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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: She'll never know....
♀ 41661
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I am sorry for my part in the A.
That I tried to be her friend to prevent the A.
That I took the blame & didn't share info to try and help their reconciliation.
That I was genuine in my apology and attempts to work through it in our workplace.
That I did not stalk or harass her like she told people.
That I am not filled with hate, I wish I'd never hurt anyone, but know I did.
That I'm not NPD, just messed up with FOO.
That my BS and I are seeking help.
That I am a good person, who did a VERY bad thing.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. That sounds like a lot of pain coming out. Sorry you find yourself here.

Are you speaking of AP, or OBS? I assume it's not your BS as your R is mentioned as something she'll never know.

Again, sorry you're feeling so much pain.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 41661
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm talking about the OBS. I know she is hurting because of what happened and the fallout. I wish it had never happened, and I wish the fallout from it had gone down differently.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 34873
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have a lot of residual pain and remorse for the pain I caused OBS. I read a lot of the OW bashing posts in the General forum kind of as a self punishment. I finally had to stop because you're right, she'll never know. And really all you can do is to stay away from her life. She'll never know the struggles my BS and I have had and how we're reconciling and it's been so difficult yet so worth it. She'll never know that my BH and I are having another child and how we planned it and our marriage has never been better. She'll never know of the hours I spent in IC trying to figure it out. She'll never know I've cried with friends whose husbands are cheating on them. She'll never know how I think about her every day and wish I could take back what I've done. She only knows the worthless individual I portrayed. But I'm not that person and she'll never know. But that's ok. My BH husband knows I'm not the same person. I know I'm not the same person. My friends know. I am not that person any more. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up. Heaven knows I've spent days in bed depressed and feeling sorry for myself because of what I've done. But that's not me. Things aren't perfect. I still have sickening moments of sadness.

WW--me 28
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too hate the bashing of the OW in JFO. I get the venting, but it just seems to be so many easy names for the OW (or my WW) that don't exist for the OM. Some BSs do a better job than others focusing the blame laser on their WS.

I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter whether she knows or not. She is immaterial. Or... Are you doing the work for yourself or to prove something to someone else?

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS, and I think it is true that that the OBS is or should be largely immaterial to you, as you should be to the OBS. I guess you wish she really saw "you" instead of what you did to her? Yeah, that is tough stuff for a BS, but on the other hand, I do wish the OBS in our situation could talk to my H now -- so I get it.

However, I have am curious about the "tried to be her friend to prevent the A." Can you explain that? Because my husband's AP was a friend of both of us, and it certainly provided more access to him, made me feel preyed upon, and was really more of a problem and increased the sense of betrayal.

I do applaud all WSes here, OW and OM, doing the work and trying to be better people.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I tried to be her friend to prevent the A.

Umm...what? As if the A were somehow her fault, because she didn't befriend you?

Quit the pity party and focus on the only BS who matters. Your husband. Whether OBS thinks you're a psychotic stalker or merely a flawed human, is irrelevant.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

Posts: 1523 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: The First Coast
♀ 41661
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What I meant was I had a few lunches with her, took her a cooked meal when I knew she was having trouble with her little one. I wanted to know her so I didn't demonise her, blame her for a bad marriage and give OM an excuse. If I got to know her and see what a good person she was then I wouldn't do something to hurt her. I tried very hard after DDay to do what she needed in order to heal.

OM filled my head with rubbish about her.

It's not a pity party 20Wrongs and your words aren't helpful. I am truly sorry that I hurt someone. I am not upset that she didn't befriend me. She feels that I betrayed our friendship. I am sorry that I hurt her on two levels. I'm sorry that I didn't help her as a fellow parent, but instead stole some of her child's childhood from them both. Aren't we the WS supposed to be showing remorse?

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 41661
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong, I guess in posting this I'm reflecting on how much damage my choices inflicted. I'm owning the hurt I caused.

My BS and I are doing good, surprisingly good. I know OBS and OM are not. I wish I could take away some of the hurt (or all of it). It's not about redeeming myself in her eyes. If she needs to demonise me in order to heal, place all the blame on me to forgive her H then I will wear that.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should focus everything on your BS and worry less about them. In a round about way, I'm getting that you wish better for your AP.

Also, my exWW thought we were doing great two years after dday. Then she got served. Focus your focus.

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish the OW in our situation was remorseful. It might make it a little easier.

It's good that you feel this way as long as you have no expectations from her. I would imagine it would ease your guilt if you knew they were doing better but that's something you might have to let go of.

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel, it is a tough place to be in. When I ended my A I confronted my AP BW....I had tried texting her at one point to explain myself and apologize but didn't know at the time, AP deleted it so she couldn't see it.

I then texted her again a few days later and after texting back and forth a few times she called was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had.

Although I confessed to her and told her the truth about everything she chose to not believe me. AP told her I was blackmailing him and lying about everything and she bought it.

I have had NC with either of them since that day....I do know that they are still together, just built a brand new house, and are awaiting the birth of their second child.

It kills me that she thinks I am a psycho who made it all up, and I live with the guilt every single day. But that day she told me to stay away from her and her family....I have hurt her enough and caused so much damage, I can at least give her that.

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 39532
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:14 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
♀ 34080
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, your focus on what the OBS knows and well wishes for your AP's marriage is inappropriate and likely totally unwanted from the OBS. This lens won't really help you or your BS ... nor the others involved if that was what really should matter here.

Your guilt or remorse are yours to deal with and I understand you think that this expression of concern about the OBS and AP is owning your actions.

If you reread your first post you might see how it comes across as your motive is you don't want to be seen as a bad person. That should not be your focus and I see that you state you aren't looking for redemption from the OBS. However, your focus should be your actions...not your reputation.

I hope you can take the action to fill your soul as that is what will really make a difference.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 12:19 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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