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She'll never know....

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Noturfan posted 1/26/2014 14:21 PM

That I am sorry for my part in the A.
That I tried to be her friend to prevent the A.
That I took the blame & didn't share info to try and help their reconciliation.
That I was genuine in my apology and attempts to work through it in our workplace.
That I did not stalk or harass her like she told people.
That I am not filled with hate, I wish I'd never hurt anyone, but know I did.
That I'm not NPD, just messed up with FOO.
That my BS and I are seeking help.
That I am a good person, who did a VERY bad thing.

painfulpast posted 1/26/2014 14:27 PM

Hi. That sounds like a lot of pain coming out. Sorry you find yourself here.

Are you speaking of AP, or OBS? I assume it's not your BS as your R is mentioned as something she'll never know.

Again, sorry you're feeling so much pain.

Noturfan posted 1/26/2014 14:40 PM

I'm talking about the OBS. I know she is hurting because of what happened and the fallout. I wish it had never happened, and I wish the fallout from it had gone down differently.

cs2384 posted 1/26/2014 19:17 PM

I too have a lot of residual pain and remorse for the pain I caused OBS. I read a lot of the OW bashing posts in the General forum kind of as a self punishment. I finally had to stop because you're right, she'll never know. And really all you can do is to stay away from her life. She'll never know the struggles my BS and I have had and how we're reconciling and it's been so difficult yet so worth it. She'll never know that my BH and I are having another child and how we planned it and our marriage has never been better. She'll never know of the hours I spent in IC trying to figure it out. She'll never know I've cried with friends whose husbands are cheating on them. She'll never know how I think about her every day and wish I could take back what I've done. She only knows the worthless individual I portrayed. But I'm not that person and she'll never know. But that's ok. My BH husband knows I'm not the same person. I know I'm not the same person. My friends know. I am not that person any more. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up. Heaven knows I've spent days in bed depressed and feeling sorry for myself because of what I've done. But that's not me. Things aren't perfect. I still have sickening moments of sadness.

MC_Jack posted 1/26/2014 19:30 PM

I too hate the bashing of the OW in JFO. I get the venting, but it just seems to be so many easy names for the OW (or my WW) that don't exist for the OM. Some BSs do a better job than others focusing the blame laser on their WS.

UnexpectedSong posted 1/26/2014 19:37 PM

It doesn't matter whether she knows or not. She is immaterial. Or... Are you doing the work for yourself or to prove something to someone else?

bionicgal posted 1/26/2014 19:57 PM

I am a BS, and I think it is true that that the OBS is or should be largely immaterial to you, as you should be to the OBS. I guess you wish she really saw "you" instead of what you did to her? Yeah, that is tough stuff for a BS, but on the other hand, I do wish the OBS in our situation could talk to my H now -- so I get it.

However, I have am curious about the "tried to be her friend to prevent the A." Can you explain that? Because my husband's AP was a friend of both of us, and it certainly provided more access to him, made me feel preyed upon, and was really more of a problem and increased the sense of betrayal.

I do applaud all WSes here, OW and OM, doing the work and trying to be better people.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 1/26/2014 20:00 PM

That I tried to be her friend to prevent the A.

Umm...what? As if the A were somehow her fault, because she didn't befriend you?

Quit the pity party and focus on the only BS who matters. Your husband. Whether OBS thinks you're a psychotic stalker or merely a flawed human, is irrelevant.

Noturfan posted 1/27/2014 03:36 AM


What I meant was I had a few lunches with her, took her a cooked meal when I knew she was having trouble with her little one. I wanted to know her so I didn't demonise her, blame her for a bad marriage and give OM an excuse. If I got to know her and see what a good person she was then I wouldn't do something to hurt her. I tried very hard after DDay to do what she needed in order to heal.

OM filled my head with rubbish about her.

It's not a pity party 20Wrongs and your words aren't helpful. I am truly sorry that I hurt someone. I am not upset that she didn't befriend me. She feels that I betrayed our friendship. I am sorry that I hurt her on two levels. I'm sorry that I didn't help her as a fellow parent, but instead stole some of her child's childhood from them both. Aren't we the WS supposed to be showing remorse?

Noturfan posted 1/27/2014 03:42 AM

UnexpectedSong, I guess in posting this I'm reflecting on how much damage my choices inflicted. I'm owning the hurt I caused.

My BS and I are doing good, surprisingly good. I know OBS and OM are not. I wish I could take away some of the hurt (or all of it). It's not about redeeming myself in her eyes. If she needs to demonise me in order to heal, place all the blame on me to forgive her H then I will wear that.

2yrsblind posted 1/27/2014 04:00 AM

You should focus everything on your BS and worry less about them. In a round about way, I'm getting that you wish better for your AP.

Also, my exWW thought we were doing great two years after dday. Then she got served. Focus your focus.

AML04 posted 1/27/2014 06:16 AM

I wish the OW in our situation was remorseful. It might make it a little easier.

It's good that you feel this way as long as you have no expectations from her. I would imagine it would ease your guilt if you knew they were doing better but that's something you might have to let go of.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/27/2014 07:06 AM

I understand how you feel, it is a tough place to be in. When I ended my A I confronted my AP BW....I had tried texting her at one point to explain myself and apologize but didn't know at the time, AP deleted it so she couldn't see it.

I then texted her again a few days later and after texting back and forth a few times she called was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had.

Although I confessed to her and told her the truth about everything she chose to not believe me. AP told her I was blackmailing him and lying about everything and she bought it.

I have had NC with either of them since that day....I do know that they are still together, just built a brand new house, and are awaiting the birth of their second child.

It kills me that she thinks I am a psycho who made it all up, and I live with the guilt every single day. But that day she told me to stay away from her and her family....I have hurt her enough and caused so much damage, I can at least give her that.

Nest2007 posted 1/28/2014 23:13 PM

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:14 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

FaithStricken posted 1/29/2014 00:08 AM

In my opinion, your focus on what the OBS knows and well wishes for your AP's marriage is inappropriate and likely totally unwanted from the OBS. This lens won't really help you or your BS ... nor the others involved if that was what really should matter here.

Your guilt or remorse are yours to deal with and I understand you think that this expression of concern about the OBS and AP is owning your actions.

If you reread your first post you might see how it comes across as your motive is you don't want to be seen as a bad person. That should not be your focus and I see that you state you aren't looking for redemption from the OBS. However, your focus should be your actions...not your reputation.

I hope you can take the action to fill your soul as that is what will really make a difference.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 12:19 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

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