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SandAway posted 1/27/2014 09:23 AM

There is a heart-wrenching post in JFO about a BH who's WW is pregnant with the OM's child.

Some have suggested aborting it and others suggested D'ing her ass..

Makes me sad as that child is me.

When I was 21, after a heated argument with my father, he sat me down and told me how much he loved me and that he was not my real father. My mother had an A and became pregnant with me. When my parents D in 1972, he fought to gain custody of us kids. I always knew that for him to do that he had to prove she was an unfit mother, now I know how he did that.

He loved me unconditionally. He passed away many years ago as did my mom (whom I never confronted) - Thank God I have an AMAZING step-mom.

I hope he is looking down at me with that same unconditional love, but I am not so sure...

Sal1995 posted 1/27/2014 09:33 AM

I hope he is looking down at me with that same unconditional love, but I am not so sure...

Why, because you are human and flawed? I'd bet the farm his spirit loves you unconditionally, as do many others in your life. You can be hugely disappointed in someone without losing even a trace of the love you feel for them.

stunnedin12 posted 1/27/2014 09:57 AM

I have a friend whose one child is an "OC". I can tell you that child is loved beyond all reason. Their marriage did not survive, but the child is/was loved.

I bet your Dad (and he IS your DAD) loves you.

My heart is hurting for you and for the family/child in the JFO forum.

Ascendant posted 1/27/2014 10:00 AM

I agree, SandAway...I don't go into JFO very often....but that post tore me to pieces. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing some perspective.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/27/2014 10:01 AM

((((SandAway))))

Williesmom posted 1/27/2014 10:05 AM

((sandaway))

DixieD posted 1/27/2014 10:14 AM

Sarah Polley made a documentary called Stories We Tell. It's about her life and finding out about being an OC. She interviews her siblings and her fathers. It may be a very triggery movie on a lot of levels but it showed the unconditional love and care between her dad who raised her and herself. He seemed like a remarkable man. Sounds like your dad was the same.

(((SandAway)))

Secrets Kept posted 1/27/2014 15:54 PM

Sandaway,

Your post is SO ironic to me. I was just thinking this very morning about my life & my parents, as today is their 47 year wedding anniversary. But I also realized today that I am "kind of" the OC & had even thought to myself that I could start a thread stating I was the OC. So thx so much for starting it for us.

By saying I was "kind of" the OC, I mean that my parents are married today 47 years & on Wednesday, the 29th, I turn 46 years old. All that my sister & I know is that both our parents were married to other people & had an affair together. My sister is the child from my mom's 1st marriage & my dad has a son from his 1st marriage, that we rarely EVER saw growing up. Then I am the product of their marriage & affair, though this is not something that is discussed with them & I doubt my sister & I will ever have the full or true story.

So while they were technically married a year & 2 days when I was born, they still had an affair together that destroyed 2 marriages & which led to me shortly thereafter.

I could NEVER understand why my dad's 1st wife acted like she absolutely hated me when I was little. We would have minimum contact with her but when she would drop off my half-brother at family reunions & that type of thing, I felt it even as a child. Everyone always told me it was because I looked just like my brother & it was weird to her. I also never understood the bitterness & hatred that my mother always felt for my grandmother, my dad's mom, & vice versa.

My grandmother would never "acknowledge" my sister as a grandchild & it made for some very uncomfortable times growing up. BUT.....now I TOTALLY understand the why's of how they all acted & why they did!!

How sad that infidelity was doing the same thing it is today almost 50 years ago & I am pretty sure, much longer. No matter how much time has passed & no matter what year it is today, infidelity is one of those timeless, age-old curses that will always be around, following the same paths it has since however long ago.

It's just a sad fact all around!!!

Aubrie posted 1/27/2014 16:22 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting.

(((Sand)))

LosferWords posted 1/27/2014 16:32 PM

This topic hits very close to home for me, SandAway.

I hope he is looking down at me with that same unconditional love, but I am not so sure...

I have a pretty good idea that he is.

Family is who you make it. Your father obviously loved you enough to fight very hard to have you in his life and take care of you. I can't see that love and protectiveness ever changing. I can personally attest that it will never change with my feelings toward my little champ.

Hope this helps a bit.

Girlietoo posted 1/27/2014 21:28 PM

I realized just last night that I too, am an OC. My mother was single when she became pregnant with me but my bio father was either engaged or just newly married. (My bio father went on to have a family and never saw me again until a few years ago when my sister, his oldest daughter, reached out to me)

I've always had the strongest reaction to OC threads and I know in my heart that my husband fathering a child with someone else would be the end of me.

I've also had strong reactions to infidelity my entire life, it was the one thing I BEGGED my husband never to do to me. I didn't care if he left me but I couldn't stand to be cheated on.

At any rate, this OC revelation is something I plan to discuss in therapy this week. I think it is an interesting piece of information.

SandAway posted 1/28/2014 06:47 AM

Thanks everyone for your support.

I know that my dad never planned on telling me he wasn't my birth father. The only reason he did was because I was so angry I was spewing "I hate you!" as I went into my room slamming my door. I can remember like it was yesterday when he came in and sat beside me on my bed and told me. It was quite a shock but it completely made sense - everyone in my family had straight blond hair & blue eyes; I have brown curly hair and brown eyes.

You can be hugely disappointed in someone without losing even a trace of the love you feel for them.

So true Sal - my BH exemplifies this with his love for me. And I just can't even imagine the strength it took for my dad to accept me. Such an amazing man, and because of his unconditional love for me I never once have had a desire to know who the sperm came from.

Losfer, Thank you for reading & commenting. I do remember reading your story in the BM forum. It really resonated with me because of this ~ your son is very lucky to have you as his father.

helpemegetoverit posted 1/28/2014 07:15 AM

I sorry you are hurting. Thanks all of you above for sharing your stories. I rarely read in JFO but I did just read this and it's very triggery for me.

I hope they are able to figure out what is best for their family. I'm not quite sure what that is, I know every decision comes with it's own consequences.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 7:24 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

JanaGreen posted 1/28/2014 07:35 AM

((HUGS)) Sand

badchoice posted 1/28/2014 10:06 AM

SandAway - sorry you are hurting.

I learned last year that I too am an OC. My mother was not married when she got pregnant with me, but my father was. I never met my father, he never tried to get involved or support me, and I have thought about contacting him, but have not.

I went and read the thread in JFO, and remember why I stay out of that and the General threads. I get defensive, upset, triggered, etc when i go over there.

Thanks for posting this.

Tickingtock posted 1/28/2014 16:41 PM

Thank you for sharing sandaway. You've given a really important perspective on the OC issue.

For everyone else, please do not read that thread if it's going to trigger you. It's getting really ugly and out of control. I read it a few minutes ago and it's making me feel kinda sick . And I have absolutely no personal connection with the issue. Just a friendly warning.

ETA: clarity.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 4:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 1/28/2014 16:47 PM

(((Sand)))

nowiknow23 posted 1/28/2014 17:12 PM

((((SandAway))))

hitbyatruck posted 1/28/2014 21:45 PM

My little brother is an OC. I am only using the term "oc" for clarity. I love him like he is one of my own kids. We are 15 yrs apart. I too have a strong reaction to the OC threads.

My parent's marriage did not survive more than a few minutes past the announcement of an OC coming along. But my brother is truly an amazing person and I couldn't imagine life without him.

He has no idea of the timeline or that he is an OC and I hope no one ever tells him. No point in that now at all.

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