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long overdue update

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badchoice posted 1/27/2014 07:00 AM

It has been a long time since I have posted. I have been lurking a lot, reading in D/S and NB a lot, and still read here often too.

Well things with our M have not changed, but I feel like I have changed a ton for the positive.

All of you who kept telling me (and my BW) that we needed to really go NC were right. Since December we really have been better about it. I have stopped using her as an emotional sounding board and support system. It has helped me detach from her, and not be so dependent on her. She still asks for advice on her business partnership now and then, and I try to support her as I can, but I have grown to accept that it is only me helping her with that one thing. It is not an indication of anything else in our relationship, or a signal that she will one day take me back.

That detachment has helped me a lot. I no longer spend every day thinking about her, what she is doing, and what I can do to win her back. I have accepted that she does not want me back, and that, in reality, I deserve someone (at some point) who will love and trust me because I have changed and not the same person I was. I don't know if that will happen, right now my focus is being a dad, building better connections with my friends, and work, but not thinking my life is over because BW will not take me back is progress.

I still have bad days where the guilt crashes in, but I look at that as a good thing. A reminder of how far I fell, and how much more I can grow in this process. I know that BW struggles, but with the help of my IC I am realizing that I cannot control her. All I can do is not do anything to make things harder for her.

UnexpectedSong posted 1/27/2014 09:06 AM

Good realizations. Keep up the good work.

BaxtersBFF posted 1/27/2014 09:07 AM

Hi Badchoice,

It sounds like you've let go a bit. What's the plan moving forward? You guys have kids right? How's that working out? Has the D process started?

DixieD posted 1/27/2014 10:13 AM

Badchoice, you sound like you are in a better place. One of more peace. That's great. Keep at it.

badchoice posted 1/27/2014 10:34 AM

Thanks y'all.

Yes letting go have cleared a space for a little more peace. I hope BW has had some too.

Yes, we have kids and split time with them 50/50. That has worked out well, with both of us being as flexible as we can be if things come up. The kids have seemed to settle into the routine.

D has not started, insurance is the main reason for that since I work and BW currently does not. She wants to go back to school, and then re-enter the workplace, so keeping her on my works plan until she can get her own is key, and one less financial burden we want to avoid. I think that even if we do legal S she will lose health benefits.

OUr plan is to do mediation when the time is right. we have no desire to make it a mess, and have discussed that as our course of action.

Darkness Falls posted 1/27/2014 13:06 PM

Hi BC,

Glad to hear you're in a more peaceful place. I know you struggled for a long time with everything. Keep up the good work!

SlowUptake posted 1/28/2014 01:01 AM

Good for you Badchoice.

I wish you well in your continued healing.

badchoice posted 1/28/2014 09:24 AM

Yes, I am in a more peaceful place, and like I said, I hope my BW is getting somewhere close to it too. I have realized that I cannot control her, or her healing, so I let go of that.

It was hard to let go and detach, but i guess it was the best thing for both of us to do.

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