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lost and alone

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lost94 posted 1/27/2014 08:10 AM

If you had asked me in November, I would have told you things were going really well. He hit the anger phase in December and is relentless. I know I deserve all the 2x4's that he is dishing, but at the same time I don't know how much more I can take. I have removed the closest friends I have from my life. The only "friend" I still have is the one he talks to and spends more time with than I do. There has only been a hand full of days since the first of December that he hasn't been mean. One of those days was my birthday, after getting drilled for an hour I begged him for one day where he didn't have to solely focus on the A. For the most part he did back off, but as soon as the next day arrived all bets were off. I get little to no sleep for a year and a half now. I'm on the verge of losing my job because of being so tired that I can't focus. He has told me that I am looking old, tired and worn out, but yet won't let me sleep. I was able to get 7 hours of sleep this weekend and that was all last night. After dozing off for a few moments Saturday night, I was awaken by him being upset. His biggest complaint is that I don't show enough emotion. I think I spent a good share of the day Saturday crying my eyes out and Saturday night he tells me to stop. He couldn't handle me hurting. I am at my wits end and spent so much time Saturday night into Sunday morning plotting my death. I started writing letters to all my loved ones. I am ready to give up on life. We can't afford counseling of any kind, I have no friends or family that I can talk too. It's very hard to talk here because I know he will be watching and it will only upset him to see that I am not happy and loving life. I know I should be sucking this up ... I am the one that fucked up not him, but I am creeping closer and closer to the edge. I even started taking antidepressants on my birthday, a month ago, in hopes that I would be a little better but that's not helping either. He told me Saturday night that he has realized I'm not the person he thought I was when he married me. I have found a couple messages to people from him that his wife is such a slut. I made a mistake but that does NOT make me a slut. If he is so disgusted with who I am, then why is he still here? I'm sorry for rambling, and being selfish right now. I know that I have no right feeling this way, but life is hopeless right now. The only thing that stopped me yesterday from ending life was seeing my son sleeping and not wanting him to be in pain forever. I know with time both kids will recover and maybe someday they will have a step mom that will be way better then I have ever been. I give up!!

Deeply Scared posted 1/27/2014 08:37 AM


I'm so sorry you're feeling to distraught...the lack of sleep is not helping the situation at all.

Since MC isn't an option right now, I think its fair of you to sit down with your H and ask him if you two can come to an agreement to set specific times that you talk about the A. This way this is some sort of structure that will help you both but also give you a schedule that you can actually sleep.

I know that the first year or so I was sleep deprived as well (so was my H) and it makes it almost impossible to function for your daily work schedule.

Also, you may want to download It's a good read for WS's and I think about $10.00.

Please keep reaching out to us here.

lost94 posted 1/27/2014 08:49 AM

Thanks ... I will check with him, but I'm guessing it won't work because as he has said before he can't control when the triggers happen. On top of all of this I work 40 hours a week, spend 10 hours at college a week, I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc and have 2 teenage boys active in sports and other extracurricular activities. I would give anything to have one day to do nothing but sit, watch tv, read a book anything to just relax. It's been a very long time since I was able to just unwind. Sorry ... I need to quit whining ... this is what happens to stupid people like me.

20WrongsVs1 posted 1/27/2014 08:53 AM

Oh lost, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please don't do anything rash. Your children will never recover if you leave them. Never. At some point (I'm guessing) most Waywards have been there, thinking the world would be better off without us. If we really are horrible, irredeemable sluts, then yeah...what's the point of going on? That's exactly why self-hatred is so counter-productive.

When I started therapy in June, the concept of loving myself? What a joke. My therapist took me through these exercises called EFT (emotional freedom technique) which (Google it!) looks like goofy nonsense, but it works. Anyway, as part of it you say something like, "Even though I hurt my husband terribly with my actions, I truly and deeply love and accept myself." At first I couldn't even force my mouth to say the words. Truly and deeply accept myself? Yeah, no, I couldn't imagine it. The best I could do was, "...I'm open to considering the possibility that one day I could love and accept myself."

But now I do truly and deeply love and accept myself. When my BH vents his hurt with negative words and labels, it hurts, and I feel sad. Devastated sometimes. But I love and accept myself, I know I'm on the healing path, and staying on it no matter what.

Aside from SI, what are you doing to heal? If you can't afford counseling, what are you reading?

Can you appeal to BH's sense of practicality, and tell him you are afraid of losing your job? That you're worried that losing your job will make things *even harder* on the family? Therefore you're requesting that personal talks are scheduled from X time to Z time...and that once you're in bed, there is no discussion? Are you still in the same bedroom? Would he agree to you sleeping in another room, if your presence in his/your bed is too triggery for him right now?

Do you own a firearm? If so, ask a trusted family member to keep it for you for awhile. Or, ask BH to hide it.

BaxtersBFF posted 1/27/2014 08:56 AM

You're not alone in this. SI can be your support system. Even one post a day just to check in. It doesn't even have to be something that you post for support, but posting on someone else's thread can be very therapeutic for you.

The anti-depressants would probably seem like they were working if you were able to get some real sleep. Don't give up on taking those because you don't feel they're working.

And don't worry so much about your BH getting mad about what you're posting here. He's pissed off anyway, so will posting make it worse?

UnexpectedSong posted 1/27/2014 09:10 AM

Is this new behavior for him? As in... Has he been relentless about other things in the past?

lost94 posted 1/27/2014 09:10 AM

Thanks for the replies ... I have to head to work, but I will do my best to check tonight when I get home.

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