Oh lost, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please don't do anything rash. Your children will never
recover if you leave them. Never. At some point (I'm guessing) most Waywards have been there, thinking the world would be better off without us. If we really are horrible, irredeemable sluts, then yeah...what's the point of going on? That's exactly why self-hatred is so counter-productive.
When I started therapy in June, the concept of loving myself? What a joke. My therapist took me through these exercises called EFT (emotional freedom technique) which (Google it!) looks like goofy nonsense, but it works. Anyway, as part of it you say something like, "Even though I hurt my husband terribly with my actions, I truly and deeply love and accept myself." At first I couldn't even force my mouth to say the words. Truly and deeply accept myself? Yeah, no, I couldn't imagine it. The best I could do was, "...I'm open to considering the possibility that one day I could love and accept myself."
But now I do truly and deeply love and accept myself. When my BH vents his hurt with negative words and labels, it hurts, and I feel sad. Devastated sometimes. But I love and accept myself, I know I'm on the healing path, and staying on it no matter what.
Aside from SI, what are you doing to heal? If you can't afford counseling, what are you reading?
Can you appeal to BH's sense of practicality, and tell him you are afraid of losing your job? That you're worried that losing your job will make things *even harder* on the family? Therefore you're requesting that personal talks are scheduled from X time to Z time...and that once you're in bed, there is no discussion? Are you still in the same bedroom? Would he agree to you sleeping in another room, if your presence in his/your bed is too triggery for him right now?
Do you own a firearm? If so, ask a trusted family member to keep it for you for awhile. Or, ask BH to hide it.