SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

heartsafire posted 1/27/2014 20:45 PM

I feel like a fool. Married 25 years- blessed by a surprise daughter 18 mths ago. He, other than our children, is/was my everything. The stupid thing is we were happy-- never any signs. Came home Friday from work to find my baby "talking" on Daddy's cell phone...she was messaging him....all day....every day. She was so happy they had gotten to spend the afternoon together, playing with our daughter at the park. Seriously-our daughter. The other messages were worse- explicit- detailed. Pictures of her- cute little thing! They spoke of kissing...sex, toys, positions, he picked out the colors of her lingerie (so sweet don't you think). I read them, all of them, as my head spun. This could not be. My husband would never, not ever. We had an active sex life, a good life, we enjoy spending time together- I trusted this man more than I trust myself. We had grown up together....we were living the damn fairy tail. Now I'm just lost. I can't trust myself...I listen to him- I know he's a liar, I know I'm so mad and still in shock....but I want to believe him when he tells me it was "just a game" that nothing ever really happened between them. Just a game with texts and shared stories- elaborate yes, but he swears- just words. Except for their little park trip. Do I dare believe him? I want to, I really want to. This is a wonderful man, a man I love with my whole heart, a wonderful father to our children- but now I realize I can't trust myself to know the truth. Just so lost right now....

Merlin posted 1/27/2014 21:09 PM

Shock and pain like no other, especially on d-day, especially after 25 years.

You've found a good place. Breathe, take care of yourself, read as much of the healing library as you can and post here.

I hope that there are people near you that you can confide in and draw some strength and comfort from.

As dark as it may seem right now, it does get better.

Welcome to a place that no one ever wants to need.

EB1541 posted 1/27/2014 21:19 PM

I found out after only 2 months of marriage, I can't imagine after 25 years. DDAY is a horrible day just take care of yourself. This site has helped me so much. We are here to support and not judge.

I am sorry you here. I send you hugs. This is a time that you need to worry only about you and your daughter. I wish you the best.

huskers posted 1/27/2014 21:29 PM

You are not alone. I found out 2 weeks ago. 27 years of marriage. I can't make everything better or fix it like I do everything else. You are among friends.

heartsafire posted 1/27/2014 21:37 PM

I love him- the stupid fool. Our children worship their daddy, teenage daughter, teenage son and baby girl. He is a great Daddy- lots of time with the kids, involved in everything they do. He swears there was nothing ever "physical" about their relationship...just words. But such horrible intimate words. She's single- no man but a couple of kids- imagine that. I know why she was attracted to him. He is kind, he is devoted to his kids, I thought he was devoted to me- us, brilliant and inspiring in his work. Hard to find a reason she wouldn't want someone like that in his life. But really- my husband, it had to be my husband. And why in the world would he show interest in her. I don't consider myself a boring person. We have always enjoyed each other mentally and physically...why would he not be here with me. Marriage- to me anyway- is the only forum to entertain the conversations he shared with her. Even if they were just "a game". we are not old- working into our mid 40s. Time gets a bit nuts with the new little one...but that shouldn't be an excuse...right?

Hillbilly posted 1/27/2014 21:38 PM

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I really don't know why or how someone can hurt people the way they do. You should know that you are not alone. I found out one year ago this month, that my wife was having an affair with my next door neighbor. She want talk about it. Today I mentioned that I was thinking about seeing a counseler. She got very angry and said I thought you would be over this by now. Can you believe that? They just don't get it. Anyway take care of you. Try to stay busy. Remember that it has nothing to do with you, it's not how you look or something you did or didn't do. You are the faithful one, the one who has always been there for your husband and your family. Hold your head up high, don't cry, you are above that. Think hard about what you want to do. If iyou want your marriage then try to make it work, but he has to change. Make sure he knows that. Good luck and my god bless!

Lionne posted 1/27/2014 21:41 PM

Heart. I know you are shocked. You need to do a few things. Breathe. Stay hydrated, eat what you can, liquid nourishment if that's all you can manage for now.

It's all too possible it wasn't just pretend. You and he both need to be tested for STDs. Please don't feel embarrassed, doctors have seen and heard it all. But you MUST do this.

No one says you have to make any decisions just yet. Take your time. Read and post here. We are here for you.

Justgreatnews posted 1/27/2014 21:54 PM

Heartsafire, I'm sorry this is going on. As a man, I've seen these kinds of things over and over during my life. It is not what you deserve, and not something you should have to adjust yourself to.

I don't know why it happened, and can't apologize for your husband. People are just hurtful and flawed, and manage to cut deeply those they should not. Its happened to me, and now you. We're wounded, yet have to go on.

There really is no clear "bright side", but you and I have soldiered on and been faithful and strong. We can have pride, even if we're given pain as a reward.

heartsafire posted 1/27/2014 22:08 PM

Thank you all for the support. I actually was beginning to believe I was making way too much out of this. That "just talking" and "playing a game" shouldn't be what I see as broken vows. Maybe the sites out there are right? What one person perceives as cheating isn't necessarily what the other perceives. We never discussed it...just went down the primrose path believing these evils would never find us I suppose. This hurts- it hurts to my soul. But I am strong- I will come out of this shock and I will have a chance to find my feet. Until that day I have wonderful and very busy children that need their parents and above all we are both dedicated to them. I will move forward when I can, but for now I am up...life moves on in unpredictable fashions but on it moves. My heart hurts for you all- but yes, we hold our heads hight.

heartsafire posted 1/27/2014 22:09 PM

*high!

I think I can posted 1/28/2014 05:38 AM

At this point, hun--don't believe him. He's in damage control mode. Is the other woman married? Tell the boyfriend/husband.

I'm so sorry--yes, this happens in good marriages too.

jb3199 posted 1/28/2014 06:15 AM

Heartsafire,

Sorry that you find yourself here. It is some of the most difficult emotions that you will ever have to process.

Unfortunately, it will be in your best interest to go into detective mode for a little bit.

Now I'm just lost. I can't trust myself...I listen to him- I know he's a liar, I know I'm so mad and still in shock....but I want to believe him when he tells me it was "just a game" that nothing ever really happened between them. Just a game with texts and shared stories- elaborate yes, but he swears- just words. Except for their little park trip. Do I dare believe him?

The simple answer is no. He destroyed your trust, and now it has to be rebuilt. Trust is earned---not given.

Do your investigating without his knowledge. You are not "going behind his back"; you are simply verifying that there are no more secrets in your marriage. Check the phone log, and see if the times and dates correspond to his story. Check his email---specifically his deleted bin.

Have him take a polygraph---not just for the answers, but to see what his reaction/behavior is to this. That is a huge indicator to his mindset. He should be doing anything/everything to put your mind to rest, so there should not be resistance coming from him. He also needs to look in the mirror, and find out why he thought he could do what he did. I have been married for about 25 years, and it never crossed my mind to behave in this manner. Why did it cross his? Validation? Ego-stroking?

He needs to find out why.

spond posted 1/28/2014 06:31 AM

Heartsafire,

I'm with the others here as well. I believed my WW when she told me that it was only sexting/EA. It took her 3 months later (with a polygraph scheduled) to come clean about it all. There is most likely more.

Detective mode is the best thing right now for you. Like jb3199 said... schedule a polygraph and tell him when it is scheduled. Most liars come clean before the test. Watch his reaction when you tell him, if there was nothing physical then he shouldn't have anything to worry about... right? :)

Ellejay posted 1/28/2014 06:32 AM

heartsafire - As everyone before me has said, I am so sorry you have had this terrible shock. You will find excellent support here.

My advice to you is to be very wary of anything your WH says right now even though you want to believe him. Whether or not this was actually physical is not the point. It might has well have been as far as your trust is concerned. He is going to go into extreme damage control right now and will say whatever he thinks is going to make it sound less of a betrayal than it actually was.

Only he knows how far this went and over time you will get to the truth. Contact a counselor a soon as you can and see your local doctor to make sure you are checked for STDs despite your H telling you there was nothing physical. Obviously there must be absolutely NO further contact between him and this stupid young woman from this point onwards if he is to gain your trust back in any way.

My heart goes out to you. Keep posting here so we can help you through this.

EJ

overandone posted 1/28/2014 07:00 AM

Sorry, but I agree with the others, there's probably more to this than he's admitting to. You don't discuss kissing, sex toys, positions and the colour of her f**** lingerie,as well as sending photos and explicit e-mails if it's just a game.

Ellejay posted 1/28/2014 09:10 AM

It really pisses me off when the WS describes things as "it was just a game". This is how my now ex H described his 5 year affair with my best-friend and next door neighbor. It is not a "game" under any circumstances. It is an absolute piss take and a disgusting lack of respect towards their BS, their children, their history as a family, their financial stability, their own self-respect.

He's got a damn cheek to try to pass this off as a "game" of any kind. Tell him to get a hobby if he is that desperate to amuse himself. Start doing the 180 Heartsafire, get your power back NOW because he needs a sharp reminder how much he stands to lose by his ridiculous, immature game playing.

ETA: Check out the Healing Library on the left hand side to learn about "The 180"

EJ
xxx

[This message edited by Ellejay at 9:11 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Edith posted 1/28/2014 09:35 AM

Hi Hearts, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It makes me so angry for you! I suspect there is more than "just a game," and that it was more than talking, since that was my experience as well. I was expected to believe nothing physical had occurred; sadly, that was not the truth.

In any case, the lurid talking between them IS cheating, at least an emotional affair. It will likely take more time to get the full truth from him.

Do you know how they met? It is entirely reasonable for you to demand no contact in order for you to remain in the marriage.

Please take good care of yourself and your children. I pray you will find healing and peace. Take care.

E.

heartsafire posted 1/28/2014 12:02 PM

Truthfully, I don't know if I want all of the details. I do out of some morbid curiosity I guess...but I don't. I just don't want to know that it went that far. But I believe that the possibility is very strong- and that's enough, that makes it real in my mind regardless. There was plenty of opportunity...

As for how they met...how this began....My H is in a helping profession, he is kind and tenderhearted and I believe sympathetic to a fault. She has not had a pleasant life and sought his council- a friendly ear. What I have seen started innocently enough- on his part anyway, I have no sympathy for her, her experiences are this over and over again in her life- take what someone else has and try to make that life your own. Baby steps along the way he was led further and further away from- this sounds like I'm making excuses for him I know, but I read these messages and can see the very slight and gradual changes that occurred. He was stupid and naïve...very stupid. But he is not a horrible person- it just is not in his nature. I think when he witnessed my reaction he was shocked- I don't believe that until that moment he realized what was truly happening...what a risk he was taking...what he had done.

Researching things now I realize we never set clear boundaries- we had never discussed our viewpoints on cheating. We are working on discussing what exactly we each consider cheating-his perspective was different, involving more physical things. I am a dreamer- a romantic. I believe differently- an affair is simply anything that occurs outside of your marriage- emotional attachments, conversations....anything.

I will say he has been wonderfully supportive. Encouraging me to seek any type of support I need. Willing to attend counseling- physician appts etc. He says over and over that he is sorry- that he didn't realized he was placing his family in jeopardy. That he loves me...always had, that this was never about that.

He has encouraged me to look into everything I want, monitor everything he does. he immediately put an end to any contact they have- encouraged me to read his message to her, I did not ask him to do this. He was clear- he was done. All texts and messages he receives are sent directly to my email- he has no access to the password. He is trying, I believe, to encourage and reassure me that he has no intention of having any further contact with her or anyone ever again. He maintains that our family is his focus and that he loves me deeply and will do anything necessary to restore our relationship.

Ever is a long time. But 25 years is a long time. Today I feel a bit better- reserved but better about the possibility, about our future. There is always hope....

kalimata posted 1/28/2014 12:05 PM

If you want to save your marriage, have you considered posting the OW on cheaterville.com?

norabird posted 1/28/2014 12:09 PM

I would brace yourself to learn that there was physical action here too. He may not be admitting it....but, sadly, that means next to nothing.