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A perspective almost 5 years out

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JKL Vikings posted 1/27/2014 12:33 PM

BS and WS welcome
In his hit song "The Gambler", Kenny Rogers advises us to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. There's a time to ease back, and there's a time to push it.
Nobody with half a functioning brain cell thinks it's OK to cheat or stray. Waywards here are otherwise intelligent people who had a run of stupid choices. So it's often asked "What made it OK"? We point to feelings of neglect, maybe feelings of alienation, etc. We figure out that we chose the worst possible to deal with these issues. I was thinking a lot over the past few days and went one level deeper. What set the chain of events leading to my infidelity in motion?
Flash back to the summer of 2007. 6-8 months before my stupidity. The Alpha Female and I are talking. While we're talking we both acknowledge that we're not close like we once were..
Now the Alpha Female is not one to talk about "us" or her feelings, and stuff like that. I, on the other hand, AM that person. So, it was on me to lead the way on this. Instead of pushing the issue and having the conversation as to "Why aren't we close like we used to be?", I let it fester. Feelings of growing apart, etc. which led me to allowing myself to think this was "OK".
So, friends, please have "that" conversation. Even if it's uncomfortable. If I had pushed that issue then, I most likely would not have had an A.

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/27/2014 15:43 PM

LF and I have been watching the TV show, Revolution over the past few days. Time after time, we comment on the fact that so much of the drama is occurring because the characters are not having conversations. They have these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside and nobody is talking about them. They stare out into the distance and clam up like crazy.

The problem of course is that while the lack of communication works great in TV land for creating drama and subplots, in the real world, mis-communication can hurt people.

I think that to paraphrase the saying of NC equals no new hurts, in this instance, I think that NC (No Conversations) equals Hurt.

If only we would have or even now could talk about the hurts inside, then perhaps thing might be different for a lot of us.

I think that too many of us are trapped in the worry that being open and honest will be hurtful while in actual fact, the reverse is true. Not talking openly and honestly about our thoughts and feelings is creating the bigger problems in our lives.

HUFI

Anon - You can close your eyes from the things you donít want to see, you can close your mouth to the things you fear to say but you can never close your heart from the things you donít want to feel.

Darkness Falls posted 1/27/2014 16:52 PM

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.

Trying33 posted 1/27/2014 16:57 PM

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.

Exactly this ^^^^^^

MissesJai posted 1/27/2014 18:48 PM

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.
This does suck....

cantaccept posted 1/27/2014 19:15 PM

Hi JKL,

I understand what you are saying. It is so important to have those conversations, to push if you must.

So often, I would try to push, to say "just because you don't talk about it doesn't make it not so".

For you to have those conversations, it could mean a difference in the quality of your life. It has to be reciprocated. The effort has to come from both.

You know my story, too well! One sided does not work.

I hope you are able to get past this, to make this better, to improve this communication.

Just a thought but would it be easier for her to put it in writing? Would it be easier for her to read it from you?

Just thoughts...

Can

somethingremorse posted 1/28/2014 12:32 PM

Now the Alpha Female is not one to talk about "us" or her feelings, and stuff like that. I, on the other hand, AM that person. So, it was on me to lead the way on this. Instead of pushing the issue and having the conversation as to "Why aren't we close like we used to be?", I let it fester. Feelings of growing apart, etc. which led me to allowing myself to think this was "OK".

This was my M. One step further -- I had convinced myself that I was pushing. Looking back, my contributions were more like "you should do something" rather than effectively starting a conversation.

TwoStepsBehind posted 1/28/2014 15:28 PM

This is particularly helpful as I am gathering the courage to tell my BS about the true details of an event he's long wondered about.

JKL Vikings posted 1/29/2014 09:16 AM

MJ and heartbroken 0903, I feel you. I have dealt with the dismissal and eye roll. It's gotten a little better in the nearly 5 years since d-day.
cant... I'm hoping and mostly believing that our communication has improved to the point where we can address why and how we lost the closeness.

BrokenButTrying posted 1/29/2014 09:47 AM

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.

This. It sucks.

We're nowhere near five years out. We're only five weeks out.

I tried my best for years to get us to MC, he refused and completely denied there was a problem. I begged and pleaded with him to talk to me but he completely shut me out.
Now he's angry I didn't try harder and I hate myself for giving up on him.

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