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So Confused, Don't Know What To Do

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lostprego posted 1/28/2014 08:55 AM

Well, I'm new here and this is my first post. I guess I should start from the beginning. A little over a year after I started dating my WH and we moved in together, I found out that he enjoyed emailing and sexting other women he meets on CL or AFF. We worked together to figure out how to stop it. He started going to SLAA meetings and individual counseling. Things got way better, hard of course at first, but we were healing.

Fast forward two years later and we are so happy. We bought a house together, found out we were expecting, and finally walked down the aisle. I was on cloud 9, so happy, people commented freely on how amazing our love for each other shined through.

Or so I thought. Last Tuesday night, our laptop wasn't working correctly and my WH was at work so I was attempting to fix it myself. I did and that's when I stumbled on his secret life. He'd really never stopped the interaction and he even emailed a women about physically meeting up with her two weeks after our wedding!

All hell broke loose when he got home but he refused to leave the house. He called his sponsor and has gone back to SLAA meetings every night since and has a IC session this morning. He's acting remorseful and is clearly in pain for all the pain he's caused me. He finally admitted that he did actually meet this woman weeks after we were married and slept with her. Then had zero contact with her afterwards because of the guilt he felt. He swears she's the only one he's physically ever touched.

Well, I'm dying obviously and so confused. I've already started IC myself and she comforted me by telling me that I don't need to make any hasty decision especially being 7 months pregant. I'm trying to practice the 180 and I was doing well with it till this morning. I woke up around 4:30 AM because I had an itch on the back of my thigh and I had to lift my leg up really high to scratch it. That alone triggered me to lose it because he always wraps my legs around him during lovemaking. I got on here and starting reading through the forums to try to calm myself and lasted about an hour. Then I went to him and curled up on his chest and just sobbed. I feel so stupid. The one person I want and need to comfort me is the person that did this to us. The only support I have is my counselor and this forum so far. I can't tell my family or friends because if there's even a chance of R I don't want them to hate him.

How do I go on? How do I get through this? I keep beating myself up now because I broke and went to him. Is that normal to want your WH to comfort you? Sorry, I don't know, I'm just dying inside and to top it off I'm worried about my baby cause I can't eat or sleep.

strangeasfiction posted 1/28/2014 09:29 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, lostprego. I'm in the pretty early stages myself and so I might not have the best advice for you. However, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. Drink enough water. Eat enough. If sleeping next to your husband causes too much stress, don't. If being in the same room as him causes too much stress, don't. I've had lots of sleepless nights lately and I know how hard it is to just "get enough sleep" but it's important nonetheless.

Peace and strength, lostprego. You will get though this.

lostprego posted 1/28/2014 09:37 AM

Sorry, I guess I should've mentioned that we aren't sleeping in the same room right now. He's been sleeping on the couch. That's what makes me hate myself even more for going to him this morning for comfort. I let a moment of weakness get to the better of me.

scarednbroken posted 1/28/2014 09:45 AM

Your story is very similar to me - 20 years ago. Only he's older than me... I was pregnant when I first suspected. But I didn't do anything. Not until my son was a few months old and I got the dreaded phone call.

At this time you are highly hormonal as well as emotional. Now is not the time to make major decisions. BUY don't put off what needs to be done too long. I did. You need your family. Don't cut them out. Talk with one person to be your ally. I didn't. I wish I did. Choose someone who can respect your decision to R and forgive. You need someone. Trust me. Your iC will help but they aren't someone you can call at 2am. Or go see at 8pm. You will need that person. I'm not sure how different things would be for me had I chosen to speak to my mom back then. I don't know if my WH would have been able to change or if he would have kept on. But I know I needed someone.

Your health and the baby are priority.


norabird posted 1/28/2014 09:46 AM

I feel so stupid.

Please don't let yourself feel stupid. It's hard, because you're yo-yoing back and forth--you want to go back to being able to rely on your WH to give you comfort, you want to trust that his comfort MEANS something, and then you almost simultaneously feel like an idiot for having that yearning after what they have done to you. But take comfort in knowing that this is normal! It is not that you're broken, or have no self-respect, or are weak. You are hurt, and your whole concept of your life has changed, the ground beneath your feet is gone--so don't beat yourself up for how that leads you to turn to him. If you and he can have true R, your WH WILL be the person who can help comfort you; you will also find ways (I hope!) to reach out to a wider support network, to treat yourself well on your own. IS there someone you can trust to tell? Think about it. Or can you reach out to friends without specifics simply asking for their support? What do YOU need, besides the steps of his going back to meetings? How can you get it?

Hugs to you. You are strong, I promise. Forgive yourself for those hurt moments of reaching are only human. You seem to know you deserve better, he doesn't seem to be blaming you; dig deep for strength, and come here whenever.

lostprego posted 1/28/2014 09:57 AM

He's definitely not blaming me. He's taking responsibility for every action that he's made and is also an emotional mess. He's angry with himself that he thought he had beat this way back when and thought he didn't have to continue with the SLAA meetings cause he had it under control. He's doing everything right so far that the WH is supposed to be doing to help me heal. Answering every question, not getting defensive, offering up ways that can help me trust him on certain things, asking me if there's anything he can do to help. It's almost making it worse. Like if he cared so much then how in the world could he sleep with someone else. He said he completely detached and it was like looking at someone else doing it. Like an out of body experience. Ugh, just typing this is making the pain sear again!

Hannah25 posted 1/28/2014 11:29 AM

I've been having the exact same feelings. The one person that I need when I'm hurting is the person who caused so much hurt. It feels wrong, but so much better at the same time.

kalimata posted 1/28/2014 12:17 PM

He is a low-life lying cheater. He will continue to do this to you and clearly has no remorse. Going to MC at this point will be a waste of time. He needs to be shown the door, and how much his life will be impacted if he continues this foolish pattern.

Hold tight to the 180 principles. Don't give up. Here are some other suggestions:

1) Demand access to all of his passwords
2) Ask for access to his calendar. Know where he will be all the time.
3) Activate the GPS feature on his phone so you can track him all the time
4) Secretly install a keylogger on the computer - it will help to see if he falls back into his old pattern
5) Ask him to submit to a polygraph
6) Tell him to get tested for STDs and to provide you with a copy of the results
7) Make a list of all the OW in his life. Name address phone # email. Block all of these OW from his phone and email service.
8) Make him give you passwords to the old email addresses. Change the password, and secretly monitor them to see if any other OW show up.
9) Create a new email address for him - this is the only one he is allowed to use. Make sure to block the addresses for former OW. Gmail has a great filter feature that lets you selectively block people.
10) Post-nup? Have you considered?

If he refuses to any one of the above, then simply go to your lawyer and file D papers.

movingforward13 posted 1/28/2014 12:26 PM

He cheated on you during your "honeymoon" period of your marriage.... unfortunately he is going to continue. He does have a problem and he needs to continue getting help, but he also needs to be transparent and give you access to everything.

Unfortunately in your case, I don't see him changing. He hasn't had any consequences so after the storm of your emotions has passed, don't be surprised if you find yourself in this situation again. He needs to feel remorse, he needs to understand how this affected you, he needs to get why AFFAIRS are a bad choice. Many waywards do not get this without consequences of their actions. Many unremorseful waywards wait until things settle then resume their behavior.

Regret is about how he feels about what happened. Remorse is his feeling about causing you pain. I think your wayward is regretful, but not remorseful. Stay with us and continue reading while you figure out what you are going to do.

k9lover1 posted 1/28/2014 12:36 PM

The most important thing right now is you and your baby. Make that a priority, get your rest, make sure you eat.

As far as your WH, who knows where that will go. It doesn't look good at this point because he is a repeat offender. He knew how much it hurt you, yet he did it again. This does make it look like this will be the life you are facing if you stay with him, but that is not set in stone at this point.

You take all the time and all the counseling you need to make the decisions that are right for you.

And don't feel bad about seeking comfort from him, that is so understandable. You are hurting and you need comforting.

Hang in there, it will get better and the path will become clearer.

lilflower1000 posted 1/28/2014 13:35 PM

Please find at least one close friend or family member to confide in. You need someone to be there for you. Like others have said, do not let this affect your health or the health of your baby. Be sure you are drinking enough water and eating right. Exercise too. It helps with anxiety as long as you have doc's okay.
Believe nothing he says! He will say anything to cover his tracks at this point.
Do all of the things Kalimata listed. There are all kinds of apps to help. I used an SMS tracker. I wouldn't have believed what I found using the tracker if anyone would have told me. The app gives you access to all texts and his location. I think you can even get voice calls recorded, but that part didn't work for me.

You are not stupid by any means. Most normal women go to their husbands in a difficult situation, but in your case he is the one inflicting the pain. It sucks all the way around. Find a close friend to lean on. You will be surprised how much it can help
You and your baby need to be the main concern right now. Period! ((Lostpreggo))
I would see a lawyer too get information too. You don't have to get a D and even if you start the process you can stop it at any time before trial. It will show your serious. You need to be sure your baby is taken care of. Sorry, but I have heard too many false R stories. Myself included.

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