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User Topic: finding a balance between different love languages...and life..
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Stop  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I have two different major love languages. His is physical touch, mine is words of affirmation, and also acts of service.

We also have very different sex drives....his is very active, and he enjoys role playing and spicing it up more than I do. I love having sex with him, but don't desire it as often as he does and would be just as happy laying naked next to each other as having sex.

Many of our arguments about sex are him comparing our sex life now to our sex life when we first started dating, which was eleven years ago. It's not as adventurous and frequent as it was then, which I think is normal for every (or at least most) couples.

I also have narcolepsy, which I was diagnosed with six years into our relationship. I think the meds I take for it may be part of the reason for my decreased interest, but I also think life itself plays a role. At the end of the day once the house has been clean and our daughter has been put to bed, I have no energy left and unfortunately usually fall asleep on the couch shortly after sitting down for the night, which leaves very little time for us to spend together.

My BH has also recently started working as a correction officer in a nearby prison, and is also emotionally and physically tired at the end of the day, and has actually started to go to bed before me some nights.

So I guess I am rambling....but the point of this is how do other couples work on this? How do you make sure each partner's needs are being met, especially when dealing with all the extra every day things in life?

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 2:28 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ 29447
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you make sure each partner's needs are being met, especially when dealing with all the extra every day things in life?

You work on it by making it a priority. It just so happens that my primary love language is words if affirmation and HT's is physical touch as well. But just because my love language is words of affirmation, it does not mean I can't or don't enjoy physical touch. Just as HT definitely appreciates words of affirmation from time to time. I don't think that having a different love language excuses me from engaging in physical contact with my husband.

Prior to my A there were many discussions regarding sex drive, or lack there of on my part. We never got anywhere due to some unhealthy dynamics but the point is, I really didn't feel like I needed much sex and I felt that it should be initiated by my husband when we did. There's a bit more to it, but the point is that it all had to change after DDay. Our unhealthy dynamics were no longer acceptable and we needed to make some changes.

To be blunt, for us, HB came but has never went and we are 3 1/2 years post DDay. There is no special secret other than we make it a priority. It's important to both of us to have that physical connection. Do I always feel like getting it on after a long day? Of course not, but if I wait until I am really wanting it, well I could be waiting awhile. It's the same with him too. But the fact of the matter is, once we get it going we both enjoy it very much. Sometimes the hardest pet is just getting it started. And it's great because if we are both making it a priority, no one has to feel pressure to initiate.

I can't speak about narcolepsy, but I will call bullshit when people say that life gets in the way of having a good sex life. HT and I get up at 4 AM to go workout. We come home, shower and get ready for work. Get the girls ready for school. We then work very full days only to come home to cook dinner, talk to the kids and handle any other pertinent business for the day. Unite often by the time we are able to sit on the couch for the evening, I too begin to doze off. I wake up again to tuck the girls in and then we are off to bed only to start the process over again the next day. But we still for it in there most days because it's important to us. I love nothing more than either starting or ending my day feeling connected to HT.

I quite often wonder how I let so many years of our M go by without us enjoying each other to our full potential. It really is what you make of it. Unless of course, you have a medical condition that gets in the way.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to my A there were many discussions regarding sex drive, or lack there of on my part. We never got anywhere due to some unhealthy dynamics but the point is, I really didn't feel like I needed much sex and I felt that it should be initiated by my husband when we did. There's a bit more to it, but the point is that it all had to change after DDay. Our unhealthy dynamics were no longer acceptable and we needed to make some changes.

This really hit home actually..Thank you for writing it. Before my A we also had many discussions regarding sex/my sex drive and it created a lot of friction between us.

Your statement about it all having to change after DDay makes a lot of sense to me.

Thanks for the input!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My language is touch, too. I think that life does get in the way for some of us -- my BW just does not have the energy to do everything that we both value and make me a priority every day. When BW and I just cannot connect because of work and kids and this never-ending polar vortex, we can at least talk about it.

Now I am (a little) more comfortable saying when I am not feeling connected. When I do, I realize that she is trying to keep everything together. It's not because she doesn't love me or isn't interested. We can agree that it's because of life getting in the way, and reach a compromise. The kind of "I don't chase her around the bedroom and she will remember to sit beside me when she is playing Candy Crush to unwind." We even discuss it in terms of me respecting her needs and boundaries, and her doing the same with me. It is still not easy to discuss, but when we discuss these issues, and agree to a compromise, it keeps my bucket mostly full.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I'm learning right now is that a period of disconnection does not mean my marriage is doomed. I'm not aiming this at you alyssa as i don't sense this is your issue, but for me, particularly prior to the A, I mistook our periods of disconnection as a bad sign, when in actual fact we had just had 2 babies in 2 years, my H had just expanded his business and I was super isolated and personally dissatisfied with my life.

All these life events and emotional fluctuations are a part of life and my usual escapist attitude couldn't accept that. Life got hard and it's inevitable that during these times a couple can become disconnected.

I guess like what WOE says, it's about making each other a priority.. but we're always so tired to do exciting things. One thing that has stuck out and what I will try to implement is this:

Do I always feel like getting it on after a long day? Of course not, but if I wait until I am really wanting it, well I could be waiting awhile. It's the same with him too. But the fact of the matter is, once we get it going we both enjoy it very much.

I can really relate to that ^^^^^


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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