My W finally completed a timeline of her 5 yr LTA, and we went through it yesterday. I asked that it contain as much detail about the affair as possible. There were really only a few things in it that I didn't already know about, but I appreciate seeing the facts in a somewhat chronological layout, and also learning what she and the AP were saying/feeling about each other at different points during this long-term affair.
The big problem arose from her answers to some questions about the type of sex they'd had - these new answers contradicted answers she'd given to the same question consistently before, and this is AFTER she told me she had nothing more to hide and was being entirely truthful with me. Actually, the sex doesn't bother me nearly as much as the idea that she is still trying to protect herself from imagined consequences by lying about details.
Later on, in the wee hours of the morning, she admitted other things she'd been lying about - that she really had spent ENTIRE nights with him, and she related new stories about two additional out-of-town luxury hotels they'd stayed at. (The hotels thing seems to be a real problem for her to admit; she admitted within months that she'd have the AP over for coffee and sex on our bed in the mornings after the boys left for school - but she somehow thinks admitting staying at hotels with him is more damaging. We've gone through several bouts of trickle-truths regarding how many hotels they stayed at, and now this latest admission really tops everything).
She also admitted lying to me about other things - she'd told me she told the AP that I would be "devastated" to learn about this affair when he asked her how I would react. In reality she told him I'd probably be hurt and sad but that I really didn't love her any more. (Which of course is not true, but I understand it is WS fog-like thinking).
I feel so down and disappointed about this. Of course, I had to assure her she was "safe" telling me anything - but learning she is still lying after all these months of saying I'm her favorite person in the world, that she's "woken up" and is an honest, authentic person now is just so difficult - I feel like I'm back at D-day +1. To her credit, she has finally admitted these lies - but how do I know where it all ends? She told me that she is just human, that people make mistakes, and that correcting a bad behavior is not as simple as just flipping a light switch. Is that right? How many more lies do I need to put up with before she learns to control that behavior? When will she value our relationship, and my feelings, my TRUST enough to be truthful with me about everything?
I told her I still loved her, but I know that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is not honest with me. I told her I thought that being dishonest was a lousy way to treat your favorite person in the world. I told I feel like we've been in false-R because of this.
Today was the first day I felt like implementing the 180. I didn't kiss or hug her good-bye; I wasn't affectionate at all, but instead tried to remain pleasant but detached and business-like.
Am I right to do this? How long do I keep it up?
Thank you all - I really need some advice.
[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 11:32 AM, January 27th (Monday)]