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not feeling loved

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Athene posted 1/26/2014 20:27 PM

Can anyone tell me if I'm asking too much?
After everything my WH did, I am left feeling unloved, unappreciated, uncherished thru repeated actions/words which confirm these things - due to FOO issues, or fog or whatever it was.
Ultimately, this is how I felt.

He has mentioned in the past that doing spontaneous nice things for me was "inconvenient" though it was not inconvenient to meet and romance his APs or do any of the other selfish things he did which required tons of effort on his part. But he wanted it he says so he put in the effort. Now, while trying to R, we've read the 5 languages of love together.
Can't do physical - I just don't feel safe/ready.
Can't do date nights currently in the state of affairs - too many elephants in the room.
Getting gifts is on my list so he was buying flowers, jewelry, clothes, etc occasionally. Appreciated - yes but very materialistic/superficial/easy - not much thought involved.
Not meaningful to me.
I can't be bought by these things.
I love gifts but ones which come with thought and meaning. Not a credit card swipe. Romantic gestures that take into account what I like. Something he spent time on. Effort on.

But he cops out- "I'm not romantic, I'm not creative." This coming from the guy who has "X for Dummies" books about everything - bought, rarely read. And with the internet everywhere, why can't he get a myriad of ideas.

I don't expect perfection.
I don't even have hopes that it will be great.
But the effort is what's missing.
The desire to do something like this for me - even though I've asked for it.

Is it too much to ask for a "grand" romantic gesture to see if I am not an inconvenience and if I am worth the effort to do something that 'I' would like?
Not expensive. But meaningful, thoughtful.
I just think that if I had the opportunity, much less the request, to do something super loving and romantic for my supposed soulmate whom I have hurt so unbelievably, why wouldn't I jump at the chance. Why wouldn't I want to bring that person love, why wouldn't I want to make them feel reassured, why wouldn't I want to see them smile and feel appreciated?

Like all the effort that goes into a sweet or romantic proposal. Is it too much to ask for?

I just really need a sign of his love.
He keeps talking about it.
But I don't feel it. I'm sure do to my baggage.
But I need him to work harder to help me feel his love. Beyond words.
I'm tired of "I love you", "I'm sorry", "I won't hurt you again". Yes - I need that too but that will only help with consistency and time.

What I need is a declaration of love.
About ME.
Not about how sorry he is, and how ashamed he is.
How angry and sad he hurt me.
Great he's that but WHY ME? WHY NOW?
I need to hear an untainted love letter to me.

He doesn't get it.
I need to FEEL loved.

Morhurt posted 1/26/2014 20:40 PM

I remember having a similar conversation with my H in the early days. I needed him to say (and mean it) that he would do ANYTHING for me. Anything. It was an excruciating experience. He truly did not get it.

I was giving examples like; roses once a week, or a love letter every day, or just, whatever. But they weren't something I actually wanted I just needed to know that if I DID want that he would jump at the chance to do it. Sighh... It took a long time to really get it I'm sorry to say. And even now, he's great with actions (booking me appts, making me yummy treats, buying lovely gifts) but if I ask that he does something harder (post on SI, write a letter to himself) he forgets the "do anything" part and balks.

It's hard, I understand.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep communicating, it really does help (H wrote the letter today without me asking!)

Athene posted 1/26/2014 20:55 PM

Thank you Morhurt.
I just don't get it.
Why wouldn't you want to bend over backwards for the supposed love your life?
Why wouldn't you want to do that over and over?
Why wouldn't you want to make them feel loved and safe and secure and desired and wanted and like they matter?

Why don't some people really see how wonderful giving is?
How wonderful and full your heart feels when you give joy and love to someone else?
Even for a selfish person, wouldn't that be in some way kinda self-serving at the very least?

Trying2Survive1 posted 1/26/2014 21:29 PM


I hear you. Ugh, it does hurt, but not everyone thinks, feels, even knows what would send our heart a flutter. My Dad always made Christmas special for my mom, even straining the budget to proudly present her with an over the top, wonderful, extravagant gift. On the other hand, my mil told me when FWH and I were first dating, "make sure to tell him exactly what you want as he's not a good giver."

So, long story short... You have to communicate your needs to him. Give him examples of what YOU need to feel loved. Don't expect perfection, IMHO just knowing he whole heartedly tried would soften my heart.

Athene posted 1/26/2014 21:34 PM

Thank you.
I fully expect he'll not touch my heart remotely in the way I dream.
I am realistic. He too is not a good giver.
Countless arguments/discussions about
love=giving and not receiving.
But like you mentioned, what I am looking for is the effort. The trying.
That would speak volumes to me.

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