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reallystruggling posted 1/28/2014 00:02 AM

Xwh and I are nc except for kid stuff. But he takes every available opportunity to be a dick (by commission or omission).
I know I closed the bakery, divorced him and am the cause of everything wrong in his universe. But seriously, it's been years. He has a new bakery (new wife and at least one mow) so when does he stop giving me shit at every corner? Really. I don't poke the bear. But his anger seems to have no end and it's invading my peaceful life. Any suggestions on diffusing a NPD asshole?

nutmegkitty posted 1/28/2014 07:59 AM

Crickets. The silence is the best thing to give them because it drives them CRAZY not to be able to engage you.

I know it's hard sometimes but really, no response is the best response.

EvenKeel posted 1/28/2014 08:05 AM

Like you...mine ex can be a real azz. I just do not interact with him when I can help it. I think we might text once a year.

Other than that, I send him an invoice monthly for his share of expenses and that is it.

Of course, that is kid-age dependent. They are both old enough to coordinate functions directly with him.

The older they get - the less involvement you will have to have.

SBB posted 1/28/2014 08:10 AM

Accept that you cannot control his fuckery but you do have control over how much it impacts you.

Right now its like you're asking how to make the sky green. It is simply not going to happen.

It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Comfort yourself that his life is so shit that he STILL needs to demonise you.

Trust me I know it is easier said than done but for me having a rueful chuckle at his fuckery has helped me step back and see that he is just an annoying POS and that will never change.

Post your responses here - make them venty, angry and/or funny as hell.

What I would like to say to him?
Far out. Show your dick some respect, dude. At least pretend your life is better this way. Sheesh. A little pride wouldn't hurt you. Hell even the false pride would do the trick.

What I do say to him?
<< >> Nothing.

**Crickets - not the juicy ones, the skinny runt ones**

Thelastknight posted 1/28/2014 10:01 AM

Been going on for over 5yrs for me. NPD is not very not forgiving....

reallystruggling posted 1/28/2014 19:51 PM

I know to give crickets when he's being a raging asshole. And I can address the issue at hand without engaging in his mudslinging. But in your collective opinion, does giving crickets to a NPD - ALL the time spur them to be more forthcoming and civil in communication? Or just piss them off more? (I tend to think the latter). I know, I'm trying to change the sky to green. Honestly this shit is wearing me down. I wish i could but I can't just shrug it off - it's freakin constant. And he is so awfully manipulative and neglectful of my kids, I feel like I'm always ticked off about him.

SBB posted 1/29/2014 05:48 AM

If you ignore him he is NPD whilst you are gradually working towards detachment.

If you don't ignore him he is NPD and you're participating in the crazy dance.

Detachment isn't reached with just NC as in contact with or engaging with them. It is with detaching your reactions from their actions.

Fake it till you make it. At first I was enraged by everything, then only some things. There are still some things that can enrage me now but it is in a different way. Mostly I just cringe and think: "ugh - so annoying. So typical!".

I made a conscious effort to not allow his fuckery to impact me. Not just in ways visible or discernible to him but in ways that were discernible to me.

You cannot control or change how he rolls. Work on modifying your self talk. EXPECT him to be an arse about everything. Maybe once in a blue moon you'll be surprised when he isn't.

Surrender. This is who he is. This is how it is going to be. Whether you drive yourself crazy and gouge out your own eyes OR you ignore it all and come to accept it won't change what he does or how he conducts himself.

This is how he rolls. Take your focus off him - he's a lost cause. You're not.

PhoenixRisen posted 1/29/2014 11:13 AM

oh this is tricky. Yes, crickets are best but it doesn't sound like it's working in your case.
NPDs thrive on attention so your silence could go one of two ways:
1. He'd either turn elsewhere to get that attention (yeah!)
2. He'd get pissed because he still views you as supply.
It sounds like the latter.

So I'd play into that role (because sadly, you have no choice) and deflect him by giving him small amounts of praise.
You can start a reply with "good idea..." then put in any info or request I need about kids. And I try to keep it to simple sentences (not elaboration).

Once NPDs remarry, and that relationship shifts from idealization to devaluation, you will no longer be in the angry spotlight - the new spouse will - that should reduce the amount of interaction you have to engage in.

Hang in there! Each year the kids are older and you no longer need to share info.

reallystruggling posted 1/29/2014 17:01 PM

Thanks all. Nobody gets this like you do!

Some days I just feel totally worn out from his bullshit and lament that I have more than a decade of joint custody ahead of me. I got myself out of the marriage but my kids and I still have to deal with the NPD SA asshole and his constant manipulation, anger, projection, lies, history re-writing and reviving, blameshifting and general fuckupedness.

I likely will be venting for a while. So, thanks!

woundedby2 posted 1/29/2014 17:30 PM

You're doing the right thing by being NC with him. This is the only way to handle the NPD.

If you begin paying attention to him and opening up communications, you will only signal to him that you are, once again, a good source of supply. He will sense the weakness, much like a shark is attracted to blood in the water.

Can you elaborate on what kind of behaviors he's engaging in that are affecting your peace? Maybe we can offer some practical advice.

fireproof posted 1/29/2014 18:22 PM

I think a part if it as my ex is mad at ME for the affair and divorce is the fact that they are miserable and need to place the blame- surely they were justified to have an affair, marry the OW etc. It is secretly all your fault- only kidding!

I would say that is nice send me an email and walk away.

Good luck! The OW started answering the phone so I get to talk to her

[This message edited by fireproof at 6:23 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

NaiveAgain posted 1/30/2014 08:51 AM

But in your collective opinion, does giving crickets to a NPD - ALL the time spur them to be more forthcoming and civil in communication? Or just piss them off more? (I tend to think the latter).
Why do you care if you piss him off? My psychoX is ALWAYS pissed off at me. I learned while being married to him that all it took was for the weather to change and he would attack me for not understanding him or doing something to mess him up. I have no control whether mine is pissed or not, my actions make no difference. If he feels like being pissed, he will, no matter what I do, and since he has decided I am the root of all evil in this world, he is always pissed. I don't care. I am waiting for him to have a stroke from being angry all the time.

Ashland13 posted 2/2/2014 06:58 AM

This is something I face on a daily basis. The good days are when I don't hear from Perv.

Recently I got so tired of the antics that the crickets got out of the box and I semi-broke NC.

I told him electronically: "Look.DD is struggling and your anger is not helping. Put the anger away so you can listen."

For a time it seemed to work because the rest of the week went by with no word from him or an apology that didn't mean much by now. But at least the next message about DD was better, trying to say he cared and wanted to help, but he won't because it would mean changing some of what he does.

I won't be able to say an NPD person can be diffused for long, but there are ways. I admit I don't give crickets as often as I should, because I mentally can't. I was walked on 20 years and now I speak up, much to Npd x's chagrin.

An IC told me once too, that x is simply angry with the world and aims it at me, which really helped to hear and made sense because days would go by with NC from me and he was already mad!

My own opinion is that I think x`s are a sort of safe place people put anger sometimes and then they don't have to blame themselves, like a safe haven for ranting because for a time, we might have accepted it and even tried to fix it for them.

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