*Finding my strength*
My wh is a serial cheat and pathological liar!! This is the lifestyle he chooses for himself as he continues putting up the front of a "family man." Once the lying becomes acceptable behavior it never stops!! Save yourself the agony- I just went through 20 months of false r- and I'm so going to blindside him!! Now is the time to talk to an attorney- but don't tell him that!! You deserve so much better than this!! Believe nothing he says!! My wayward told me every outlandish lie imagineable and cried buckets while swearing on our childrens' lives that it was the truth!! Just more of his bs and control tactics!!
Sending you strength and hugs!!
[This message edited by mj052 at 10:57 AM, January 27th (Monday)]
It stops when you set your foot down and say "this ends now" one way or another.
In all my years and all my d-days, ^^^this is so true.
You have a lot of ddays and I hate that for you. Its so unfair! I hope you don't mind but i was wondering if you and WH are in R now or separated? If in R how did you find a way to get past it and give him another chance?
I honestly feel that I could have gotten passed this if he had just tried to fix what he broke, but he didn't. He took the victim route.
All I wanted from him was to sit down with him and his computer and go over everything, but he said no.
If your husband can stop his lying I'm sure you both would be able to work together and move forward. He needs to be transparent, give you an "all access" pass to every device he owns and to all his accounts. Most importantly he needs to stop his lying.
Let's assume what he said was true. There would be no harm in him saying "twillett, I need some time to myself to sort through some things. I'll still be at work if you need me or if son needs me." If he said that, or something along those lines, you would have been able to process it better. I've told my husband that lying is a controlling trait. That when you control the flow of information to someone, you control their ability to make a decision for themselves and no one has that right.
See that's what I just don't get. I told him if he came to me and said he needed time I would have been ok with it but he lied to me for weeks. I asked him where he was Friday night he said somewhere in Texas, I asked him about the weather there he said it was a little cold and he said the time was different. Like I just don't know what goes on in his head to come up with this stuff. He's such a horrible liar anyway that's how I've caught him every time! Grrrr!!!!!! I just need honesty!
That when you control the flow of information to someone, you control their ability to make a decision for themselves and no one has that right.
If he had just given you his truth you could have dealt with it, but he gave you lies instead, probably to hide something. That's the sad truth of it all.
Did he even try to explain why he is acting the way he is?
Yes he did. He said it's our fault for his behavior because we don't treat him right.
He makes it seem like you were the one who had the affairs and he is holding a grudge against you
That's exactly how I feel. I really don't understand it either.
My husband lies like this, too. He'll lie over the littlest thing. I'm wondering if you husband has FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Was he always afraid of his parents, to some degree? So if he got caught doing something stupid, would he lie to them to get out of trouble? Maybe now it's a habit for him and he doesn't even realize he's doing it?
My son is starting down this road and it kills me. I keep telling him that no matter what, he should always tell the truth. That the punishment will never be as bad if he tells the truth. I've worked hard with him about being honest and when he does tell me that truth I sit and listen and then say "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Then he'll smile and say "No, it wasn't." I'm so scared he'll be like his father
I am so sorry you are going through this and I so know how you feel. My first DDay was three years ago. I thought the pain would kill me. We reconciled and went to MC, he even bought me a new ring and renewed our vows because I felt like the old vows were broken and "not good anymore."
Yes, you can get past the pain. You can get past the affair. It took me two years but I reached the point where I completely forgave them. I even talked to the OW on the phone and told her I forgave her. She burst into tears and told me how sorry she was she had hurt me.
But...here's the catch. My WH has a real problem with lying. He lies about little things to other people all the time, it's like a way of life to him. He projects an image to other people and will lie to protect it. And guess what, it took me seven months of detective work to discover he was lying AGAIN, this time about an A with his best friend's wife.
He was SO SINCERE, looking deep into my eyes, swearing he'll love me faithfully all his life, swearing he was so sorry he hurt me and he'd never lie or cheat again. He was lying the whole time.
FOLLOW THE EVIDENCE. Actions are truth. Words mean nothing. If the actions confirm the words you may be on the right track. If the actions contradict the words, you need more proof. DO NOT BELIEVE ANY WORDS that you cannot confirm.
I was in denial for months, knowing in my gut he was lying but desperately hoping I was wrong because I wanted to believe him. I realized he cannot change and I realized I cannot live as the affair police any longer.
I am at peace. It has been a horrible year and I have been tormented beyond my comprehension. But I am at peace now that I know the truth. I can trust in my instinct. I will be okay.
You deserve someone who will not lie to you. If your H can be that person, then I wish you all the best.