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Triggers and trying not to lose it

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shatteredapart posted 1/27/2014 12:59 PM

Some quick background: WH had a EA (PA) from March '13 until Dec '13. I discovered it in Sept through cell records. In October I found out he was calling her using phone cards. December comes and I find out he was still talking to and meeting up with her because I intercepted some voice mails. He ended the "friendship" and went NC. It was to rocky at first since I took the kids and spent a few days away from home. Hardest and best thing I did. It took a week for him to really get the things I needed for him to do to try to save our marriage. We're 4 weeks out and things are progressing slowly but in the right direction. He is supporting his words with actions. He calls me from whatever location he is working at to check in and out via landline. I have total access to all finances and see all receipts and cash at the end of the day. I also have passwords to phone and phone account. He's been more receptive to my feelings and working on total transparency.
Which brings me to my trigger today. He's been having a tough time at work. His area is struggling and one location in particular isn't doing so well. So he had to leave the location he was at to drive there to see if he can figure out the problem. First issue I have is that this location is the closest one to her area. This is the location where he would often claim to be spending the day. This normally occurred almost every Monday. They would meet for lunch and hang out (mind you...Neither of them were working on their area...). So today he has to go there as pee his bosses request. Big trigger being Monday and all. To top it off he calls to let me know his boss' boss just called him from a restricted number to blast him about this location's issues. Another bomb...he's now saying that sometimes when the office calls him it comes up restricted...that he received one earlier this morning. While I appreciate his (what I hope is) honesty I'm triggering like mad. As I said... they took it underground after dday #1 with him using calling cards and then into November she started blocking her number so it showed up as 9999999 on cell account. I did tell him I appreciated him being open and honest. However, I told him that it's not acceptable to answer restricted/private calls. I don't remember there being many of those calls pre dday. So my solution is that he must block all restricted/private calls and they'll have to unblock number to call him. This makes me feel "safer". He agreed with no hesitations just asked that he be there when I do it. I said of course. So, I'm praying that he's being honest. He already knows that my boundary is anymore non work related contact with cow will result in immediate separation. I reminded him of that again today after thanking him for letting me know. So now, I wait and see while trying not to give in to fear and panic. I HATE Monday's even more now! Pray that I don't lose my mind!

karmahappens posted 1/27/2014 14:06 PM


Triggers suck. I remember being taken back to dday moments many times from them.

They do get easier and it helps to talk about them and make your needs known.

It is a great sign that your h is so open to helping you through them and understands your POV.

Sending you strength...Monday is almost over

Tearsoflove posted 1/27/2014 15:02 PM

I don't understand why he needs to be there when you do it. That would make me suspicious that he wants to see how it's done so he can block and unblock. I could see if he wanted to be there for you sending a text to OW or for you texting his bosses to explain why you're blocking restricted calls but it makes no sense that he needs to be there when you do the actual blocking.

lilflower1000 posted 1/28/2014 10:57 AM

It seems he is taking good steps to be transparent, but it seems to me he needs a new job. It is not fair to put you through all of this. I know there is every excuse in the world that he can't change jobs, but if he had the ingenuity to do all of the things he did to cover A and bring it underground, I'll bet he is smart enough to find another job and make it work. I know it won't be easy, but it wasn't easy taking all the steps to cover the A either. I notice you said no contact unless it is work related. What happens when he speaks to her and it is work related? Does he tell you the details and why he speaks to her every time? Does this trigger you? Or are you okay with him not mentioning work related contact? Honestly, you may be stronger than me, but I couldn't take my WS working with OW at all. I'd rather be in a trailer park on food stamps or in a studio apt with 6 kids. I really mean that. Stuff is not worth your sanity. Good luck to you. (( Shattered))

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