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fooled08 posted 1/26/2014 18:25 PM

Wow! It's been a long time since I've posted on these boards (lurk...yes), but haven't posted in awhile.

My divorce was final in Jan. 09, husband cheated. I got into a relationship with an old hs boyfriend just 4 months later (bad, I know). We dated two years (lived an hour and a half apart, saw each other every weekend). I ended it in March 2011. because I realized it wasn't what I ultimately wanted long term.

I stayed single (2 dates total) from Mar '11 until June 2012. I went on an impromptu 'date' with a guy I used to work with that I could never picture myself with. We had a blast! We laughed until I was in tears, and went out again. It turned into a full blown relationship. The last two weeks though have been very hard for us. The relationship felt almost forced. I haven't done things that I used to do for him (bake, give cards, etc). Our conversations have been difficult, at best...we can literally sit in a room together and not talk.

Last night we addressed it, and decided to take a break. I cried and cried, but today I woke up relieved that I dont have to deal with that uncomfortable silence. Also, the past while, I have been getting stressed and felt depressed because I felt stuck. I don't know that I am happy in my job, and he will live here forever, and I just felt like the walls were closing in. We were randomly looking at houses online, and I would get excited, but then wake up wondering if this is what I really want.

The problem is, he is the best boyfriend I've ever had. He opened my car door every single time - rain, snow, whatever. He was very attentive, showered me with gifts, etc. I just sometimes questioned my attraction to him, and i feel terrible saying that, because there is so much more than that. I certainly have my share of flaws. We didn't have the best intimate life, and toward the end we struggled so much, that we just kind of stopped.

I am okay being by myself, but I am so afraid to let him go, because guys like him just don't come around that often:(.

Any advice??

Williesmom posted 1/26/2014 18:29 PM

No advice, just a hug


finallymefirst posted 1/26/2014 22:28 PM

Relationships are so hard sometimes. Try not to be too hard on yourself and don't let the fact that you miss him distort your view of the problems in the relationship. (((fooled 08)).

griefandrelief posted 1/27/2014 06:29 AM

You describe how I felt when I began my relationship with my W and soon-to-be XH. You take what you get and don't feel you deserve more.

But you do! You so totally do deserve all of your dreams and desires to come true. Don't rush on making yourself happy and complete. Happiness attracts happiness.

Good luck.

nutmegkitty posted 1/27/2014 07:55 AM


The other 4 letter word, time, will help. I know it's hard.

better4me posted 1/27/2014 14:26 PM

I cried and cried, but today I woke up relieved that I dont have to deal with that uncomfortable silence.
Listen to that relief. That is a pretty significant way your heart is telling you what is best for you. And letting him go means he can find what is best for him too.


fooled08 posted 1/27/2014 16:01 PM

Thank you for your responses. I didn't listen to my gut when I first met my now xh, and there were times in this relationship that I felt like I wasn't listening to it again:(. I am just so afraid to trust myself because what if I'm wrong, and I let him go? he is such a good guy, I just dont know that we are 100% for each other:(

I will definitely give it time. I also need to take up some new hobbies (and make some friends).

norabird posted 1/27/2014 21:26 PM

If you weren't connecting physically, the rest of his good qualities just aren't enough. It's too bad, but you can't argue with missing chemistry, no matter how much you think they are a good guy.

persevere posted 1/27/2014 22:48 PM

If he was that great of a match otherwise, I would want to investigate the intimate issues that were coming up. Was it just general incompatibility, different levels of interest, or something else? You are pretty young for the general dysfunction possibilities, but even those can be helped by medication.

mixedemotions posted 1/28/2014 13:38 PM

My friend and I were just talking about the guilt that comes with not feeling attracted to someone and how we sometimes try to talk ourselves into being attracted to them so we don't seem/feel shallow. But it's so much deeper than that, isn't it? It's not about whether or not someone is attractive, it's about whether or not you're attracted to him.

I think chemistry is too important to ignore. Sure it waxes and wanes over the years, but it seems like you two are pretty early on for it to have faded.

fooled08 posted 1/30/2014 03:41 AM

I think because I hear of all of the struggles people have with dating, it makes me feel guilty to let go of a perfectly good guy. I know my gut is telling me it's just not there, but my guilt is getting the best of me. Honestly, when I think of a future with him, I know we would be comfortable, and he wouldn't cheat, but there just wouldn't be that spark. And I wonder if at 37, is it "elementary" of me to want that?

I am perfectly content in being alone (maybe a little too content with that), so why would I settle for anything less than everything that I want? Why do I have all of this guilt? He deserves someone better than me, who would feel so lucky every day to have him, and isn't with him because on paper, he's perfect. Ugh, why am I struggling with being honest with myself and my feelings?

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