SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

HurtHarlequin posted 1/26/2014 16:08 PM

Hi everyone.

I found this site after a very long night of frantic searches on the internet about infidelity.

I still can't believe this is happening. Here's how it happened for me:

My WH and I are busy people. His job demands long hours and it hasn't been a problem until recently since I had a part time job and could spend time with him whenever he had some time off work. However, within the last year I got a full time job in the field I went to school for, and I've just started the process of building a career. My WH and I had even less time together. I tried to find ways to work around it as best I could, but still... very little time together.

Last weekend my WH and I went to a party held by one of our mutual friends. Since I had a pretty big work project that needed to be finished but still wanted a little down time with WH, I came up with a plan. I'd go to the party with WH, but I'd leave from there to go to my friend's apartment and get some work done and he'd go back to our place and get some sleep.

(Sidenote: The friend from work is also a close friend outside of work. We've been best friends since we were 13.)

I had hoped to spend most of my time with WH, but he spent a large amount of time talking to work friends (including the OW, but I didn't know it at the time), and all but ignoring me. Once the party was winding down, I left to my friend's place.

Once I got there I realized I had left my laptop at home and had to go get it in order to finish the project. I got home, went upstairs and heard some very disturbing sounds. Once I reached the bedroom I saw something that made the blood freeze in my veins. WH and OW together in OUR BED IN OUR HOUSE. I froze for a few seconds and then started sobbing and screaming, which alerted them to the fact that they were no longer alone. OW jumped out of bed, grabbed her clothes and dashed past me to the stairs and left. WH started yelling about me coming home early, and why wasn't I at my friend's place working, yada yada yada.

I started screaming back the usual things: Why, How could you, Don't you love me, etc. He yelled back about me being too busy for him, and our sex life wasn't exciting anymore. The argument was pretty much that, just stretched out over several hours with hysterical sobbing and yelling, and the occasional "I'm sorry" from him.

When he said, "I didn't think it would bother you this much, it's not like I love her or anything", I picked myself up off the floor, packed a bag with a few essentials and called my friend for a lift. Once he realized I was packing he turned up the heat on the apologies. As of now, though, I'm not sure I believe the apologies and I don't know if I want R. He's been calling me several times a day and texting constantly but I can read or listen to the voicemails. I'm going to have to talk to him at some point either way, but everytime I pick up the phone to call I break down.

I don't know if I can do this it feels like my heart has been torn out and destroyed right in front of me. I always knew experiencing infidelity would hurt, but it feels like I freaking dying.

I just don't know.

Skan posted 1/26/2014 16:22 PM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us. I am certainly not happy that you had such a horrific reason to come find us, but I am glad that your search led you here.

You're not alone and you will never be alone as long as you have all of us behind you. We're here to support YOU.

First off, you don't have to talk to him until you want to. You owe him nothing. Not one damned thing. You first and only priority is to take care of YOU right now.

I don't know if I can do this it feels like my heart has been torn out and destroyed right in front of me. I always knew experiencing infidelity would hurt, but it feels like I freaking dying.

You can and will get through this. One way or another, you will survive this. Yes, right now you are in shock and you are suffering all of the responses of extreme mental and physical trauma, and make no mistake, this is trauma. It's like being hit by a bus. You're on the ground right now trying to figure out what happened, if you really DID get hit, and your shock has kicked in so that you really don't know how hurt you are, although you know its bad, really bad.

This is normal. You are not going crazy. You moods are going to cycle and flip-flop several times, maybe in minutes. You are going to replay what you saw, what you thought you had, and that's going to cycle too. We call this the rollercoaster. You didn't buy a ticket, but were forcibly strapped in by you WH and the OW. This is going to last a very long time, but again, let me reassure you, you will survive this.

If you haven't already, look in the upper left corner at the yellow box and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Also look in the first 3 pages of this forum and read any post that has a red bulls-eye next to it. Information is going to be your friend right now and you need to know what is likely to happen. Fortunately, and I know that sounds strange, most WSs all follow the same playbook and knowing what is likely to happen is knowledge that will help you. For example last night was a prime example. Instead of going belly down and apologizing and begging for another chance, your WH attacked you, tried to minimize what happened, and tried to blame it on you. When clearly, it was his CHOICE to screw the OW. In your house. When he didn't think you would be there. All on him. Do not, for one minute accept that you had ANY part of his decision to commit infidelity. You don't have the power to force him to do that. It was his decision, his choice, and no mistake or oopsie at all.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

happyman64 posted 1/26/2014 16:35 PM

HH

Glad you are here but sorry you found us.

The key right now is to calm down and take care of yourself.

Eat, drink plenty of water and try to get some sleep.

Your WH made a very selfish decision.

His cheating is on him. Not you.

If he had issues with your hours, your attention or sex he should have brought those concerns to you.

Not gone and had an affair with another woman.

I bet the sex was not protected either....

Which means he made another selfish decision regarding your health.

He was also having sex in your marital bed. Another bad decision. That just shows you low his respect for you and your marriage is.

Be aware of that.

So for now do not make any major decisions. Take time to get your emotions under control.

Then decide what to do with the rest of your life.

No matter what keep posting here.

We are here for you.

HM

Howie posted 1/26/2014 16:44 PM

yes, it is terrible, probably the worst pain you will ever feel in your life, in intensity and duration. Your old identity, the one that trusted the one you loved is dying because it can't believe he would do that,and for THAT. You are ,maybe "lucky" to this extent. In terms of pain, the relatively short term sexual treason (if so) is easier to deal with than the months, years of lies.(Years later,I still see my WS, her beyond measure loved face,looking at me full face, smiling--and lying.It is the bitterest burden of all).
With the vast hurt, the crazy every other minute cycles of Belief/disbelief, revenge/forgive, reconcile/leave, pride(you were loyal)/despair are going to give you more than a few bad weeks. Standing up to him and leaving were good-not just logistically but they get so into their indulgent mind set they need a reality shock.And yes, they need to see you hurt to understand the hurt (if they ever do).
As everyone here will say-this is the worst.It will get better.You need time to rationally evaluate him and the chances of reconcilement.He need to be fully honest and fully remorseful.He can give you reasons(some here will disagree maybe) but he can't give you defenses. Working a a lot him or you or both, does not excuse betrayal
What will become clear,IF he really loves you, he will do better.
You can't believe this happens,I know.My wife, our bed (I didn't catch them),my best friend, many times.
The hour I made D, I wanted to die.And the old me did die,in some essentials.It was a horror but also a hard birth into a new life of purpose, alertness and may I say compassion.For the first time I became really attentive to those in pain around me. Enough about me. You-stay healthy.Stay productively as busy as you can. Use this site,many good advisements. Be brave, be proud. You did the hard thing of being loyal.
best-

yearsofpain25 posted 1/26/2014 17:44 PM

Welcome HurtHarlequin. I'm so sorry you are here.

Take a deep breath and say out loud "I'm going to be ok". Might help. Even just a little. Check the Healing Library in the upper left. There is lots of great info there.

Your story is also eerily similar to iamsoblind42. I bumper up her "Jerry Springer" thread for you. Read through it when you get the chance. There is a lot of great advice there and also so that you know that there is someone else here just like you.

Unfortunately this is probably going to get worse before it gets better. What else has been going on with your husband? We want you to know that there are 42000 of your best friends here to help you in any way that YOU need. Advice, vent, whatever.

I have to run, but I will check back in on you soon. Just wanted to start by saying you are not alone in any of this and NONE of this is your fault. NONE of it.

ZedLeppelin posted 1/26/2014 18:54 PM

Your husband is an idiot. Taking a woman back to your own bed, when you are still in the same city?! ...and then has the audacity to blame you!? Screw him. You are not at fault here. Your husband can blame you all he wants - he chose to betray you.

Apart from 1 text telling him you are safe, do not contact him anymore. Begin 180. You do not have to talk to him. You can go through a 3rd party if you want e.g. a friend

The most important thing is that you look after yourself. His needs and wants are irrelevant now. If you need to go to family, then you go to family. If you need to tell someone - then do it. There is no reason why you should protect your husband and suffer alone.

Finally: Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer. Find out your options. If this were me, i would file for divorce. It is a long process and therefore there is more than enough time to see if your husband is truly remorseful - consequently you can cancel the process.

Actually seeing a WS with their OW/OM is a deal breaker for most. Good Luck either way.

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/27/2014 06:52 AM

My gosh...you poor thing
Tough enough to ever face this but the way you found out is the worst way and you will be in shock for quite awhile. I am glad you are staying with friends. You need a good support system right now. Please take the advice of all the posts before mine. These are great people here and always here to help you through this. Do everything in baby steps and be very mindful of all your needs...make sure to eat and drink plenty of water and rest often.

No matter what blame he tries to put on you, You are not at fault. Do not talk to him until you are ready.

We will all keep you in our thoughts as you go through this.

marionwendy posted 1/27/2014 07:43 AM

O my god. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say except Im sorry. I cant believe some of the stories on here. So many people hurting all at once. It does get better(hard to believe right now) but it does. What does keep coming to my mind Imho is LAWYER UP. I don't know what else I would do? DO NOT LET HIM BLAME YOU. This is in no way your fault. This is not a mistake it was a choice. He is broken not you. You were loyal he was not. Tell yourself this. Tell yourself you are strong. You will find your way. Take care of you. Do not worry about him. He was not thinking of you or what his choices would do to destroy what he had. I don't know what the heck these WS think in their heads? They don't! I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts.

shiloe posted 1/27/2014 07:48 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. I also found out in a traumatic way the first time. Be aware, you may experience PTSD.

I got a feeling this is not the first time with his co-worker. Bet it's been happening.

She married? If so please inform her BS.

Just focus on you for now. Get family support.

Don't let his blame-shifting into your mind. It's just his way of justifying his behavior.

Stay strong, you did nothing to make him screw OW.
And seriously, what kinda whore does that in another womans bed

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:49 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

jenfrat posted 1/27/2014 08:44 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine walking in on what you did.

I just joined as well. The people here are wonderful and welcoming. We're all going through this together. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

BAB61 posted 1/27/2014 12:42 PM

(((HurtHarlequin))) Please follow the advice above. The main thing right now is to take care of you. It sounds like there are no children involved, that makes things less complicated. If you R or D from here is really on WH. If he chooses to R, he must be completely transparent to you. Access to his phone, computer and all electronic and other means of communication. NC with OW (if he works with her he must provide you with details of when/where and how long the interaction will be - texting or calling you immediately before and after). If she is married, please inform her BH, chances are good he doesn't know either. Do not hide the infidelity from your friends. The more people that know, the better for you!

Drink water and exercise - every day .. this will help you feel better physically, so you can deal with the emotional shitstorm that is now your reality. It sucks. I'm so sorry that you're here, but at the same time, it's a great place for support, knowledge and information. Utilize the resource. ((hurtharlequin))

norabird posted 1/27/2014 14:07 PM

I'm so sorry. Moving out with a friend was a great move just to get distance; you may want to get him to move out of the house for now though. Give yourself time. You don't have to know what you want yet. You CAN'T know what's best without more space to figure this out. Just be as good to yourself as you can be. And don't accept any shifting of the blame, any excuses, anything that is focused on him and not on your hurt.

You will get through this and come out strong. Have faith in yourself. You never deserved this but you CAN handle it.

yearsofpain25 posted 1/28/2014 19:15 PM

Hey Hurt, where are you? Come on back and let us know how you are doing.

HurtHarlequin posted 1/29/2014 18:01 PM

Hey everybody.

I can't thank everyone enough for their replies to my post. It feels like only one of the positives I have at the moment. And sorry for disappearing for a little while, trying to deal with this shock and staying on top of my day-to-day stuff has taken a lot of energy. I have been trying to read some stuff from the healing library, but my brain isn't absorbing much right now.

I've been trying to focus on self-care, like many of you have advised. I'm still staying with a friend, and she's told me I could stay as long as I need to (she's been a total lifesaver). I haven't spoken to WH in any depth yet. I responded to his texts only to say that I had a safe place to stay and that I'm not ready to come home or see him yet. I told him that I know we have to talk soon, at least to figure out how to handle the next few weeks.

I don't know when that conversation will happen. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to speak to him, let alone look at him.

I didn't listen to any of the voicemails he's left, but from the few texts he's sent, he's still apologizing, but hasn't offered anything beyond that. I don't know if he wants to divorce or reconcile, but I suppose that's ok because I still have no freaking clue what I want either. I'm bouncing between numbness to extreme grief.

I know from a logical place in my brain that this is not my fault, it's all his bullshit that's to blame for this but the emotional part of me can't stop disecting the last year or so of our lives, trying to figure out how the fuck this managed to happen. Luckily, we have no children to think about, so that's one thing.

How am I supposed to make myself make the decisions I need to make? I don't know how to make myself talk to him, or how to make myself hear the story of how this happened, or how to make myself decide to try to fix things or to walk away.

To everyone else on this site: I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this pain too. Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully I'll be in a place that I can be a bigger presence on this site soon.

To every other BS: *massive empathetic hug*

Tickingtock posted 1/29/2014 19:13 PM

It's sounds like you are doing (relatively) well. My only advice: save everything. Save every voicemail, text and email he sends you. You can file them away in special little folders so you don't have to see them all the time, but SAVE EVERYTHING.

HurtHarlequin posted 1/29/2014 19:19 PM

It's sounds like you are doing (relatively) well. My only advice: save everything. Save every voicemail, text and email he sends you. You can file them away in special little folders so you don't have to see them all the time, but SAVE EVERYTHING.

I think the only reason I'm doing ok is because I have a tendency to dissociate in certain situations. I went through some abuse as a child but didn't have any therapy for it until much later. Turning off my emotions in certain stressful situations is still nearly automatic. :(

I haven't deleted anything yet so I'll make sure to move them elsewhere to save.

HurtHarlequin posted 1/30/2014 14:01 PM

We've agreed to meet up tomorrow evening to talk. I have no idea how I'm going to face him, I don't know what to even say, I had a panic attack as soon as I ended the call...

God I don't know what to do

RealityStinks posted 1/30/2014 14:18 PM

I don't know what to do

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do right now. Remember that. All this should be on your schedule.

I would suggest listening more than talking. Do not let him get you on the "defensive" by trying to shift blame to you. I allowed my WW to do that to me for awhile, and it's not what you want to happen.

Also, if you show up and he starts trying to make excuses or does anything other than own his crap, I would leave. You don't owe him any explanation other than telling him that until he's willing to own up to what he did, you have nothing else to say. I know that's easier said that done, but I'll tell you I really wish that's what I would have done.

He will be assessing your overall emotional state. If it's one of "oh my, my world is falling apart. How could you do this to me" then you are not going to get what you want. On the other hand, if it's one of "screw you, I'm moving on with my life" then it will help to snap him out of it. He needs to think that your life goes on without him REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL AT THE MOMENT.

My first meeting with my WW after I kicked her out was NOT productive. Looking back, I was to easy on her. I stated my terms for R, but I was waaaaaaaaaaay to reassuring that everything would be OK. I haven't spoken to her in over a month.

So, to summarize: Listen more than talk, do not let him blame shift, make him think you are ready to move on without him.

Hang in there. This meeting is not going to be easy.

ZedLeppelin posted 1/30/2014 23:46 PM

Take a friend with you! Do not go back and face his attempts at manipulation alone.

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 20:16 PM

Hurtharlequin,
I hope your conversation went well with WS. You mentioned you had a panic attack after the phone call. Just sending you support.

Betrayal hurts so very much. If only they understood that.