I have to say, my experience with OLD so far has only shown me very strange and disturbed men - makes me a little nervous to consider sharing my tranquil space again with someone.


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for me that I'm just about done wrapping me head around the fact I will probably be by myself for the rest of my life.

I don't like it. I would like to be part of a couple but I'm OK with things being single.

I have a great life and good friends. I'm busy and I have animals that love me.

I'm not willing to give up my life as it is now just to be with someone. I'd rather be single than being with someone just so I'm not alone.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
phmh
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really trying to be OK with possibly being alone the rest of my life. But honestly, I'm not there. XWH was my only serious relationship since we got together when I was 20. I'm only 35 and fully healed now.

I wish I had some advice for you. I have a super full life on my own: great job, tons of friends, amazing family, interesting hobbies. When I don't think about it, I'm fine, but when I do start to think about it, it makes me sad.

I took a 6 month OLD hiatus last year, and that really helped. However, I think there was a part of me that thought I would meet someone during that time just in normal life.

The good news is that there have been guys who wanted to be with me, but it wasn't a good fit. I know if I ever got desperate, I could be with someone (and someone better than XWH was) but I'm just not willing to settle.

Anyway, no advice, just commiserating.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3538 | Registered: Dec 2011
risingfromashes
♀ 3903
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put my profile up on an OLD site. The matches were disgusting. 15 years older? Not when I am already 54!
I agree with Tesla. I do believe that I will find love just not like that. I am going to live my life and someone wonderful will be amazed that I am still available.
But I will never ever settle for mediocre just to be in a relationship!


There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1730 | Registered: Mar 2004
JerseyCowgirl
♀ 41441
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not even entertained the thought as my feelings are too raw yet.

I think Tesla has it right--old fashioned way to meet is probably the best way. Would feel to me like it was "more meant to be" than going out searching on the internet.

I just hope to get to the place the rest of you are--content to be alone--then I'll be good to go!


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 348 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't understand is how my ex can get so many women
Easy.. he's a snake charmer, and they are broken souls.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3564 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ISPIFFD
♀ 26367
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But honestly I cannot envision myself with someone again. The thought of having to consider another adult's opinions or preferences is repulsive. I don't care what other people think anymore, and I don't want to do anything for anyone again. I don't want to have sex again, I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to hear someone else's burps or farts, I don't want to smell someone else, I don't want to share my life with anyone. Aside from platonic-only friendship, I just want to be left alone.

^^^^ This! NatureGirl said it so much better than I could have. When my XH asked why I wasn't dating and I replied with an abbreviated version of this, he actually said, "That can't be. That means that somehow I might have been the cause!"

I wish I had more friends to spend time with or that I were physically closer to old friends so we could visit more often, but having an SO or another H? Ugh! Being alone is much more fulfilling.


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1907 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
justabrokendream
♀ 3075
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Nature girl said - too bad there isn't a "like" function........

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
thyme2go
♂ 12908
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious - why the angst and bitterness regarding companionship?

For the record - I enjoyed OLD while I was on it. I am rather reticent with communucation and very selective so maybe that is why.

However, it was not until I closed my profile that I met someone of interest to me.

Be brave.

-t2g


BH - no longer 49
3 DD's - (29, 25 and 18)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9201 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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