One week from my own DDay and I've not been on SI much the last week. But, here's a bit of an update:
So I was really proud of how I handled telling my H last Monday. He was working out when I got home and said it was bc he missed working out at lunch (which is an obsession of his) due to some "meetings that ran long". I said nothing and let him finish. When he did we were chatting and he said he was possibly going to have a friend over at the house later in the week (remember, we have been "S" but still living under the same roof). I joked a bit that if it was a date I could leave (and started fooling with my phone so I could bring up the picture), he said defensively "I'm not dating" and I said "really?" and he said yes, I asked "really?" again and he asked what I was getting at and I held my phone out and said "cause this looks like a date to me".
He was caught and his face flushed. He was mad. He knew my friend saw him, so I just said, "Come on, you know they're my friends...so you have to know they're going to tell me." I added, "Oh, and I do know that you also f*cked her too." He was mad. And he knew that our friend had sided with me and "sold him out".
So we talked and at first I was asking questions: the what, when, where, why...you know all those same questions the BS asked us on DDay. And he was giving me a lot of the same answers..."don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to...", etc. I asked if there was anyone else, there were at least two other girls he's been talking to. I called them by name and he admitted that one, we'll call her RM, he had also had a ONS with during this time. Now the thing about RM is that she's the girl that my H has dragged out of the closet for the last 22 years every time things have gotten rough between us. If you've read any of my other posts...she's the one he fingered, made out with multiple times (including the night before her wedding) and had very explicit sexual chats/conversations with. So now he's screwed her too. She's probably in ecstasy bc she's been in love with my H since she was 13 y/o!
Hurt, hurt, hurt. I'm not sure which hurts worse in terms of the girls. The young 29 y/o (and yes, when I referred to her as being 30 he pretended to not know who I was talking about and then said "oh E, no she's only 29") who is still pretty and built well; or the older nemesis who's been a thorn in our relationship for the entire 22 years. I guess it doesn't really matter, they both hurt for different reasons.
He had both of the ONS with two weeks of the DDay of my A. I think he feels pretty proud of the fact that he was able to get two girls to sleep with him so quickly. He's told me that he's also gotten several girls' numbers at bars and such over the last 7 wks.
So I was reeling last week (still am) and I can't even begin to put words to the feelings. I know that there are so many posts on here about RAs and until it's actually happened, it all seems to sort of make sense. About as much sense as the original A made to begin with.
One week out from this DDay and here is what I've been feeling and thinking:
1. RAs are simply about revenge and hurting a WS for hurting you. It's get hit and hit back. Doesn't change or answer why the person hit you to begin with. And it takes you WS completely out of the chance to deal with what they've done to you and adds to the mix the fact that they have to deal with what you've done to them, bc of what they did to you...yeah, have a broken spouse already...let's just break them a little more.
2. The feeling of having someone cry on your shoulder, tell you that this is the worst pain they've ever felt in their life and to know it's all bc of something you did is also some of the worst pain you can feel. And then to go and do the same to that person, knowing how painful it is and in my case for my H to do it with someone he's had EAs and been even somewhat physical with in the past is that much more painful.
3. My PA was 12 yrs ago and I've maintained NC ever since. He lives in a different town, we've not seen him since and it's all in the past. The lies and the TT made it worse for my H and it's felt fresh, but the truth is this OM is no longer in the picture at all. 12 yrs. And I know that it's a matter of trust and truth now for my dishonesty, but for what my H has now done, it's all very, very fresh. He's been texting, calling and even having lunch with some of these OW as recent as just last Monday.
4. I still am deeply in love with my H. He's my best friend and I still have a better time with him than I do anyone on the planet (when things are good). We are the same person in so many ways. We love the same things and are passionate about the same things. The only difference we've ever had that really impacted us was with a portion of our sex life. Basically what he wanted vs. what I wanted when it came to "kinkiness", if you will.
5. I have zero interest in retaliating on him and starting some horrible cycle. I never had my A to get back at my H nor even bc I didn't love him, I was just hurt and lost and broken.
6. Last night in a sincere discussion about his RAs, he said the same thing I just said in #5 to me with a lot of honesty and sincerity. When I asked him if he heard me in his words (I've said the same thing to him), I could tell that he had not. It was somewhat revealing to him. He was speechless and perhaps a bit disturbed.
7. I want badly to confront the OW and tell them I know. My H is still protecting them a bit and himself too and that pisses me off. At first I was willing to leave and truly S since he's going to sleep around, but he told me that he would stop and work on us. Which he's been reluctant to commit to.
8. I did ask that he cease contact NC with the OW. Not just the two from ONS but the third girl at work (he had an EA with her back in 2010, and he's been defending her now to me that she's "been there for him" and "encouraging him to work on his marriage"...yeah right); as well as anyone else he's talking to and flirting with. It's taken a few days/discussions but he has agreed to.
9. I want to commit to this R and I think he does too, but now we both feel that we have zero trust left in our M. I've told him that he can have any and all PWs to my emails, FB, phone, anything. I've had no one or anything inappropriate for 12 yrs. The only thing I had to hide was the fact that my A was a PA and not just an EA which is what he thought for those 12 yrs. But I've had no other contact or anything my H couldn't see. He is more reluctant and I think there probably are things he is scared for me to see. He'd blame this on me being overly jealous...but...
10. We had a "date night" on Friday. Went to a concert and had a blast. It was a very raucous rock concert and we just both let out energy. We love music and concerts, it's always been a past-time for us. We didn't talk about all of this on our way to the show nor back from it. We caught up on work, families, etc. It was nice and at the end of the show he put his arm around my waist and kissed me. First real time in nearly 8 weeks. And I let him.
The rest of the weekend was nice. We spent time together watching TV and movies. His phone has stopped dinging constantly with texts and he's not on it as much. He went out for a few hours with a friend on Saturday to a local fight and texted me during and even some pics. He even offered to not go and said he would be fine with it. We spent the day together Sunday and then Sunday night he came in to "my room" bc I had the local weather on and he sat down on the bed. After the forecast, he didn't want to leave and he kept telling me I was beautiful and how much he's missed me. I missed him too and my H is gorgeous. We kissed and made out a little, very high schoolish, but it was nice. We both were dying for more, but it felt too much maybe too soon. I think he wants me back in the room with him, but I'm not ready just yet.
Slow, baby steps for now.
We talked last night and as f'd up as the whole mess is, the stupidity of our youth, my A, his EA's and RA's, etc. we both had to admit that we deserve better than this. We have a really special connection and other people see it...and we feel it. So why have we ever tried to tear that down? He said that in some f'd up way in his mind that if he had an RA then I wouldn't be in it alone. If we were watching a movie or hearing a song and it was about A's that he wouldn't be sitting there thinking "and you did that". We'd both be sitting there thinking, "yep, we did that...and it was crazy and messed up...and we almost lost everything we are bc of some temporary, misplaced anger and resentment" but we didn't lose it. We chose it and let the anger and resentment go.
I don't know why that makes some strange sense to me. It doesn't change the hurt we both feel or what we've done to each other. But it's our damn relationship we keep saying. There is no manual or guide that says how we come through this. We have to decide. We've been laughing, talking and even slightly joking with each other.