There were signs. To make a very long story as short as possible, we lost our only child in 2010 - he was stillborn. In early 2011, we got another bombshell - she likely wouldn't be able to have any more kids. I assured her we'd start a family by other means when we were both ready and stayed her rock while she fell apart and into depression. Still I wasn't exactly not destroyed myself.
Through counseling and meds, I slowly got her back. We were happy. She was the woman I fell in love with again, maybe better than ever. Then, she started a new job.
She stopped even talking about adoption. We had been discussing moving to a newer/nicer house as we had the income to do so. We started looking, then she lost interest. she worked late a lot. she went out with work friends a lot. She seemed distant around me. I wanted her to open up to me. we've been through hell and back and had proven we could do anything together. Now, she just seemed like she was barely there.
Cue a week ago. She's going out for a farewell dinner for a co-worker and she'll be home around 7. 7 comes and goes. I call and it goes straight to voice mail. she doesn't answer texts. Its not until 10:45 that I hear from her - she's on her way, and her phone suddenly works.
Almost as soon as she enters the house, she's in tears. she's confused. She doesn't know what she wants. Something is missing. I ask the question, and she just turns away, crying uncontrollably, and shaking her head yes. It's not him that we're at this point she says. She says there is nothing still going on, she just couldn't lie to me. It had happened, and that's all the details I was going to get. I don't know that I want to know more. she packed up some things and headed to her Mom's. I called my mom, then proceeded to lose my mind, crying inconsolably.
I will now refer to her as WS. She came by 2 days later because she wanted to talk. I can tell she is hurting, and I know she is so distraught over what she's done. She wants time apart from pretty much everything to just think. She's staying at her mom's for the foreseeable future. she's taken a good deal of her stuff, but there are still reminders all over our house. I can't escape her.
We left it at that we'd each take the time to figure out what we want, but that reconciliation is not off the table for either of us at this time. She actually asked about moving back in now, but as much as I wanted to say yes, there's no way that'd be a good idea. I'm using my sister as a go-between to get financial stuff worked out along with all the other heartache that goes with what is essentially a separation. I am at least thankful my mom, sister, and best friend have all been there making sure I'm not alone and helping me stay somewhat sane.
I can't concentrate. I can barely eat or sleep. I know I am drinking too much. I will make an appointment with my doctor soon about anti-depressants and I will also schedule IC through my company's EAP very soon. Today is my first day back to work and I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I've been through pain and loss before, so I know how these things run and that I will build myself back up eventually, as dark as it seems now. Still, she was always there. Now suddenly, she's not. She's my loss. Our life is my loss. The last 11 years are my loss. Her family, with whom I'd grown quite close in many cases - gone. It's like my whole life is no longer mine.
So, I'll go home tonight to my dog - she hasn't left my side all week until today. I'll break down again I'm sure. I'll try to sleep in my chair in the living room as I cannot bare to lay down in the bed we once shared in the bedroom that was ours. I'll be left with my thoughts and my memories, and copious amounts of alcohol. I need new surroundings, but cannot afford our house and another at the same time, and its gonna take some work to sell ours. I'm stuck for the foreseeable future in a place where we were once happy.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling, just had to get this out. I am so glad I found this site, but no offense to anyone here, I wish I never had reason to know about this community.
"A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to it's face."
Do not underestimate the horrific pain you're in - you are in shock. It is excruciating.
You must drink water. The better hydrated you stay the better you'll be able to concentrate. The better you'll be able to sleep. Steer clear of alcohol.
Lean into your IRL family and best friend. You will repeat the same things to them over and over. This is a necessary step in the early processing stage.
Post here often. Post every question. Post every revelation and every concern. There are old timers here who will generously walk every step with you.
Finally, during each part of this you must remember your value and worth. Her dreadful decision is a reflection of her own demons and emptiness. She must own her choices and you need to accept NO responsibility for her affair.
Stay with us. We are here for you.
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
If R is something you want, it might be a good idea to start by going to a marriage therapist together.
I'm in a similar situation and attempting R. It helped that we didn't take time apart -- your case might be different. For us, time apart would've killed the relationship because I would've been too anxious to think straight.
Stay strong. I wish both of you the best.
*Finding my strength*
She let you down, not vice versa. She has behaved inappropriately, not you.
Yes, things are messed up. You behaved with integrity, she did not. Though she may be hurting, she has wronged you.
Take the time to focus on you, your health, your job.
It will help if you focus on other things other than your wife right now.
She is damaged.
And she could have turned to you but instead went outside of your marriage. She owns that decision all on her own.
So stop blaming yourself.
Very sorry you are hurting. I think it is a good idea that your sister is your go between.
Do not let your wife home right now. You both need the separation.
And she needs new friends at work as well as a new job.
Get yourself tested for STD's as well.
I have lost count of how many WS have come to their BS as yours did. Confused, crying, ashamed and confessing some of what they've done. Her wanting distance now is not a good sign. Unfortunately many WS (as I described above) use to that "distance"
She doesn't know what she wants. Something is missing.
We left it at that we'd each take the time to figure out what we want, but that reconciliation is not off the table for either of us at this time.
Get into IC for yourself.
See a lawyer. You need to protect yourself legally.
If your WW is agreeable to it then she should get into IC herself. It seems she has some serious unresolved issues regarding the loss you described. She may view this as the change she "needs" to fix her life. It won't but she doesn't know that yet.
Take care of yourself.
I know the pain you suffer. We all know the pain. It is deep and unending. You have been betrayed by the one person in your life that you trusted more than anyone else. It is worse than anything you've ever felt. I am so sorry.
Previous posters are right. Whilst she is apologetic for her behaviour, she does not comprehend the pain you are in, only the pain she has for herself and the shame.
The fact that she has moved out with a large amount of her stuff suggests that she has checked out, at this time. She is currently waiting to see what her POS is offering. You are in limbo and are the plan B.
Whilst drinking is never a good option, it is actually what enabled me to get through the nights. I can't condone it but I understand it. It provides temporary respite from the knotted stomach and lack of appetite. It helped me sleep, eat and survive. I drank vodka non-stop every evening for 6 months. Still do, on occasion. Don't beat yourself up.
Your happy marriage is gone. You will NEVER have the same marriage again and you can't ever carry on where you left off. She has already grieved the loss of her marriage whilst you were oblivious and blissfully ignorant. Even if you eventually reconcile you will have to demand a serious amount of work from her. None of this is your fault yet she will shift the blame to ease her conscience.
It sounds as though you are exercising the 180 plan which is good. You shouldn't be her doormat nor should you be seen to be waiting in the wings. For now, this is all about you and your healing.
Post as much as you can. Every thought, emotion and feeling must be expressed if you are to heal.
This is one place where the people really do understand your pain. To this time in my life, nothing has hurt worse than experiencing infidelity.
As lost as you may seem, your words show that you do have a good head on your shoulders. Don't beat yourself up, as this was not of your doing. Not one bit. You are probably convincing yourself otherwise, but the truth is that your WW is broken. She has serious issues to address.
My best recommendation for you right now, is to read and post here often. It is usually very therapeutic. You can parallel your story with many others here. Misery loves company.
Again, sorry that you are here. But it will get better. Hold that dog tight---they can sense your pain.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Through your grief and it is commendable you did manage to sort your finances out, head ruling the heart there champ. As much as your heart is talking and your body reacting, use your head. I do agree with AAS, moving out is not so much for you but for her and her confliction between OM and you, also makes meeting him easier. Sooner rather than later you both need to sit down and have a serious talk. Good luck
1) Gather as much details about this OM as possible. Do you know who he is? Find out who is wife is. The key to stopping the affair is to tell the OMW. Phone records, pics, emails, etc. Don't tell your wife before you confront OMW, just do it, otherwise she will have time to damage control
2) If they work together in the same place, then call the HR department and let them know
3) Find out which mutual friends that you know together are aware of the A. Blast email them all and tell them that you want to work on healing your marriage and are asking for their support. Expose to her parents and your parents and family that you are both close to.
4) Confront your wife. Tell her that you love her, but are not willing to share her with another man, and that you don't believe in an open-marriage. Its either him or you. Otherwise you file for divorce. This will probably send her head reeling.
5) Insist upon no-contact with OM.
This is a good start. Make sure to take care of yourself. Things will get better. I promise