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Sexist Pig Husband

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BeyondBreaking posted 1/27/2014 12:57 PM

I married a sexist.

When my husband and I got married, his wealthy grandfather gave us $60,000 for a down payment so that we could purchase a home- which we did.

My husband and I both work full time.

I have a daughter- I pay for her daycare (which is pretty much half of my paycheck), I have her on my health insurance plan. I pay for half of the groceries, all of the toiletries (shampoo, paper towels, TP, soap, laundry detergent), and all of the expenses for my daughter (camps, clothing, etc…). I will usually pay one of the bills of the household (electricity, or something), sometimes two of the bills depending on how much my husband bonuses for that month. I pay for my own gas, and if there are holidays/birthdays, I buy the gifts (this goes for birthday parties, Christmas for my family and his, birthdays for my family and his). Additionally, I pay for my own student loans every month (my only debt).

My husband makes more than I do, and used a large chunk of our wedding-gift money, as well as additional money from his grandfather to pay off his $15,000 in credit card debt (he is now completely debt free). He pays the majority of the bills around the house- he pays mortgage, half of the grocery bill (his half is more of larger chunks- we will go grocery shopping one big trip per month and he will pay for that- my half is more spread out- completing meals on a day to day basis type of thing), and the rest of the household bills that I don’t pay for. He pays for his own cell phone bill and his own car insurance (I am on my parent’s cell plan still and my parent’s car insurance and they don’t charge us for that). He spends a lot more money than I do on his own stuff- he plays video games and buys those, he drinks regularly, he uses chewing tobacco. He pays for his own gas. We have a savings account- that is leftover money from i-bonds his grandfather gave to him. My husband also usually pays for us to go out to dinner, see movies, and recently paid for a vacation we have planned in May to Disneyland (which is like 3k).

If I were to lose my job tomorrow, he could probably afford all the bills and grocery on his own. We’d have to cut back on going out to dinner/eating out and stuff like that- but the only place we would be REALLY hurting is health insurance for my daughter and I. So I keep working. I like working. I was a stay at home parent for the first 2 years of my daughter’s life (stayed at home when I lived with her dad, when I loved out and lived with my parents, and while I went back to school)- and I hated it.

So that is the basic financial situation my husband and I are in. Very little debt, we have a nice chunk of money in savings for a “just in case” fund, we have a house that we have $63K in equity in. We both work full time.

Hourly- I work Monday through Friday, get paid for 40 hours per week. My daughter’s daycare is near my work, so I do all the driving and pick-up for her (my husband works further away so him driving to daycare wouldn’t make any sense). We usually leave the house at 6:45am, I drop her off at daycare, and I am at work by 8. In the evening there is more traffic- I leave my work at 5, pick her up at 5:20ish, and we don’t get home until 6:30 (sometimes later depending on traffic). I also do all the putting of my daughter to bed (bath time, reading a book, tucking her in). Her bedtime is 8:30pm.

My Husband works from 6:30-4 on Tuesday and Wednesday, 10-7 on Thursday and Friday, and 6:30-6 on Saturday. He usually leaves the house an hour before his scheduled time, and returns an hour after his scheduled time depending on traffic. He works downtown in the city, so sometimes he sits in traffic for longer.

The problem is this: My husband expects me to do all of the cleaning in the house. All of the dishes, all of the laundry, all of the picking up garbage, vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning the bathrooms, etc… He is willing to take out the trash- and he only does so when the bin is VERY full and heavy and smells like garbage. My husband will sometimes cook when he gets home before I do- he expects me to do all of the cleaning up afterwards, save leftovers. He wants me to make him lunches.

I will try to do this stuff- but without his help, it becomes too much of a burden. For example, last week on Monday, I loaded the dishes before I went to bed. Last week, my daughter did a camp and he got home before me every single night that week- he didn’t unload the dishes once, and now our sink is full of dirty dishes. He chews, and will leave can after can of chew spit all over our living room table. He refuses to eat in the dining room with my daughter and I- and will leave his dirty dishes all over the living room table. He drinks- and will leave shot glasses, empty cups, and cups full of soda in the living room. We have a laundry basket in our bedroom full of dirty laundry. His clothes won’t even make it in there- he leaves them in a pile in the living room, where he takes them off and runs around the house in his underwear and a tank-top. He will leave poop stains all over in the toilet and expect me to clean it. One time, he woke up in the middle of the night drunk, and peed in the cat box. He left it for 2 days until I finally screamed at him about how unsanitary and gross that was, and I ended up having to clean it up (my daughter and I used the other bathroom).

There are weekends in which I have cleaned the whole weekend- only to come home on Monday to find that…and I just give up. I leave dishes in the living room too. I won’t unload the dishwasher either.

This will usually go on for about a week, then he will get PISSED at me all of a sudden. Calls me ungrateful, tells me that he pays for everything and I provide nothing and won’t even clean for him. He says that I don’t discipline my child enough and she acts like a brat, so that is all my fault too. He accuses me of being lazy, not paying attention in life, and being a greedy gold-digging wife. Last night, I went to bed at 10, and he stayed up until 2. He sent me 13 text messages at 1:45 am that I found this morning about how I do nothing, provide nothing, and am an ungrateful wife. He says that since he is spending his inheritance on me (the money for the home, and i-bonds were pieces of his inheritance from his grandfather- his dad died when he was 11, so all of his grandfather’s money is going to be split between him and his aunt), I should do all of the cleaning of the home.

I feel that he is being sexist. Before we got married, we lived in a condo, and had the same problems. He expected me to do all the cleaning of the condo and would go off on me for being lazy and ungrateful and how he did everything and I didn’t do anything.

Additionally, he thinks that I have a “cushy” and easy job, and that he works so much harder than I do. I am a LPN at a community health center. He is an assistant manager at an auto shop. While I don’t doubt that he deals with customers who are pissed off all the time and he works very hard- I deal with people who have no money, are sick and cranky, and get treated like crap on a daily basis by patients. I literally have to clean up other people’s vomit, hold children down and give them shots (and have gotten kicked and hit and one time bitten at work), and I deal with patients on a daily basis with severe psychological problems. I might get bank holidays off, but my job is NOT easy, and it is really demeaning when he acts like I have a job that a monkey could do.

I don’t even want to hear, “well you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.” Seriously- this is all people ever tell me when I complain. Do you think for one minute that I haven’t talked to him? I have talked, I have texted him, I have e-mailed him. He will say “sorry” for acting the way that he does, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Two days later, he behaves the same way. It is so frustrating. He REALLY FEELS the way he acts, which is why I could talk until I am blue in the face about how his behavior makes me feel, how it is sexist, how it is demeaning and hurtful…he refuses to listen, and he refuses to change his stance.

I just need to vent right now. I have no intention of leaving right this second and uprooting my life and my daughter’s. I am so TIRED though. I just need to vent. And hugs. There are never enough hugs. :(

nowiknow23 posted 1/27/2014 13:02 PM


Undefinabl3 posted 1/27/2014 13:28 PM


You.are.not.alone!! While our money situation is vastly different - our men are the same.

DH and I both work 40 hours a week, but yet I pay all the bills and do the budget, I get up at butt 30am to get myself and the kids ready~the dogs feed~both lunches made and anything else. He gets up 30 minutes before he has to leave.

I do all the cooking, the cleaning, and he has not gone grocery shopping in 5 years. Then i have to put all of it away when I get home.

On a daily basis he will get home and sit on the couch playing on his phone until dinner (and like yours will not eat at the table with us).

THEN he expects me to have sex with him and can't understand when i roll over telling him i am fucking exhausted!

BeyondBreaking posted 1/27/2014 13:54 PM

Undefinabl13- we should divorce them and marry each other!

My H pays most of the bills...that's it. He sits on the sofa and watches TV and drinks and plays video games from the moment he gets home. That's it... he acts so entitled. Like he worked so much harder than me all day and "deserves" to sit back and do nothing, whereas I have an easy job and I should do everything at home too.

JanaGreen posted 1/27/2014 14:02 PM

What a disrespectful asshole!

I fully admit that I am currently doing the bulk of the housecleaning, cooking, and childcare right now. That's because my husband is running his own business and contracting our house at the same time, up to and including renting a bobcat and clearing out the yard himself, digging utility lines himself, etc. So I'm cool with that considering he's working his ass off to get us in our new house and save money by doing things himself.

After my daughter was born we were both exhausted. Both working full-time and he was in the process of building up his business. Our house was a wreck and our daughter was starting to become mobile. So I told him that I was going to get someone in to clean twice a month, and I did. Best move ever. There was still a lot to do, but it took so much off my shoulders and saved us a lot of bickering.

The real problem is that your H is disrespecting the hell out of you, but I understand that you have your reasons for staying. Is there wiggle room in your budget to hire a housecleaner or will you catch hell from him for that? I feel awful for you having to deal with this crap from him. ((HUGS))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 2:03 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

MadnessMuse posted 1/27/2014 14:06 PM

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:37 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Lionne posted 1/27/2014 14:42 PM

1) cook for yourself and your daughter. Clean up your dishes only

2) likewise on laundry. Yours and your daughters.

3) designate an area for his garbage, his tobacco, his junk. If its in an area that impinges on yours, carry it there and dump it.

No way would I wait on this selfish person one more minute. He's not just sexist, he's disrespectful, mean, entitled and a slob.

Hugs to you. He's forgotten the gift you gave him! YOU!!!!

tushnurse posted 1/27/2014 14:49 PM

I am sorry that nothing you try works to change the situation. As a working mom, the last thing you need is another child to care for, which he is based on what you describe.

While I am lucky to have a spouse that doesn't really care how clean the house is, he doesn't really help much with the household chores, however in the past year he has not had downtime to help either, as he is the one that is truly running our family business of beekeeping.

I have always said, and will repeat it here, I will never remarry, and if I do I am getting a wife. Those things are AWESOME!!!

Williesmom posted 1/27/2014 14:51 PM

My Wxh was very similar to this, except that I made most of the money in the relationship.

During the winter, he would have no work. I'm an accountant, so January is crazy busy for me.

I would come home to a man that had laid around all day and done nothing. He would be pissed if I were late because "I'm hungry - cook something!"

He would sit on the couch and yell "REFILL!" until I got up and refilled his drink that was sitting right beside him.

Ungrateful asshole. Stop doing anything for him. He needs to understand that you guys are a team. We do things for the team, or the team suffers.

My next husband will want to do things for me just because it makes my life better. If he doesn't feel this way, he will not be my next husband.

Pentup posted 1/27/2014 14:53 PM

Just my opinion:

1. Get counseling together as a couple for financial things, learn how to budget together so he see where the $$ goes. You might be better off to pay some of the main bills and the two of you have a fund for gifts, etc. Financial Peace University is a good program to learn to budget together.
2. Get counseling together for marriage things like how to work together as a team, how to listen to each other, etc.
3, Get IC to help you learn to stand up for yourself and put yourself as an equal partner.
4. Pay your own cell bill and car insurance. If you are married, I (again, my opinion) think it is ridiculous to have your parents be paying some of your daily bills.
5. If he is not willing to hear you, make changes and address these things together, you really do not have much of a marriage.

Sounds to me like he is living like a bachelor and you are living like the maid.

My h tried to do that when we got married. Oh hell no....

[This message edited by Pentup at 2:55 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

JanaGreen posted 1/27/2014 14:54 PM

He would sit on the couch and yell "REFILL!" until I got up and refilled his drink that was sitting right beside him.

Seriously? Was he that rude to servers in restaurants, or just his beloved wife?

MissesJai posted 1/27/2014 15:17 PM

He will leave poop stains all over in the toilet and expect me to clean it.
That is fucking disgusting.
No way would I wait on this selfish person one more minute. He's not just sexist, he's disrespectful, mean, entitled and a slob.
X2. Stop doing anything for this man. Period.

BeyondBreaking posted 1/27/2014 15:17 PM

He would sit on the couch and yell "REFILL!" until I got up and refilled his drink that was sitting right beside him.

Seriously? Was he that rude to servers in restaurants, or just his beloved wife?

OMG, I think I would walk over there and smack him! Yelling "REFILL"?!!! Why not get a freaking bell to ding at you- seriously? Where are these entitled, selfish, demeaning men even coming from?

Brandon808 posted 1/27/2014 15:18 PM


He would sit on the couch and yell "REFILL!" until I got up and refilled his drink that was sitting right beside him.
Aw, come on! You gotta be freakin' kiddin' me!!!

I have to take issue with you calling him sexist. He has much more depth to his character than that.

His assholery extends to much more than sexism. He is a total d-bag in so many other ways.

What a tool. Seriously. If there was an emoticon for giving him the finger it would fill the screen.

TrulyReconciled posted 1/27/2014 15:23 PM

Yeah, what Brandon said. 'Sexist' doesn't begin to describe it.

I suspect some mental health issues from your descriptions which are *shocking*.

< TR is shocked


TrulyReconciled posted 1/27/2014 15:27 PM

The issue from your profile after "We had issues afterwards ..." (since OT is infidelity-free):

^^^ Dealbreaker ^^^ right there.

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 3:28 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 1/27/2014 16:10 PM

I did some math at lunch today:

Percentage-wise, I get paid for 40 hours per week. He work 50-60 hours a week (during a bad week, usually it's more like 45, but whatever), let’s average that at 55 hours per week that he works and is getting paid.

That means he works (and gets paid for) 28% more hours than I do. Therefore, however many hours he thinks is reasonable for me to spend cleaning, he would be responsible for that minus 28%.

For example, say he think that I should clean for an hour. He would be responsible for cleaning for 43.4 minutes (60 minutes minus 28%).

I'm thinking of telling him this- that for every 43 minutes he spends cleaning the house (taking out the trash, laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, picking up living areas, bathrooms, etc...)- I will spend 1 hour. I think that this is a perfectly fair compromise.

Pentup posted 1/27/2014 16:15 PM

It is. I also agree with Brandon and TR, this is more than just sexism. Though I wonder does he treat male co workers as disrespectfully as he is treating you? Entitlement issues out the wazoo.

[This message edited by Pentup at 4:15 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

hexed posted 1/27/2014 18:22 PM

many years ago, I knew an elderly man and his wife quite well. She never worked a day in her life outside the home and farm. However, she was out there in the fields with him when he needed extra help, raised the kids and kept the house.

He never balked in the slightest when she asked him to help around the house with something. He often did the dishes or brought the laundry in from the line with out being asked. He knew damn good and well she did as much as he did if not more. They were an adorable couple and he clearly cherished her. He often commented that she was always there doing the things he needed to have a good life.

When she passed away before him it was shock. His health deteriorated quickly. He passed a few months later. He said he couldn't take care of himself without her. It was terribly sad.

Take home lessons - 1. a man always needs to know how to clean his own toilet and cook his own meals or he might die early from one or more causes. 2. you should always do what your wife asks because she'll do what you need.

[This message edited by hexed at 6:22 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

caregiver9000 posted 1/27/2014 18:43 PM

I don't know that I have ever seen TR shocked... so the visual was helpful!

That being said, your H will treat you as you allow yourself to be treated. This stops when you say it stops. You have talked to him and it did not work. So what do you do? or NOT do? (I like the "quitting" on him idea.) If you quit and he has to hire someone to cook and clean for him, what will that cost? Perhaps he owes you a salary.

Biggest thing here in my mind is what do you want for your daughter when she grows up? Is this the way you want her to live? Will this message resonate with your H?

ETA: ((((hugs))))

I forgot the hugs, after you said there can never be enough hugs!!

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 6:44 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

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