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BS yelled at me for cooking too much...and I think it's progress

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Prayingforhope posted 1/26/2014 14:29 PM

Our paths crossed at the house today which is never a good thing, me being the trigger that I am. It was my fault since I didn't think she would be home at that time. I was reading a book to my boys and left my cell in the other room (as we agreed, she texted me a 15min warning so I could leave and I didn't see it).

So there we are, in the same space...and she yelled at me for cooking a quiche with the wrong type of cheese in it. Then she yelled at me for cooking "too much" and to stop leaving food in the fridge as it infringed on her space.

I didn't say a word in response but I was in a rage immediately. You KNOW the feeling. In my mind I was shouting EVERYTHING I AM DOING TO HELP YOU HEAL AND YOU'RE KICKING MY ASS ABOUT THE WRONG TYPE OF CHEESE?!?!?!

But the kids were with me and cooler minds prevailed. I left the house and went for a long, cool walk....

And then I realized this is progress. She doesn't give a crap about a quiche or cheese or cooking, what she really wanted to say was "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY LIFE WITH YOUR A?!?!?!"

But she didn't. She belittled me for poor quiche preparation. This was the same woman who tried to physically beat me to death just 60 days ago...

When I saw it in context my rage melted away, I felt empathy for my BS and I made a note to never use that type of cheese or leave food in the fridge again.

I love this woman and I miss her more than anything I've ever missed in the world. I'm living in a crap apartment alone, praying she will one day have a conversation with me about how, maybe, just possibility, we could rebuild the love we shared for so many years.

Until then, I'm going to keep thinking food fights are progress...

grains posted 1/26/2014 14:43 PM

It is progress. You were able to read her rage as the expression of her suffering caused by the betrayal. Once I realized this it helped me embrace the anger and rage of my BS. It helped me stay with her and support her. Keep this perspective. Keep up the good work. Be safe and be free.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/26/2014 14:47 PM

I don't know your full story, but if she "beat you to near death", that is majorly concerning. No one deserves that. Is she working on this issue as well?

Prayingforhope posted 1/26/2014 14:48 PM

it helped me embrace the anger and rage of my BS

Grains, that sounds like a powerful skill that I need! I got lucky today because the kids kept me cool, but if we ever start talking again I am going to have to get a PhD in how to manage BS rage, that is for certain.

My wife has the strongest personality I know, which is one of the many reasons I fell in love with her in the first place. But that combined with her BS status means there is a LOT of anger in my future...I need to get better prepared!

Prayingforhope posted 1/26/2014 14:50 PM

Pointofnoreturn, she is in IC as well to deal with the trauma, rage, etc. I credit it with helping a lot, because for the most part she has been able to manage her rage when she is around me (which is very rarely these days).

SlowUptake posted 1/26/2014 19:41 PM

And then I realized this is progress. She doesn't give a crap about a quiche or cheese or cooking, what she really wanted to say was "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY LIFE WITH YOUR A?!?!?!"

Or maybe it was exactly about what she said it was and she's pissed off that you're 'in her space' when she wants you out of her life.

I caution you on guessing what your BS's motivations are.

Prayingforhope posted 1/27/2014 04:08 AM

Hi Slow, you're right unfortunately, that could easily be another option and I just don't know. All I know is to wait, give her the space she needs and keep working on myself...

But it's hard and it hurts and it upsets me more often than I like...

Onto another day...

heforgotme posted 1/27/2014 06:23 AM

It does sound like progress and it's also progress that you realized the real source of her anger. I don't know about you, but that was something FWH would not have been capable of pre Dday.

I think it's great that you are always looking for positives. No matter how things turn out, I believe that's something that will serve you well. It's an excellent trait to have, especially in the middle of this mess.

Hang in there.

2yrsblind posted 1/27/2014 06:52 AM

Emotions are good, its once she becomes indifferent towards your actions that doom has set in.

I remember my college football coach telling me."hey dumba$$, if I didn't care I wouldn't be yelling at you"

Keep your head up and allow your actions to be the words she wants to hear.

Prayingforhope posted 1/27/2014 07:08 AM

So true...I remember a month ago a wayward who posted he was grateful him and his BS we're fighting...because that was progress.

I thought it or I responded to that post that I could only dream about fighting, since my BS was not even talking to me at the time...

And now this...anger over cooking. It was hardly a fight since I didn't say anything, but it's better than not talking at all...

Emotions are good...all of them!

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