You've found a good place. Breathe, take care of yourself, read as much of the healing library as you can and post here.
I hope that there are people near you that you can confide in and draw some strength and comfort from.
As dark as it may seem right now, it does get better.
Welcome to a place that no one ever wants to need.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M 3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I am sorry you here. I send you hugs. This is a time that you need to worry only about you and your daughter. I wish you the best.
It's all too possible it wasn't just pretend. You and he both need to be tested for STDs. Please don't feel embarrassed, doctors have seen and heard it all. But you MUST do this.
No one says you have to make any decisions just yet. Take your time. Read and post here. We are here for you.
I don't know why it happened, and can't apologize for your husband. People are just hurtful and flawed, and manage to cut deeply those they should not. Its happened to me, and now you. We're wounded, yet have to go on.
There really is no clear "bright side", but you and I have soldiered on and been faithful and strong. We can have pride, even if we're given pain as a reward.
I'm so sorry--yes, this happens in good marriages too.
Sorry that you find yourself here. It is some of the most difficult emotions that you will ever have to process.
Unfortunately, it will be in your best interest to go into detective mode for a little bit.
Now I'm just lost. I can't trust myself...I listen to him- I know he's a liar, I know I'm so mad and still in shock....but I want to believe him when he tells me it was "just a game" that nothing ever really happened between them. Just a game with texts and shared stories- elaborate yes, but he swears- just words. Except for their little park trip. Do I dare believe him?
The simple answer is no. He destroyed your trust, and now it has to be rebuilt. Trust is earned---not given.
Do your investigating without his knowledge. You are not "going behind his back"; you are simply verifying that there are no more secrets in your marriage. Check the phone log, and see if the times and dates correspond to his story. Check his email---specifically his deleted bin.
Have him take a polygraph---not just for the answers, but to see what his reaction/behavior is to this. That is a huge indicator to his mindset. He should be doing anything/everything to put your mind to rest, so there should not be resistance coming from him. He also needs to look in the mirror, and find out why he thought he could do what he did. I have been married for about 25 years, and it never crossed my mind to behave in this manner. Why did it cross his? Validation? Ego-stroking?
He needs to find out why.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11 Heading for D
I'm with the others here as well. I believed my WW when she told me that it was only sexting/EA. It took her 3 months later (with a polygraph scheduled) to come clean about it all. There is most likely more.
Detective mode is the best thing right now for you. Like jb3199 said... schedule a polygraph and tell him when it is scheduled. Most liars come clean before the test. Watch his reaction when you tell him, if there was nothing physical then he shouldn't have anything to worry about... right? :)
My advice to you is to be very wary of anything your WH says right now even though you want to believe him. Whether or not this was actually physical is not the point. It might has well have been as far as your trust is concerned. He is going to go into extreme damage control right now and will say whatever he thinks is going to make it sound less of a betrayal than it actually was.
Only he knows how far this went and over time you will get to the truth. Contact a counselor a soon as you can and see your local doctor to make sure you are checked for STDs despite your H telling you there was nothing physical. Obviously there must be absolutely NO further contact between him and this stupid young woman from this point onwards if he is to gain your trust back in any way.
My heart goes out to you. Keep posting here so we can help you through this.
EJ
He's got a damn cheek to try to pass this off as a "game" of any kind. Tell him to get a hobby if he is that desperate to amuse himself. Start doing the 180 Heartsafire, get your power back NOW because he needs a sharp reminder how much he stands to lose by his ridiculous, immature game playing.
ETA: Check out the Healing Library on the left hand side to learn about "The 180"
EJ xxx
[This message edited by Ellejay at 9:11 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]
In any case, the lurid talking between them IS cheating, at least an emotional affair. It will likely take more time to get the full truth from him.
Do you know how they met? It is entirely reasonable for you to demand no contact in order for you to remain in the marriage.
Please take good care of yourself and your children. I pray you will find healing and peace. Take care.
E.
As for how they met...how this began....My H is in a helping profession, he is kind and tenderhearted and I believe sympathetic to a fault. She has not had a pleasant life and sought his council- a friendly ear. What I have seen started innocently enough- on his part anyway, I have no sympathy for her, her experiences are this over and over again in her life- take what someone else has and try to make that life your own. Baby steps along the way he was led further and further away from- this sounds like I'm making excuses for him I know, but I read these messages and can see the very slight and gradual changes that occurred. He was stupid and naïve...very stupid. But he is not a horrible person- it just is not in his nature. I think when he witnessed my reaction he was shocked- I don't believe that until that moment he realized what was truly happening...what a risk he was taking...what he had done.
Researching things now I realize we never set clear boundaries- we had never discussed our viewpoints on cheating. We are working on discussing what exactly we each consider cheating-his perspective was different, involving more physical things. I am a dreamer- a romantic. I believe differently- an affair is simply anything that occurs outside of your marriage- emotional attachments, conversations....anything.
I will say he has been wonderfully supportive. Encouraging me to seek any type of support I need. Willing to attend counseling- physician appts etc. He says over and over that he is sorry- that he didn't realized he was placing his family in jeopardy. That he loves me...always had, that this was never about that.
He has encouraged me to look into everything I want, monitor everything he does. he immediately put an end to any contact they have- encouraged me to read his message to her, I did not ask him to do this. He was clear- he was done. All texts and messages he receives are sent directly to my email- he has no access to the password. He is trying, I believe, to encourage and reassure me that he has no intention of having any further contact with her or anyone ever again. He maintains that our family is his focus and that he loves me deeply and will do anything necessary to restore our relationship.
Ever is a long time. But 25 years is a long time. Today I feel a bit better- reserved but better about the possibility, about our future. There is always hope....
