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Newest Member: nashter (45713)

User Topic: I know a wayward of the worst variety...
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It hurts me to even write this but my sister is also a wayward; a wayward of the worst kind with so many As behind her we’ve given up trying to keep track. Her second D was finalized last week so I was pulled in once again to the chaos and tragedy that has become her life. This was the most gruesome D I’ve ever seen (almost as bad as living through my own parent’s D), with her spewing out 18 months of pure vengeance, hate and anger towards her ex-husband. Her BS also happens to be the father of her two young kids who have been caught in the cross-fire and are being forever changed by what is happening to their family.

I haven’t talked to my sister in almost 2 years since her last DDay. It’s too painful but I got pulled in as my ex-brother in-law sent out a note in exasperation with a summary of the latest emails he received from my sister. Even now, 18months later, it is pure bile. She continues to torture him, name call him, belittle him, and generally express hate toward him with everything she has. All of this seems to be stemming from her rage that he discovered her As and after realizing she wasn’t remorseful in the least, decided it was a deal-breaker (gee, go figure?).

She’s spiraling out of control – partying, more men, thriving on the anger, and I can barely approach the subject it hurts me so much, both because how bad the situation is and also because of where I am personally, putting my own family through the trauma of my LTA.

But as part of my own treatment, I’m spending a LOT of time in self-reflection and I’m learning to not close the door on my feelings as a knee-jerk reaction and instead THINK to myself. And here is what I thought.

The book I’m reading talks about a dramatic “switch being flipped” on DDay for a lot of waywards. Once we’re thrust into the reality of our actions – the betrayal, the lies, the whole life crashing down thing – we KNOW at that point where our heart is. The switch is flipped – sometimes toward the family and sometimes away.

So in a weird way, I’m grateful for the vengeance I’m watching from my sister, because it reaffirms that the exact opposite is taking place within me personally. She hates her BS, I love mine. She used her DDay to walk away from her family, NOT take responsibility for her actions and is spiraling out of control into an ever-darker fog. My DDay woke me up from my destructive path, I’m using every moment to invest in my family, spend time – QUALITY TIME – with my children, help my wife with her own healing and probably most importantly, I am knee-deep in IC to emerge from this a changed person that can be relied upon – for the long haul!

Sometimes it takes the worst examples to realize we’re on the right path. This is important to me as there is no “official guide” to surviving this, so everything is contextual in a post DDay world and I can’t imagine for one second behaving like my sister…


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifully explained. You brought a tear to my eye. I needed to read this today. Makes me feel thankful for my FWS.
Thank you


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
lilflower1000
♀ 36634
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure feel sorry for your nieces and or nephews. It is so sad to see people put their kids through such hell.
Good luck to you. Praying for those innocent babies caught in this mess.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 9:41 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying: I know exactly what you mean. My BH questions me on how I can be so critical of my brother for his As. But in my heart I know that what I chose to do isn't who I am. It isn't who I want to be, and it isn't something I ever want to chose again. My brother also shows no remorse. He regrets the pain, but refuses to change the behavior.

He started his current relationship before his second D was finalized, and has already started having the same issues. New BGF (it's only a matter of time) has started commenting on his behavior. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and another firmly up his a**. Talk about entitlement. He's the golden-child who can't stop messing up, and our NPD mother loves it because she gets to swoop in and rescue him.

You have so eloquently put it.

The switch in our hearts that flips.
I love that. Thank you for posting this. It is absolutely true. My brother doesn't want his choices to hurt, but doesn't see that they will if he keeps doing the same thing. It is the definition of insanity, is it not? Whereas, I see how my choices hurt my BH, me, us, and the APBS, and I NEVER want to inflict that pain on anyone ever again.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 488 | Registered: Dec 2013
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book I’m reading talks about a dramatic “switch being flipped” on DDay for a lot of waywards.

What is the book? I'm interested.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like this concept of the "flipping of the switch" for being the point at which we know where our hearts are at. Sort of explains a lot of WS situations here on SI when BS's ask "how can he/she have made such a drastic change" (meaning dropping the A and turning things around so quickly after so much damage has been done).

I think that there is another analogy for many others though, and that is "hitting rock bottom", which is different for all of us.

In your sister's situation, she hasn't hit rock bottom, and from the sounds of it, she may never get there. But at some point in the future, she may realize what she has done, and that will be her rock bottom.

So many WS just can't accept what they've done. It's always someone else's fault. I see these situations and recall how I spent a lot of time trying to find some way to make it all someone else's fault. I certainly could not have been the one responsible for my EA and the subsequent damage that ensued. So, d-day(s), there was a flipping of the switch which lead to a long period of crazy-making, but then I hit my own rock bottom.

Another example...a family member (FIL) left his family for the OW and they've been married for decades now. He hit his rock bottom after probably 20 years or so. At that point, he was able to "admit" that he made some very bad decisions. Since he can't change what he's done, he is trying to do right by everyone now and has been more involved with his kids lives over the last 10 years than the previous 20 before.

IDK...I guess I tend to hope the best for all of us. I'm glad your switch was so sudden and in the direction of your family. Those who switch and move away from family may not be doomed forever to be the nutso WS who'll never get it though. But by the time they get it, it might be too late and they will be left alone and hurting with noone to work through their pain with. Sad.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
somethingremorse
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is the book? I'm interested.

I think its "NOT Just Friends." Just read that chapter in the last few nights.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book is "Not Just Friends" and even for a wayward like me who is not in reconciliation, not allowed to talk to his BS (her choice, NOT mine) and not living with his family, it has a LOT to offer to my own healing process.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Selfish77
♂ 40049
Member # 40049
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book I’m reading talks about a dramatic “switch being flipped” on DDay for a lot of waywards. Once we’re thrust into the reality of our actions – the betrayal, the lies, the whole life crashing down thing – we KNOW at that point where our heart is. The switch is flipped – sometimes toward the family and sometimes away.

This really resonates with me. May I ask what book you are reading? I would like to explore this further... Thanks!

Oops.. I see this has already been identified... I should have kept reading before posting!

[This message edited by Selfish77 at 6:00 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]


Me: WS 36
Her: BS 37
Started dating: 1997
Married: 2003
2 boys under 6 years old
DDay1 3/25/13
Dday2 7/21/13 via TT
Dday3 7/26/13

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was drama today on this front as my sister (the wayward of the worst variety) just found out about my own A. This was an emotional roller-coaster for me as my mom was the one who shared the news with her (they were planning Easter schedules and my mom had to explain why my wife was not travelling with me and the kids).

So my sister writes me a pretty hateful email last night as the first contact we've had in over a year and it says "You're a hypocrite and I've decided to tell all my friends on Facebook about your A".

You can imagine the emotions. First I was in a panic - "OH NO, NOT A FACEBOOK POST ABOUT MY A!" then I was angry, "My vengeful sister, what gives HER the right!" then I got angrier, "WHAT was my mom THINKING by telling this nut about my A!?!"

And then I took a walk. I breathed like I've been taught and I talked to myself.

People finding out about my A is just reality. It's one of the many consequences of me choosing to have a horrible, disgusting, destructive A. I did this, so pretty tough to get angry about people TALKING about it. I can't control my sister or my mom anymore than I can control the weather, so this is just one more bump in the road I have to deal with in my own recovery.

And then I prayed. I prayed that my sister some day gets the help she needs. If telling people about my A provides her some momentary release, then good news. Unfortunately, we all know where anger gets you and I just hope that one day we can be a family again.

I had to share because any time I can go from fear, panic and anger to prayer, compassion and love in a single session, it reminds me of my own success with the person I am starting to become.

I hope everyone's Sunday is off to a good start!


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pfh, I'm sorry your sister is looking at your situation as a means to hurt you. It's really not a pleasant reality.

As much as I admire your stance to just let her do what she'll do, and while its not what you'd like, you're accepting of it, how is your BW going to feel about this? She may be very humiliated if this information is publicized. If this is the case, is there any chance you could speak to your mother and see if she might explain this to your sister?

Also, you might ask your mother if she could, in the future, simply tell people you and your wife are dealing with some issues, and leave it at that? Perhaps the details aren't necessary?

((((Prayingforhope))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've learned that we cannot control others. We can only control ourselves. And we can, truly, choose how we ultimately feel and react to a situation. Mastering that is like having a superpower.

This, however, is a valid question:

WHAT was my mom THINKING

Have you asked Mom? Because her answer to this may dictate your relationship with Mom going forward. She may not be trustworthy with sensitive, personal information.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayingforhope - And then I took a walk. I breathed like I've been taught and I talked to myself ... People finding out about my A is just reality ... It's one of the many consequences of me choosing to have a horrible, disgusting, destructive A ... And then I prayed ... I had to share because any time I can go from fear, panic and anger to prayer, compassion and love in a single session, it reminds me of my own success with the person I am starting to become.

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for giving us a glimpse of the person you are becoming on this Sunday morning.

HUFI

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau



Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3282 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
mrs7
♀ 42505
Member # 42505
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good posts as always PFH -

That's an excellent book w/ many helpful insights. DDay definitely flipped the switch in my head. It made me realize in one painful moment how much I risked and the very likely possibility I could lose it all. Doesn't matter now how much I want to stay married, I damaged things perhaps beyond repair and now must try to cope with that fact.

Thanks for this post - it really made me think.


Me -WW - 49
Him -BH -45
DD - 1-21-14
no children together
M - 3 1/2 years, together 7

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: CO
Topic Posts: 14

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