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Newest Member: NHope (61816)

User Topic: need help reconciling/winning back
♂ 41979
Member # 41979
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does any one have advice on how to win your wife back after you have lost her. Our marriage has languished in an unhealthy place for a couple of years. We just drifted apart and did not realize it. Developed a sense of ambivalence, combativeness and lost our connection. In addition we both bought a sprinkling of our unresolved child hood issues to the marriage and let then run riot. Especially my anger issues and poorly developed skills in showing and acting upon my feelings of love.
Well, here we are. At the eleventh hour, I decided to finally seek treatment for my mild depression and anger issues. A couple of weeks later I discovered that my wife has been engaged in a EA for 1 1/2 years that turned physical a few months ago. She has suspended the affair while she determines what she wants. We are able to communicate very honestly and openly. We are both separately seeing therapist to help us through this.
Her heart is telling her to leave. She truly loves her affair partner.
Her mind is telling her to stay. 23 years of marriage. 3 kids. A lot of good times as well.
I have been dealing with this since Christmas night and obviously going through my own pain and roller coaster trip through hell. Obviously I am finding it hard to accept/understand her feelings for another person. But I accept it is our reality.
This event has shocked and affected me so fundamentally that I fully see and accept my own responsibilities, and given the needed impetus to address my issues.
I truly wish to reconcile and now know what I need to do in order to create the right marriage relationship. I pray this is possible. I would appreciate any advice from any one who may have experience or insight into this type of situation. I have no other option other than try to win her back. Since I do not truly understand her mindset. I need help on how to win her back.

What doesn't kill you. Feels like its killing you.
Me BS.Husband. D-day Christmas night 2013.
WS 3 mth or more physical affair. Over 1yr emotional affair
OP Long time work friend and work mentor.
23yr marriage that turned stale in the past co

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 42192
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To quote someone else ... You are 50% responsible for the problems in your marriage, she is 100% responsible for the affair.

There's no point being in it if only 1 of you is trying. Good luck x

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage were in the same M, and you didn't cheat....

Some thoughts and opinions:

To R, you need to heal yourself. Your W needs to heal herself. Together you heal your M.

Your healing is mainly working through the feelings that usually come with being betrayed - grief, rage, fear. Part of your healing is to find yourself again and to realize the WS has to win the BS back. R requires a big commitment from the WS, and she's got to really want it for herself. If you lure her back and hook her, she is very likely to resent it when she notices she's been hooked - and that may cause her to put you through hell again.

Her healing is to find remorse, gain empathy, and change herself from a betrayer into a person who won't betray anyone again. Her path is harder by far than yours, IMO - she's got to face her own fears about herself, and those fears are backed up by her failing as a W and as a human being.

The first steps for the WS, after committing to R, include 'going NC' - no contact with her ap. The theory is the ap is like a drug, and the 'love' - though how anything based on lies and secrecy can be called 'love' I can't understand - is an addictive high. Without NC, R isn't likely to succeed. (It sometimes works if C is limited to business, business contact is necessary.)

She has to answer your questions honestly. She has to keep you informed of her whereabouts and companions basically 24 X 7. IMO, she needs IC. You'll probably need MC at some point, and not for a short time.

My advice to you is to watch her for several months. Commit to working on your M but not to R. If she acts consistently like she's in R, she'll rebuild some trust in you. The more you trust her, the more you can commit to R.

It's hard work, but if you both do the work, it's worth it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:50 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17061 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this isn't what you want to hear probably. but i don't think you win her back. i don't think you want to either. you want her to choose to be married to you and to heal herself, support your healing, and work together on the issues facing your marriage (pre-affair marital issues are best addressed after you both are at a healthier place, in my opinion).

You are giving her too much power here by trying to win her back. You need to take care of yourself and work on your healing. If she wants to be in this marriage, she needs to go no contact with her AP, and start to work on figuring out how she let herself go down this road.

You don't have to make a decision now, but you are in control of your decisions, choices, etc. You have no control over what she does. You can only control your choices, and how (and if) you respond to what she does.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:50 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't buy into the "winning" someone back. You shouldn't have to, they (the WS) should be trying to "win" you back. You didn't break your vows, WW did. And, if you are the only one trying, it isn't going to work.

That being said, this is what I would suggest you do. This worked so well with opening up FWH's eyes to what he did, how "common" and unspecial his "relationship" with OW was. Reading this book together was better than all the MC we got.

Buy two copies of the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. Each of you read a chapter a week. Set up a time at the end of the week to discuss what you have read. Mark in the book things that spoke to you, that you want to ask each other, that you want to discuss. We set up the time and carved out an hour that we would totally focus on each other and the book.

The discussions and conversations we had really brought us together and gave us a greater understanding of each other. Sometimes talking about the chapter lead to other points to talk about. We tried to limit it to an hour, but sometimes we would run over. We wanted to limit it to a hour because sometimes it was emotionally exhausting. But it was so worth it. Dr. Shirley Glass really helped save our marriage. (Along with SI and Retrouvaille!)

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13448 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 5

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