This is a difficult post for me to make, but it's probably past due.
I am also a wayward.
A few days after our second DDay due to my WH's recent LTA, ONSs and EA,, I confessed.
Two years into our marriage, when we were geographically separated for around 8 months, I drank too much at a party and kissed another man. And by saying "kissed," I am minimizing, because we kissed for several minutes (my best estimate is 5-10) so in actuality, we made out.
Memories of the events of the party were and still are spotty, but needless to say, I made very bad choices. I chose to go out with single friends from work. Often.
I chose to drink too much and abuse alcohol. Often.
I chose to be self-absorbed and not to think of my husband. Often.
The only good choice I made was in not letting the kissing progress to anything else, and realizing my terrible choice in time not to make a worse one by going home with the man when he asked. While I am relieved that I didn't compound my actions by making even worse choices, I realize this is, in and of itself, a pathetically small comfort.
I made the bad choice not to tell my husband immediately. I had several reasons, but I realize now they are all crap. (Note: I would not recommend reading Dr. Laura for sound how-to-handle-infidelity advice. Her advice will assist you in rationalizing the easier--and IMO, wrong--path of keeping your bad choice a secret from your spouse)
This, of course, complicates our healing. It also sometimes helps, in a tiny way. Because I can more easily understand the knee-jerk defensive reaction, the gut-punch of shame, the urge to avoid discomfort he sometimes experiences. Since I am conflict avoiding due to FOO issues (though I've been working on that for the past couple of years), I'm used to avoiding discomfort. While talking to my husband about my infidelity is a painful process, I think it's also necessary, and one that is helping me grow.
But it also complicates healing, too. My husband will ask for minute details that I try to provide to the best of my ability--but then it triggers me to think I'm not asking enough details about his As.
I think it's also hard for him not to see himself in my actions. So while I never talked to, emailed, or otherwise tried to contact the man again (I was horrified by my actions, and from that point on worked on putting up boundaries and being safe with alcohol), he has a hard time processing that. Which is to be expected. And I will answer the questions again and again and again.
It's also hard, because several times now he has tried to figure out what he did beforehand to contribute to my cheating. I keep reminding him that he is not to blame. I am. But I think he has so much guilt, shame, and remorse for his actions, that it colors his thinking about himself.
The no comparison thing is also crazy hard at times, but we are working hard to keep the two issues separate.
Both husband and I are in IC and are currently shopping for a new MC. We are both dedicated to making our marriage stronger. We both know its going to take a lot of pain and hard work--but also hope it will bring a lot of love, compassion, and laughter.
Since that time 11 years ago, I've kept my boundaries up, and so far that has worked to keep my behavior in line with my morals. But I'm glad that I am also in IC, so I can figure out more of the "why" and "how" and continue my journey as a person I am comfortable with looking at in the mirror.
Thank you for reading.
[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 12:57 PM, January 27th (Monday)]