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Is this sense of security false?

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RyanCL posted 1/27/2014 23:37 PM

We started MC and it seems to be going well. At home things have gotten back to an almost normal state. With the exception of us trying to talk more about actual feelings. We've gone on a couple very intimate dates, and stayed up talking and sharing. But this can't be real right? I'm just not sure I'm ready for it to be ok between us. I'm also worried that if I start to let myself love him again he'll hurt me again. I'm scared. More scared today thinking about all that could hurt me in the future then I was trying to decide to stay or go. How do you stop yourself from falling in love with the person you wanted him to be all along?

deena04 posted 1/28/2014 11:26 AM

It is normal to not fully trust yet. I bounce back and forth between love and hate with my WH. I think you should focus on you and you will find out what you need to do.

karmahappens posted 1/28/2014 13:47 PM

I am concerned that things are "going back to normal"

Your husband had an affair with your friend 4 years ago.

Less than a month ago he has a ONS with yet another friend.

What has he done to figure out what his issues are?

I don't think you are safe in this marriage until he gets some IC and figures out what his issues are. He cannot be trusted.

He saw what this did to you 4 years ago and he thinks so little of your pain that he does it again?

Where is your anger? There would be no "getting back to normal" in my household.

He isn't sorry, he is a cheater that hasn't figured out his shit.

(((hugs))) to you, I am sorry if I come across harsh, but this isn't even close to being ok or over.

RyanCL posted 1/28/2014 22:42 PM

He is getting counseling, we are getting counseling. My anger is here but I choose not to live it every second of my day. When I'm angry I let myself be angry, but I refuse to stay that way all the time. I don't trust him. Not even a little. That's why I'm having a hard time with the feelings that have started to grow from our counseling and trying to fix ourselves and our marriage. He is doing counseling and trying very hard to figure out his issues which I respect. It's the only reason we haven't divorced. But us going through all this is giving me mixed feelings.

creativecat posted 1/29/2014 21:54 PM

I think it is normal to have moments where you kind of "forget" about what has happened, but what you are doing is denial. It is exhausting and painful and infuriating to think about the A. And if it's not a deal-breaker for you, then you're going to wrestle with your feelings.

It's OK to be hopeful and feel good about IC/MC and moving forward, I think, if you are seeing some good progress already. Is your WH pushing you to be on some kind of a healing timetable? Your latest D-day is so recent, you'll likely have a roller coaster of emotions, including love and anger and hate.

We are 8 months from Dday#2 (7 yrs from Dday#1) and I am just now starting to feel like I can trust my fWH again. But I felt love for him, for all the good memories we have of our marriage, pre-A, just weeks out from Dday. I also know that I am much stronger this time around, and I am holding him accountable. I would not hesitate to walk should he break his wedding vows again.

RyanCL posted 2/1/2014 00:09 AM

He's isn't pushing anything right now. He's so scared I'll leave that all he's asking of me is to stay and try. I think I'm the one pushing myself to heal. I'm holding him accountable and in our last MC I let him know I will not hesitate to leave if he ever violates my trust again. I just hate this vulnerable feeling. I can't stand it and want to find a way to cope so I can feel in control again. My life feels like it's been put on it's side and I just can't get it up straight again. I don't do hurt very well so I need to find a way to deal. Not to forgive and let go with him so much but just find a way to be at peace in my own head. Does that make sense?

SpotlessMind posted 2/1/2014 11:04 AM


I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I think your fear is completely natural and even healthy at this point. Your husband cheated on you, twice, with your friends. This last time was recent, and with your best friend. You have a right to be fearful of him and other loved ones hurting you.

I'm assuming he was intoxicated this last time as well? If so, is he talking to his IC about why he abuses alcohol? Setting limits for himself? I was an alcohol abuser in the past, and it definitely contributed to poor choices for me. I think that is something that needs to be addressed. If your husband was drunk on NYE, then your emotional safety depends in part on your husband tackling his mis-use of alcohol.

Also, are you in IC? I hope so. This kind of trauma is devastating. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your mental health. Do you have good coping mechanisms in place for when you are feeling especially down/stressed? The gym? Journaling? Walking the dog?

Your husband may truly be remorseful, and that can help, so, so much. Don't be afraid to ask him for any and everything you need to feel safe.

ETA: I understand not wanting to experience the hurt, but the only way through it is through it. I tend to try to rein my emotions in too, and my therapist always calls me out on it. Let yourself cry. Just know, as you do, that you WILL get through this. Journaling your pain is another great way to allow yourself to feel the sadness, and then heal.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:09 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

RyanCL posted 2/1/2014 11:28 AM

Thankx for the kind words and support. Yes we are both getting counseling and he has so far set very strict limits for himself with alcohol and kept them thus far. I'm trying to find coping mechanism at the moment. I've tried journaling and cleaning which was always my go to when stressed. But now past the everyday cleaning making sure the house is clean I get defeated and don't want to do any more. My therapist said she has noticed I don't allow myself to feel certain things and she wants to start tackling that. I'm very wary of everything right now and feeling this kind of pain is new ground for me. I'm so thankful I found you all. You've been so helpful!

SpotlessMind posted 2/1/2014 12:57 PM

More ((((hugs)))). And of course you are wary. Understandably so. When you experienced these kinds of traumatic feelings before, there were serious consequences that resulted in you taking radical steps to end the pain. So self-protection mode makes sense.

I'm glad you will be tackling this in a safe place, with your IC. I hope you also have a support network in place for yourself.

You can do this. It's hard, and it hurts like hell, but it is completely do-able. Just take it one day at a time, and cut yourself some slack. Everything you are experiencing is completely normal.

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