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Sometimes I wonder...

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lovmyfamily5 posted 1/27/2014 23:21 PM

We are about six weeks post D day and sometimes I wonder if telling the truth about my A is counter productive :-( I know that honestly is importand and and I know that I owe it to by H. But it is just not easy. I have decided that my H deserves the truth. So tonight he asked me if I had ever sent inappropriate pictures to the OM. I REALLY wanted to lie and tell him no. I dont want another fight, I dont want to hurt my H's feelings again. We had been doing really well for the past week or so, and I dont want him to know that another man has seen parts of me. So anyway, he asked and I told the truth. Yes, i sent inappropriate pictures. Now he is hurt and angry. He is understandably upset. He said he is going to send pictures of himself to all the girls he knows to see how I would feel..he said he is disappointed and disgusted with me. I know he should be upset he gets to be. But when he said he was disgusted in me it hurt. That's what my mom used to say to me when I did things she didnt like. She made me feel like an unworthy piece of shit...and that is what I feel like now. I know my H deserves the truth and i know I need to tell him..but reactions like this just make me want to clam up. I dont want to tell the truth because then I am disgusting in his eyes. I guess I dont even have a question, I am just venting. I just feel awful. I didn't want to tell the truth, but i did and now its made things worse.

Brandon808 posted 1/27/2014 23:50 PM

I didn't want to tell the truth, but i did and now its made things worse.
He was not hurt by the actions, not the truth. The only hope you have for healing the M and having an authentic relationship is honesty.

I know my H deserves the truth and i know I need to tell him..but reactions like this just make me want to clam up.
On a basic level everyone feels this way. When we screw up in life, big or small, we don't like owning up to it because of the reaction we see others is a reflection of ourselves. It does not have to define us forever, but in that moment it is really hard. The only way to move past it and grow from it is to face those moments and take the hit. I have had my own moments where I had to accept "Yeah, I did that. I screwed up. I did x,y,z and caused hurt and disappointment in someone else."

This isn't just about your M. This is about your not letting the choices you made before dictate who you are in the future. Some of the greatest success stories were marked by failures in the beginning. You can succeed in becoming the person you want to be but for your own sake you have own who you are. All of who you are. It's going to suck at times. No denying that. We do it because we are worth. We are proving to ourselves we are worth it.

lovmyfamily5 posted 1/28/2014 00:12 AM

Brandon808- his reaction is most definitely a self reflection of myself. I am going to try to move past this and not let it define my future, but it is so much harder than the alternative. I just dont want my husband to feel such disdain towards me. I deserve it, but it still hurts.

Brandon808 posted 1/28/2014 00:23 AM

One thing to remember is that what he is expressing is his own hurt. He wants you to see and understand what he is feeling.

He said he is going to send pictures of himself to all the girls he knows to see how I would feel
When a BS says something like this it is because they feel the WS did not care about them or their feelings. The BS wonders if the WS knows and understands the BS pain. There are so many thoughts and feelings roiling in their heads it is like storm of the mind.

rekindle posted 1/28/2014 01:11 AM

I've been wondering the same thing. I lied and trickle-truthed my way through the 4 yrs since DDay #1 and every admission of the truth has been more difficult than the lies were. But I know its necessary and regret not telling him in the first place. If there is anything else you're holding back, just put it all out there. Its humiliating, terrifying, and difficult, but so so so necessary. Write a letter with a timeline and just release it once and for all. It feels a lot better to release the truth than to keep holding it in.

helplessme posted 1/28/2014 01:54 AM

lovmyfamily5,

I just dont want my husband to feel such disdain towards me. I deserve it, but it still hurts

I feel this way so much when my BH hurls back hurting words at me too

My self esteem plummets down the drain

Let's hang in there, keep the hard work going and pray for better days

((lovmyfamily5))

iwillNOT posted 1/28/2014 02:00 AM

For me, early on, I knew specifically what truths I wanted and as painful as it was to hear, each truth he told was something I could work through, integrate, and move take a (slow) step forward. Sometimes it took a while. Some things I may never work through, but my WH's honesty helped me see that rebuilding might be possible. Eventually I began to respect him for it. After all, it sure didn't make him look good, but he knew I needed it and so he tried to do it.

There were a couple things he TT'd about and that hurt much, much worse than the honest answers to my questions did. It's worth pointing out that I knew in my gut he was lying about these things and I wouldn't stop asking about them. No doubt it would have kept a barrier between us, had he not come clean. The truth has a way of coming out.

Wishing you the best.


isadora posted 1/28/2014 05:21 AM

I have lived through a lot of TT and lying the first year past DDay. I knew he was holding back, never could get WH to understand that withholding the truth was also holding me back from healing me and the M. Everytime I discovered something new, it was as if the scab was ripped off and I had to start all over.

Yes he will be angry. Is it easier to lie? Yes. But lying only protects you. Not your M and certainly not your BS. What he imagined happened is probably worse than what actually occurred. Withholding information only tortures the BS further. Is that what you want?

thecosmogirl posted 1/28/2014 10:23 AM

You will learn from reading on here that BS have a sixth sense about the whole truth.
And that the whole truth is relevant to each BS.
If yours wants every tiny detail, and you truly want to R, then PLEASE give it.
Some need more than others.
I'm one that needs every tiny detail. and I don't have it. and I will never get it. It makes me very sad because I do love my WH but, he only loves me enough to keep on with the IDKs and that's all there is....when I know different.
He does this for some of the same reasons you do. He doesn't want to hurt me any more and doesn't want me to be disgusted with him and FOO issues.
Because of this, I am no better off now than I was 7 and 1/2 months ago

foolishlycluless posted 1/28/2014 12:36 PM

There were a couple things he TT'd about and that hurt much, much worse than the honest answers to my questions did. It's worth pointing out that I knew in my gut he was lying about these things and I wouldn't stop asking about them. No doubt it would have kept a barrier between us, had he not come clean. The truth has a way of coming out.

I have lived through a lot of TT and lying the first year past DDay. I knew he was holding back, never could get WH to understand that withholding the truth was also holding me back from healing me and the M. Everytime I discovered something new, it was as if the scab was ripped off and I had to start all over.

TT is the worst. You need to prepare a timeline and confess everything at one time, as soon as you possibly can. It will be easier on your BS. And long-term, it will be easier on you.

Remone posted 1/28/2014 14:06 PM

((Lovemyfamily5))

Good job for telling the truth. It is so hard as WS to do that at the beginning. Lying is so second nature to us. I like to think of it as laying my soul bare to my wife and letting her see who I was and the bad choices I made. It gives her the choice to do what she will, but at least she knows what she is dealing with and can choose to continue. I'm lucky in that I am pretty sure she is so compassionate that she will love me, not those things, but me and the fact that I am being honest. It wasn't always like that though. At the beginning she was so scared and so fragile that her reaction was a lot like your husbands. She is building strength in herself though. Doesn't mean she is like that all the time either, she needs to be allowed to express her pain and anger and I need to listen and be there. That can be so hard at times. It's a process and you are just at the beginning. Be strong, be truthful, be vulnerable and remember your husbands pain.

lovmyfamily5 posted 1/28/2014 16:21 PM

I know I need to stop being so selfish and I remember that I did this to him. It is hard on me to see him hurt and to know that I am the one that made him hurt. I get lost in my own pain sometimes because admittedly so, I am selfish. My selfishness is such a huge part of what brought us to this point to begin with. I understand that there is a problem within me that caused me to have the A in the first place. I know that I need to find out why and I need to fix it with counseling. Im sorry, genuinely, that I have caused him this pain. Every time something new comes up he gets angrier than the first time. I hope that we can get through this in one piece. At this point, I dont have anything else to tell him. I dont think he believes what I say even when it is the truth.

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