I don't know how to count my d days. Or i don't always count the same way.
t/j I am going to tell you my story of my d days.
My 1st d day was devastating. (duh) Then about 3 months into my healing and staying after d day (i do not call that time reconciliation; daily i was choosing to stay and trying to figure out what he had done and see what he was going to do to heal himself), my WH contacted marriedOW to tell her that he was done with her and was staying with me. If this had been a no contact letter that we had agreed upon, that would have really helped my healing. But instead, he contacted her via telephone on his first international business trip- and really the first moments when he wasn't on total transparency and lock down. I was home weathering the doubts and struggles of him being gone and he was calling her. So I think of this as my 2nd d day.
d day 3 comes probably in MC about 7 months later. I confront him on finding out about her upcoming travel to our country- which had initially coincided with a trip of ours to the same city. I thought I had this information that he wouldn't have, right? no contact and all that, right? Well, actually he had started emailing her again a few weeks before. He needed to see how she was doing because so much was in flux in her life. ah poor thing. And no one would be hurt, right? i wasn't going to find out, right? So almost separated in MC office. He told the truth on confrontation, and MC told him how wrong he was to do this. And he finally agreed to get into some real IC. (another story, but he did do IC after d day, but really band aid kind of stuff)
d day 4 (d day 2 in my sig line) comes after he reads not just friends and talks in IC about a phone sex A early in our M. He said reading NJF made him realize that would be viewed as an A by me and other folks.
end t/j
now to your questions with my hx (and numbered d days) as background.
Were they truly remorseful or did u fool yourself into thinking they were the first time?
He was sorry for what he did and getting caught between d days, but he was having a hard time getting to remorse. I didn't think we were in R for much of the time involved in the d days above. I saw the regret, but skeptical about the remorse.
What was the excuse the second time around?
2-Closure
3-checking on her, seeing how she was doing, can't she still be my friend?
4-finally figuring his shit out (not his excuse, but my interpretation)
What are the red flags of a repeat offender?
2- i was too nervous about his travel, and he told me quickly (though not immediately; he waited to talk to his IC first) on return
3-again out of the blue- i figured out by sleuthing intel on her
4- my spidey senses were finally working. i was sure there was something else because of how he was behaving. i asked and got a confession. and this was really old stuff
How did they sneak around the second time?
1- d day one- they used bberry messenger and a fake email account to stay in touch. their actual pa events were trips to other cities
2- out of town business travel to contact
3- no new fake email but very careful system of giving her the okay to email him first, and only using his work email when he was at work. and more thorough deleting of messages.
4-n/a
How many years before the 2nd?
2- 3 months
3-about 10 months from d day
4-14 months from d day
I am not sure these are the kind of d days to which you refer. To my knowledge, WH and marriedOW have not seen each other since d day. For the red flags, i really think your sense of your WS. For me, any behavior that smells of pre d day 1 behavior, will get an investigation. If your gut tells you something is off, listen. I didn't before the first d day. and now I am always checking when something is off- whether he seems distant or we are not connecting or his schedule changes or i can't find him where he should be, etc.
Good luck. Take care of yourself and trust yourself. Sorry this is so long.