There are times when WW says she understands she's quitting because it's the right thing to do.
At other times she blames me. When she calms down, she says it's unfair of her to blame me and that what she's looking for from me is validation that making such a major move will "count" toward repairing the M.
When she articulates it like that I'm able to reassure her that it means a lot to me. I don't know why she reverts to the other position, but we're in therapy to sort that out.
Her seemingly easy ability to go back-and-forth between owning her shit and blaming me was a supporting factor during her A. When she needed to justify her actions to herself she blamed me.
Just having her say out loud -- even if it's some of the time -- that she accepts personal responsibility for her actions is progress. She didn't seem to be able to do that in the past.
So, some progress on the NC front and some progress on the personal responsibility front. The mess is far from being cleaned up, but we're getting there.
On my end, it's been hard to stay calm when she "pushes my buttons" and says that I'm "making her do this" and "don't ever ask me about money again if you're making me quit my job" and "you don't value my career."
Ouch. They all hurt. I'm not as connected to WW as I was when I first found out about her A. That distance has allowed me to stay cool and manage my own pain.
It might not seem fair, but WW is going through hell with this job change and there's no way she'll deliver anything if I ask for support right now.
I go to work. I go to the gym. I try to enjoy our time together -- even if I haven't felt happy because of the A -- I try to see friends here and there and I'm letting time pass.
When I have free time and I start to think about the A I try to do something else to keep me busy. I got into pickling. Yes, pickling. It might sound ridiculous, but food is comforting and it passes the time.
I figure I 'wasted' so much of my life so far, I might as well take my time with the next steps.
As for my attitude toward WW, I love her. And I'm trying to trust her actions while verifying her words, and watching to make sure she wants to go in the same direction as me.
And yes, the occasional overwhelming bitterness, sadness and anger hit me like a ton of bricks, but they all pass before returning with less intensity.
One way or the other, for the first time since d-day, I think I'm going to make it :)